A tragic small town story

Someone knocked on our door. We could hear shouts from the other side. One of the voices sounded very familiar but I couldn't quite place it.

Father turned around, looking at each of us in turn.

"Are we expecting anyone?"

"Not that I know of," mum was quick to say.

My siblings and I shook our heads.

Father got up slowly, a look of displeasure on his face. It was in the middle of his favorite bird program, something we all watched huddled around a small TV in the middle of the room.

We all looked curiously at the door, this was rather an unexpected thing in our home, we rarely got any visitors this side of town. Dad hit the switch for the porch light, turned the key twice and opened the front door.

The three men looked expectantly at the door, then dad, then the rest of us.

I stared in shock, one of them was the father of the boy I liked, the boy I let do that thing to me, to take away the most precious thing a girl in this traditional, small town household can have.

Marc dad walked toward me, “You brat, what did you to my poor boy, eh? What were you thinking?’

 “I don’t know what you’re talking about Sir, I don’t even know you.”

Everyone was dumbstruck by this conversation.  

“Your girl, I swear if Marc..doesn’t survive…”

“Is Marc okay?”

One of the other men started explaining, “We heard this is where she lives, we tried to put some sense into him, but he just wouldn’t listen, he wanted to see where she lives and talk to her parents.”

“Ok, that’s enough. Can anyone explain what is going on over here?” - mum rarely took charge of any situation, but this one time that mattered, she chose to speak up.

“Thanks Mother!” I mumbled quietly.

“Your daughter here, seduced and abused my boy’s trust. Now the whole school knows and this afternoon he swallowed most of his mother’s antidepressants.” – he shouted, barely pausing for breath.

Father was speechless, mother stared blankly. My sisters shouted “No way!” in unison and promptly shut up, looking me, then our parents and all the other people crowding our tiny living room and interrupting the family’s evening routine.  

No one said anything for what felt like years, in reality probably just a few seconds, letting this sink in. I wasn’t sure why no one else was talking, why mother or father weren’t defending me against this absurd accusation. Above all, I wasn’t sure…would Marc really do something stupid like that? When we last spoke I just told him we’d better break up, this wasn’t really going anywhere. He didn’t try to fight it, fight me on making this decision for us. He’d already gotten what he wanted from the prettiest girl in class. He deflowered me and shared that with the whole class, the moron. A moron I may or may not still have some feelings for and that apparently decided to end his life? I knew the thing between us wouldn’t go anywhere. He the only son of the town’s most respected doctor, me the local handyman’s daughter picking up all sorts of odd jobs to feed his large family. It’s just not how things work here. Still, I knew things about Marc I promised I’d never share with anyone.

Mother finally showed sounds of clarity and sent us all to our rooms. They stayed talking with these relative strangers late into the night. My sisters were long asleep, but I couldn’t keep my eyes closed not knowing what was happening out there. I tried listening at the door but couldn’t understand what was said.

Next day in school everyone was whispering when I was walking down to our classroom, but no one actually talked to me. I sat in the last desk, opened my textbook and pretended to revise today’s lesson while everyone was talking we know what about. This school can be a cruel, cruel place, the friendly faces of my classmates turning into spiteful, judgemental human beings.

As soon as Marc was released from hospital, his parents packed up the house and their trucks and drove away. No one was sure where they were off to, but one thing was certain, they will never come back. I knew my troubles wouldn’t disappear as easy.

School was hell the next few weeks. Well, I’ve never been through hell, but I imagine this is what it’s like. My sisters woke up earlier than me every morning and walked to school without me, like they didn’t want to be seen with me or acknowledge we’re related.

The nice widow next door whos lawn I mowed once a week for some pocket money sneered in my face last Sunday and told me someone else will be doing that for her now.

Mother was silent, like she’d gone mute. Stopped asking how school was or if I’d done my homework, she just shouted “Lunch, girls!” Or “Dinner’s ready!” And we’d all eat silently like that was normal. Father  watched TV after a long day at work but I knew he wasn’t really paying attention.

