Late Night Calls

“You have reached the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline, also servicing the Veterans service line. If you are in emotional distress or suicidal crisis or are concerned about someone who might be, we're here to help. Please remain on the line while we route your call to the nearest crisis center in our network.” 

The silence after the message was promptly replaced  with music. Not necessarily sad or happy music, but calm yet upbeat notes filled the line. As if they were trying to cut any existing tension, but weren’t trying to be pushy about it. They were overlapped with the slightest rustle of blankets.

“Thank you for reaching out. How can I help you?”

There's an inhale, followed by a pause, then a long, calm exhale.

“Are you alright? Can you speak?”

There's another breath. The silence is cut by a shaky voice. “Yes… I’m just,” the voice pauses “looking for the right words, I guess… maybe trying to get comfortable as well haha.” 

“That’s perfectly fine, my name is Denver, please take your time, and speak when you’re ready okay.” There's a soft smile that can almost be heard through the operator's voice.

“Thank you, I just have been in my headspace a lot, I’m just a bit scared to be alone right now you know?”

“I’m right here for you..uh... may I ask your name?”

“Oh, yes how rude of me,” there's a half-hearted chuckle, “My name is Quincy, but you can call me Q, or Quin if you’d like. I’m not particular on what people call me.”

“Sounds good, Quin, I’m here for you, to be an ear to listen or a mouth to fill the silent space.”

“I think today, I need an ear to listen.”

“Well go ahead, what's on your mind?”

“I guess I’ve just been feeling really lonely lately. Like no matter how many friends I make during the day, at the end of each night I’ll ultimately be alone. No matter how many people say they will be there for me, no matter how many people tell me that they love me and like being around me, my brain just keeps telling me I have nothing and no one. And I’ve come to understand my self-destructive tendencies, but I just don’t see how to fix a brain that has been so hardwired in paranoia and doubt to think… to think differently than it's been trained to.” 

“Hardwired and conditioned? To be... self-destructive? Explain that a bit more, you seem to have a pretty good understanding of your thoughts which is very good.”

“I don't think it's very good.”

“How so?”

“Well, you’ve heard the phrase ‘ignorance is bliss’ right? Just think of the opposite of that, knowing things is stress; it’s a burden. Knowing too much hurts sometimes. I understand why I do things, why other people do things, and yet I can’t, no, I won’t do anything to like fix them? I just let things happen, even if there is something I could do to fix it. Choices fill my day with paranoia and regret, constant overthinking and worrying. Everyone tells me to let go and care less, but every time that happens… things seem to fall apart or spiral out of my control.”

“Control makes you feel comfortable?”

“Understanding makes me feel comfortable. Familiarity, routine, that’s when I’m most at peace. It’s what’s unknown that scares me. What’s in the dark at the edge of my bed. What thoughts about me hide in my friend’s head. What rabbit hole is my brain going to take me down while I try to go to sleep? The unknown haunts me. It creeps up on me, like a virus. It finds its way in and takes root, growing into distrust and paranoia. I've basically given up on new friendships altogether. I’ve tried and failed in so many different ways, it just seems hopeless now.”

“You’ve tried and failed at making new friends?”

“Well, I open up super easily, to a fault in all honesty. I never had friends as a child so the moment anyone gave me any sort of attention, I would crack open like a damn on the verge of bursting after getting hit by a hefty stone. I’d meet some nice people who’d want to be there for me and help me. They made a lot of empty promises and more often than not left in the end.”

“The people who said they’d be there for you but now they aren’t?”

“Yeah, and I mean some who stayed did it because I’ve become very good at helping people much like what you do yourself. And I begin to talk less and less of my own problems and become more of an ear for them to vent to than like an actual friend. A lot of other people were warded off by my emotions, not at first though. But they all eventually leave, once I’ve fulfilled my purpose to them. They find significant others, new fresh problem-less friends, and my closest friends begin to choose so many other people over me and honestly I don't blame them.”

“Have you tried making new friends as well?”

“Yes I did for a bit but honestly, it just has been so pointless. My last attempts at making new friends I wanted to keep it all bottled up, I always get let down and hurt in the end so I figured if I didn’t open up I could just have a neat fun little friendship with some people. Because if you don’t let them make promises they can’t let you down when they ultimately can’t fulfill their promises. In an attempt to do that though I’ve developed this aggressive defense mechanism and that’s basically made me come off as rude. Eventually, the neat little friendships end because they had no deep emotional attachment to me, so me pushing them away ultimately well, pushed them away. I mean what are you supposed to do when you’re trying to get to know someone but they just keep being rude and distant. So I dunno, things are alright now but, whos to say I don’t relapse and completely fall apart again. I truly am unpredictable. I’ll be happy one minute and then I’m shaking and crying in the corner overwhelmed by random thoughts.” There are a few harsh breaths.

“Hey it's okay just breathe, deep breaths in and out, take a moment if you need to.”

“I’m fine… I’m fine.”

“Good, that’s very good. Tell me, have you ever found someone you found truly listened to you or understood you?”

“Yes, actually there's been a few people. The sad thing is I’ve lost all of them, in the span of less than two months, and it’s why I’ve been so scared. Why I’ve been so scared to be alone, why I’m scared to get attached to someone, why I’m scared to even open up to anyone anymore. My current friends, I don’t even share any of my deep thoughts with anymore. I ward off the potential of anyone new entering my life as well by just being blunt and aggressive. I push away anyone that tries to get close anymore. And I let go of anyone whom I assume is done with me.” 

“How many people have you lost?”

“Ha with how I’ve been treating people probably everyone.”

“Do you really believe that?”

“I believe that if they haven’t gone already they will soon. My facade is breaking, and that’s really the only thing people will like. So when that’s gone, I guess it’s my turn to go away as well.”

