Could I be a sun?

Each star burned with such intensity, that I struggled to carry on gazing at them from the empty field I sat in. In every metaphor and analogy I have been told, its said that we are all stars. Beautiful life forms and ethereal beings in our own reality, but I had never found comfort in the thought. The thought of living amongst such a vast number of beings the exact same as me. Maybe I dreamed of being a sun. Maybe I like to believe that I could be special, that someone could revolve around my love. As I sit in the meadow all alone, knowing my dear love won’t be joining me as he promised, I remember I am no sun. Just another star, not unlike every one twinkling beside me. I wish I hadn’t said the thing to him that I did. I try so hard not to wince as I recall the way I begged him to stop trying so hard to love me. He works all day and comes home late at night, and he never stops trying. I wish I had been more considerate of how much he tries to love me despite my short temper. Today was our anniversary, one day that would mark a whole year of love between him and I. We were going to go out to dinner at the restraunt his parents got engaged at, see a performance of my favourite classical musician, and finish off the day by gazing at the stars from the field in which I met him. It had all seemed so perfect when I had planned it out. When he told me he was working I was devastated.

“For once couldn’t you try to even a little bit to put my first?” I had yelled through hot tears.

“Don’t you see how much I am? I’ve been calling everyone I can to switch shifts! I’m trying so hard to love you as beet as I can Etimeé,” his face was more hurt than he usually allowed it to be.

“Well maybe you should stop trying to love me,” I regretted my words as they escaped my lips. “Maybe I’m nothing special to you anymore.” He left for work and I haven’t seen him since, even though his shift was over two hours ago.

While I burn so brightly and shine upon the world, I wish I could feel as though I have given at least one soul a sense of happiness. Had I failed to do that? I imagine all of the other stars in my life. My friends, my classmates, my beautiful mother who takes care of me. My mother is a sun. She has smiled down on me since I was born. When my dad left us she continued loving me the same, and even more. I try to think what she would tell me right now if she were beside me. Maybe she would try to remind me how loving I am, or how things in life happen for a reason. Maybe she wouldn’t even say a word, just hold me as the tears bottled inside of me, spilled out in waves. However she decided to handle the situation, I know she would make me smile by the end of the night just like how Nick did. It’s funny how I’ve managed to have two suns in my life? I love Nick, I never stopped, and I certainly loved her. Couldn’t I be like her one day? However I suppose she couldn’t have been more than a star to my father for him to pick up his bags and kiss us goodbye one morning. Maybe I will be special to someone one day. The feeling didn’t comfort me though, because the only one I wanted to stand out for was him, Nick. No one has ever made me feel the way he does. It seems a little ironic that I never realized how much I loved the people in my life until I lost them. My father, Nick, everyone. It’s always been hard for me to open up to anyone since my father started a new family without his old one. Just as I lost hope in my ability to be worthy of love, I caught a waft of my favourite smell on earth. The smell of pine trees and fresh grass after a rain in the spring. The smell of Nicholas Lapatha.

“Etimeé, I didn’t keep you waiting too long did I?” His beautiful voice carried a sense of relief as he sat beside me on the ever so slightly grass. In one hand he held a picnic basket, and in the other, a CD of all of the most obscure pieces written by Tchaikovsky. Finding a CD so rare must have been worth hours of searching through music shops all across town. I opened the picnic basket full of take out boxes from the restaurant we were to eat at. Putting my arm around his warm shoulders, I sighed, and smiled, “Not at all Nick.” I laughed a little, for I finally realized the truth about our solar system. The sun always comes back the next morning. Sure it’s gone for a few hours, leaving us in the dark, but it lights up the rest of the world when we sleep and it always comes back to us in the morning. Nick really is my sun, he works and works and works, but every day when his shift is over, there he is heating up dinner for me with whatever he brought back from work. Always a smile on his face, as all he really needs to carry on is love. Could I be a sun? For him to come back to the place he knew I would be waiting, he had to love me. To value me more than his dignity. No matter the sadness I must have put him through tonight, he still managed to put it all aside and try again. He is a constant, and I could do to remember that every once in a while.

Looking up at the stars with him again this time, I couldn’t help but think, maybe I am a sun, to this boy who has never yet stopped seeing the beauty in me.