You don’t know what it’s like until you go through this kind of thing, the fear the loneliness, being misunderstood by the people who understood you best till yesterday, feeling lost in the place you’ve lived your entire life. Am I strong or am I weak for doing this? Will I go through with this? Will this misery ever end?

 Should I speak to the school nurse or therapist? Unlikely, word will spread before I get a chance to finish talking to them, they’ll see me walking in or out of their office and that will be that. What a sad, cruel life, to want to ask for help but nowhere or no one to ask if from…

Why did everyone think it was my fault Marc drank those pills, the only thing I did was break up with the silly boy. He already got what he wanted from me, but ….he also didn’t get the only university scholarship for our high school. I did. I squealed with delight in the hallway when Miss Sharpe told me and everyone knew what that must be about.

Regret, the weight of university, the muteness of my close friends and family, a scholarship I didn’t want but my parents wanted for me, to get me out of there, for a better future they said.

What future? One where I feel rejected? One with a career in law in a big city I don’t want in the first place but I’m left no choice? Because as the older sister, the 2 young ones may someday depend on me? It was unfair, this burden on my 18 year self, a self I looked at in the mirror every morning and couldn’t recognize anymore. How can you recognize someone you’re not?

 I hate this small town, the way news spreads, the way people gossip and talk behind you back. I hate it. But I also love how I can walk to and from school, to the grocery store, how everyone was worried when mum fainted in the square and rushed towards us to help. How I didn’t know what was happening, but they did, how mother and father are working only a few houses over and only a phone call away when there’s an emergency in the kitchen.

Now I hate everything I loved. Thanks Marc! Such an idiot, disappearing and leaving me alone to cope with all this, without a text or goodbye note. I knew you couldn’t cope with your parents upcoming divorce, the best kept secret in town, how the pills were a call for their attention, begging them to change their mind and stay together, for you, for them…Oh Marc, I think I may love you  but what use is that now? S will no longer be S tomorrow, will no longer be around to reply to your texts at strange hours in the night, to support you in your weakest moments, but not when you’re acting tough in front of your football palls.

I shuddered to think of the lies, the fakeness of the world and people’s feelings, the hurt everyone must feel and hide it so well, pretending all is good when it isn’t.

I started writing my letter in shaky letters, my otherwise neat handwriting not making an appearance in my last letetr. Defeated by the world, by life in a small town that’s not really a life, by a chance to do something no one deserves more, but I’m being judged because the cost of losing our best doctor and the school’s star football player. I wanted to shout for help, but I knew everyone will refuse to take my side.

Dear father, mother,

I can’t do this anymore. I can’t take all the hatred at school, the catcalls on the streets when I lower my head and walk back home as fast I can, but it’s not never fast enough and they catch up to me, pull on my backpack or ponytail and humiliate me in every way imaginable.  

I didn’t do anything, but everyone is on his side. No one believes me when I say I really liked Marc and this wasn’t some sort of scheme so he loses his focus and I get the scholarship instead. I never knew they would move away, I’d let him have the scholarship so he would still stick around and I would see him sometime. I know me going to a private school meant a lot to you two, so I did my best to make it but I never thought it’d upset so many others.

Laura won’t talk to me and calls me a liar in the hallways, even my own sisters act like they don’t know me when I’m walking to the principal’s office yet again, blamed for stirring up trouble in class when all I did was pretending to be invisible.  

I thought I’m strong, but what I really am is a scared girl that thought she understood the world, but I know nothing. I just know I can’t take this anymore.

Mother, father, please let my sisters read this letter. Thanks for trying to make things better, but nothing will ever be the same. I have to do this. Please forgive me.

Goodbye,

Your S

I folded the letter, put it in the envelope labeled To Father & Mother and left it on my desk. I picked up the stool I selected for the occasion, the rope already hanging from a hook in the ceiling. This is it, I’m going to do this, no more pain, please let there be no pain. I tightened the rope around my neck and pushed the stool under my feet forward.

With a shaky breath I realized, this is it, what the hell are you doing S???

But it was too late, much too late.

-         THE END -