“You’ll go away?”

“Yeah, I guess I believe it’s for the best. I wake up every day with one goal. Don’t be a burden. And if I can be honest with you Denver, my life is a burden. It’s a burden to me, it’s a burden to my friends, heck it’s even a burden to random strangers on a phone line.”

“Let me ask you something Q.”

“Alright shoot.”

“Are there any people in your life that you consider to be a burden?”

“Well… no. I guess not. I don’t see anyone as a burden.”

“Even your friends who vent to you about all their problems?”

“No of course not, I genuinely care about them. I love to help them because they mean a lot to me. I’d never think of them as a burden.”

“Alright, next question. Is there anyone you’ve encountered that you do consider a burden?”

“I guess so, but I guess I kind of gloss over those people, and like try to entrust their problems to someone else you know?”

“So you don’t think any of your friends are burdens but anyone you do think is one you don’t keep in your life?”

“Yeah, you could say that’s correct.”

“So don’t you think you’re friends have the same mindset?”

This phrase is greeted with silence. 

“Q?”

A quiet whimper greets this question.

“Quincy are you there?”

“-I just… I don’t understand.”

“What don’t you understand?”

“I don’t understand why, why I’m keeping myself from happiness. I know my friends care about me, but my brain just keeps telling me so many things and I just get filled with so many doubts until I don’t trust anything anymore.”

“Our brain tells us lies sometimes because it’s trying to protect you from past hurt because it doesn’t want it to happen again. Like you said, it’s a defense mechanism.”

“How do I stop it?”

“Well there really is no way to stop it, it’s more of just you need to acclimate and anchor yourself into a new perspective and way of thinking. You need to confront your doubts and ask why and where they are coming from. And once you’ve figured that part out, counteract it with evidence of it being wrong. Do you understand what I’m saying?”

“I think so. So like when I feel like my friend doesn’t want to be around me I…?”

“You should figure out why you think they don't want to be around you. Maybe they’ve blown you off in the past, or they don’t seem to want to talk to you.”

“Yeah, that sounds about right. So I figure I’m feeling that way cause they haven’t been answering my texts, what then?”

“Then you’ve got to try to think back to a time when they’ve shown that you're wrong to think that about them. Like maybe they’ve sent you random texts of appreciation, or they greet you with hugs and “I miss you”s whenever they see you.”

“So then I combat the bad thought with a good reassuring memory?”

“Yeah, you’ve got it. I want you to tell me a situation, can be recent or old any were gonna practice. If that's alright with you?” 

“Yeah just lemme think for a sec.”

“Take your time Quin.”

“My best friend Samantha, she’s been my best friend for years, we know everything about each other, she’s been in my life longer than anyone.”

“So what’s bothering you about this friendship?”

“I haven’t seen her much recently, and I try to talk to her sometimes and ask her to hang out but she never can and she only talks briefly to me and leaves me on open a lot.”

“So what do you think might be the real reason this might be happening?.”

“Well I’m not sure, I think it’s just cause she doesn’t like me anymore.”

“Well is Samantha a busy person?”

“I guess you could say she is…”

“Well then maybe she genuinely is just busy, has she tried to make time for you at all?”

“... I guess, wait she has. Oh my gosh, I’m a horrible friend.”

“Why do you say that.”

“Because she has reached out but I… I’m the one being distant and blowing her off, I feel like such a hypocritical jerk. Like I just have some bad days, and that’s always when she’s free, so I just blow her off.”

“Hey, she seems like she really loves you and cares about you, so don’t give up on her, I think you should keep reaching out to her honestly.”

“I guess she really is just genuinely busy, I wish I’d just, thought about that instead of, you know, how little she’d been talking to me. Like if I’d just stopped to remember how much we’ve been through I should've realized that we aren’t falling out, our schedules just aren’t aligning like they used to.”

“Whenever you’re having doubts in your friends, especially close ones, think just like how you did now-.”

“By slowing down and thinking about why they might be doing the things they doing?”

“Yes exactly!”

“Thank you...I, this really helped.”

“Yes, of course, I just have one big piece of advice for you-”

“Yeah sure go ahead.”

“Your choice to close yourself off from everyone isn’t the worst thing you could do, some things are better saved for certain people because a lot of people genuinely can’t help you and that’s okay. But you definitely want someone who can listen because pushing down and covering up bad things with good things can sometimes make situations worse. If you feel better about not sharing with your friends, all the details of your mind then find a therapist who you can discuss with. But just remember to not build walls around yourself from them either. Let them know you're going through stuff and even though you’re choosing not to share with them it doesn't mean you don’t trust them. it just means that you want to sort your thoughts out for yourself with someone who can for sure help you without putting strain on your relationships. If your friends care for you they will be fully supportive of this and happy for you, and it’s the healthiest way to go about these things.”

“I think that could be good. Do you guys have that sort of thing you can set me up with?”

“Of course, we have a few references here that we can send your way, and I’m very glad that you will be taking these steps towards a healthier mindset.”

“Me too, I really needed this-”

“You took a really brave step, reaching out like this, I believe you can truly better yourself, you seem ready to head down that path.”

“I’m really glad I reached out as well. This has really been, I guess it feels like a weight is starting to be lifted off my shoulders?”

“That’s really good Quin. This is a big step, asking for help, and I believe you are going to be able to make it through the rest.”

“Yeah, I think for once I don’t feel completely hopeless?”

“Yeah, that’s very good. It’s the little steps you know? If that’s all I can do for you, I’ll let you get on with your night?”

“Yeah, I believe that's all, Denver.  You have no idea how much you’ve done. I know this is a tiny step and all but its really given me a lot of hope, so thank you, and have a good night.”

“My pleasure and thank you for calling, I wish you the best, good night.”