Scared

I read somewhere that the words we say and the emotions we felt are real when it’s three in the morning. Which is why I am terrified when I am helping Cassie clean up after a party. I feel like I could crumble if she mentions anything remotely sensitive and that I would burst into a mess if she pushed the right buttons. I stiffen up when Cassie traces her fingers on this old piano we used to play with when we were young, and I remember thinking about how slender and pretty her fingers were. Cassie is my best friend of eight years; she is someone who will always remind me to be a little more selfish and a little less pouring everything I have for people. Everything was good—perfect even. I know what I have planned for the time to come and everything seems nice, in control, everything is perfect.  Until it’s three in the morning and all I think about is how everything I have in mind seems to involve Cassie. Learn driving with Cassie, play tennis with Cassie, bake with Cassie—you get the idea. And suddenly I recalled how I need her by my side to actually feel normal and in place, and suddenly, everything seems like it’s not in my control anymore. It freaks me out that I don’t feel in control of myself and that we are both friends for so long—and that we are both girls. During those time, all I think about are how pretty Cassie’s black hair is, or how stunning she looked in her yellow sundress during our prom back in middle school, or how good she actually looks in those tacky colored braces. 

I started bailing out on plans, I don’t really feel fair to be near her when I don’t know how she feel if she knows and how uncomfortable she might be. Yet here I am, at two in the morning, helping her clean up some puke on her mom’s carpet. Cassie knows that I have been avoiding her, she just knows things even when people are subtle. And I have been anything but subtle. But Cassie never mentions anything, she likes to wait and give people space, that is one of the reasons I like her so much, but I know that it might hurt her if I kept giving out shitty excuses to avoid her, and Cassie—is Cassie, she will never force an answer out of you, even if she might never get an answer forever. Which is why, this is the perfect time for me to explain—confess, or anything that might fix things. But I don’t really know where to start, would it be weird for me to confess my undying love to her right now? Maybe. Would it be awkward if she doesn’t share the same feelings? Absolutely. So, here I am trying to figure out the right things to say. 

“do you remember the first time we learned how to play?” She asked with a small smile on her face,

“yeah, I was so nervous back then.” I replied, scrubbing the puke stain that is starting to disappear.

“no, you were not, I was the one crying and kept holding on to your hand, remember?” She said, grabbing some plastic cups on the floor. I did remember, as surprising as this sounds, Cassie used to be a very shy kid, and she wouldn’t go anywhere without her mom and wouldn’t talk to anyone else but her mom. Our mothers used to leave us in Ms. Kiki’s place for our piano lessons, they left us there at noon and come back three hours later after the lesson is done, and it used to be Cassie’s biggest nightmare. I wasn’t shy, I was just quiet, so I don’t really mind being left alone for a lesson, and taking care of Cassie is one of the things her mother asked me to do and it made me felt responsible for her, so I held her hand and talked to her the whole lesson. On the next lesson, Cassie cling on to me like I am her mother. 

“I wouldn’t know what the freak I would do without you, Grace,” Cassie whispered, and I heard it clear as day. 

“you do know that, right?” She continued, brown eyes looking right at me, 

I nodded, feeling conflicted about what I should do—or say, or anything, really. 

“Grace,” she started, walking towards me,

“whatever it is, you know that I love you, right?” I love her too, in a completely different way.  

“I’m scared.” I said after a moment of silence, finally letting out the breath I have been holding, 

“don’t be. I am right here.” Cassie replied in a flash, as if she expected me to say those words.

“I wanted to say all the words I wanted you to know, but I’m scared. So scared.” I continued, staring at Cassie that is standing right in front of me. I love her—Cassie, with her brown eyes, her stupid-colored braces, her short hair. All there is right now, in my head, is Cassie. 

“you are just so perfect, and I can see that—everyone can see that, and I am just so—scared that I might just decrease whatever worth I have in your eyes.” I rambled, 

“I could see everything everyone wanted me to be, and I know that I am not that, and that what they think don’t matter, cause all I care is you, Grace,” I know that she cares about me, but I am afraid—deadly afraid of change and I wanted us to stay the same. 

“No matter what it is—I’ll stay, I’ll still stay.” She reassured, 

“it’s not fair because you don’t even know what you’re talking about.” 

“I don’t, but I know for a fact that I love you and I still will, no matter what you might say.” And right then and there, I told myself that if things went wrong, I’ll still have me. That it might hurt but I should be proud that I find myself. 

“I love you, Cass, not in a friendly way—like I want to kiss you on the lips kind of love.” Finally, I let it out, and I felt like a weight has been lifted. 

“Grace—I thought you murdered someone or something.” Cassie replied, seemingly relieved, 

“Cass, you don’t—” 

“I love you too, Grace, God I’ve been in love with you since I saw you in that periwinkle dress for our middle school prom.” Cassie said, with the brightest smile plastered on her face, and I can’t help but think she is beautiful. 

“you—actually do?” She nodded, smiling 

“why wouldn’t I be? You make everything better, and I basically need you to survive.” She jokes. And I know that she is happy, because her nose scrunches a little when she is. 

“this is so anticlimactic.” I laughed, 

“I expected a messy break up from you Cass.” I continued, and I genuinely meant what I said,

She smiled and leaned in, and I stared at her, wide eyed and nervous, 

She stopped just before her lips touch mine, 

“can I?” she asked, 

“please,” I breathed out, 

The kiss we shared is slow and hesitant, but I kind of expected that, she is a bit hesitant sometimes. And at this time, we both are. And she also tasted like pizza and cheap soda, which I would tease her about later. 

I read somewhere that the emotions we felt are real when it’s three in the morning. For the first time in a while, I feel genuinely, entirely scared for what to come—this feeling that tells me that not everything can be in my control. Nobody knows how this might end, but I would be lying if I didn’t feel a little lucky that it’s Cassie that I fall for.