Lying to Yourself

The look on her face said it all, disbelief and disappointment. Wrinkles melded into forlornness and the usual bright blue eyes faded into dullness.

“I will ask you one more time Adam. Did you take the money from my purse?” She was willing him to tell the truth. She thought maybe her needing him to be truthful would show on her face and somehow be transported from her mind to his. But it didn’t work. He lied….again. “I’ve told you” his voice was slightly raised and tiny beads of perspiration had formed on his smooth brow, “I don’t know where the money went. You probably spent it and forgot. You forget all the time now”.

“Well I don’t know where the money went to then”. She told him, feeling the burden of a problem that was starting to get out of control.

She knew where the money had gone to but somehow knowing it wasn’t going to help the situation by continuing to ask, she just stopped. ‘I’ll give him one more chance’ she thought to herself, telling him. “Ok then off and do your homework”.

Flopping into the worn, comfortable arm chair Mary thought about what she should do about his lying. It was getting worse and needed to stop. She knew all too well what would happen if it didn’t. The school had rung her up on a few occasions to discuss his behaviour in general and the last time was because of his lying. He had been caught stealing stationary out of the cupboard in the classroom. He couldn’t say it wasn’t him this time because when Mr. Roberts the teacher came back into the class unexpectedly he was caught red handed. Mary had been called in to discuss it and they were told firmly that this was his last chance.

Mary had even been to a couple of ‘self-help’ programmes – not for herself but to help Adam. She wanted to learn why people lied and also if it was, as she believed just a habit that can be broken. She also knew that she could stand up and help some of these people with her experience in the past of someone she loved dearly being a compulsive liar but she wasn’t ready for that yet. After two evenings of the programme she decided not to go again. It was too depressing. The lives of some of the people at the meeting were awful, bringing back too many memories and she wasn’t sure who she felt sadder for - those showing their self-loathing by contorted faces spitting out words like ‘weak, feeble and bad’ with tears running down their tense cheeks, or for Adam who could end up like one of them if he didn’t stop his lying.

One of the women at the meeting had come to seek help and find a targeted treatment for her husband because he just couldn’t tell the truth. She told the group they had discussed it many times but that he felt more comfortable and more normal lying than telling the truth. He was such a compulsive liar that he now lied to himself.

And Mary told the group that she was at ‘her wit’s end’.

She had left the last meeting quite dismayed. It had been a chilly night but the thought of the future for Adam without help sent extra shivers down her spine. When she got off at her bus stop she had popped into the local late night café for a hot chocolate and a de-brief with herself. When she got home and let herself in the front door Adam greeted her with a smile and a warm hug, but even though it felt lovely it didn’t help the problem.

Mary could hear Adam in his room, humming tunes to himself as he did his homework. She pictured his chubby face, a smattering of freckles oh his cheeks and his bright blue eyes mischievous eyes.

She was tired and fell asleep in the chair. Mary, as always in her dreams, saw her son in the distance. Running like a frightened animal she reached him quickly and held him to herself, tightly, never wanting to let go. In her dreams he was always a little boy, never grown up, not touched by the loss of innocence or the negative energy that the world can create. She set him down onto the grass, his little chubby hand reached out for hers and they fitted together like two well-worn puzzle pieces. In her dream the air felt warm and as the canopy of trees moved from one side to the other the sun filtered through, warming them both. She ruffled his dark curls and he looked up at her and smiled – full rosy lips showing white baby teeth, and then he laughed and ran off into the forest, chubby legs weaving through the long grass. Sometimes in her dreams she and Jimmy were riding their bikes together. They would race each other home after finishing eating their ice creams at the park. She never saw her son older than about seven in her dreams and she didn’t know why.

It was always the same when she woke up – she was crying and calling out her son’s name, hands over her face as if the darkness kept the truth in. She slowly took her hands away and let the light in, knowing she would never see him again. She went to bed that night troubled, but the night’s sleep had eased her mind somewhat and in the morning she felt a little happier with life.

“Bye Adam. Have a great day at school. Please be a good boy” she hugged him tight, checking his face for Weetabix and his hair to make sure a comb had been passed through it!

“See you Gran. I’ll be good. I’ve got something on after school so I’ll be late – ok?” he replied already half out of the door.

“Oh what’s on and what time will you be home?” Mary asked, more for the timing of dinner than anything else.

“I’m doing extra study. Not sure what time it finishes – about five I think”

Jack’s doing it too so we’ll walk home together” he called as he slammed the front door.

‘Extra study?’ Mary thought, ‘now that’s something novel. I wonder if it’s true.’

Mary didn’t have to wonder for long because three days later she received a visit from Jack’s father and he was fuming.

“Is Adam here?” he asked after Mary had ushered him in. “Because I would like to talk to him if you don’t mind Mary”. She started to feel quite stressed as she called up the stairs to Adam “Adam can you come down here please, at once”. Her hands were clammy and she wiped them on her apron.

“Come into the lounge Terry and we can talk. Now what is this all about?” she asked even though she knew it probably had something to do with lying and getting into trouble. After all it wasn’t the first time she had been confronted by an irate parent.

“Your Adam has been buying cigarettes and smoking them in my garage with Jack, encouraging my son to get involved with things he ordinarily would have no interest in. I caught them myself this afternoon after school. Apparently they’ve been doing it for a week, every afternoon” he said in an angry voice, standing up as Adam walked into the room.

Terry’s cheeks were red and he had beads of sweat on his brow which he wiped with the sleeve of his shirt.

“Adam is this true?” Mary asked, knowing full well it probably was.

“Of course it’s true” yelled Terry “I told you I caught them myself. Jack didn’t buy them”

“Excuse me Terry. I’ll ask Adam myself if it’s all the same to you” said Mary. She was a realist but also didn’t want Adam bullied by this man.

“Adam. Is it true that you bought cigarettes and took them to Jack’s house to smoke?

“No I didn’t buy them. Jack did. I didn’t really want to try them but he kinda forced me. Honestly Gran” he told her looking at her worn out face.

“That is a lie Adam Day” Jack’s father fumed, looking like he wanted to punch him, “I know when my son is telling the truth and he is about who bought them. He’s not that kind of a kid, but you are. You can keep away from my son. I don’t want you around at our house again. Do you hear me?”

He didn’t wait for an answer but as he thumped up to the front door, added “the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree” and slammed it shut.

Mary didn’t know how to react. She was so very angry at Adam, especially as he had lied about where he had been every afternoon after school and the missing money had probably bought the cigarettes but a part of her felt some sort of sadness. He was fast running out of friends and she was running out of options of what to do. She had been through the whole gamut of ‘time outs’ to ‘no pocket money’ to ‘stay at home with me all weekend and see no-one’…..nothing was working.

“I’m sorry Gran” Adam came up to her sheepishly “I won’t do it again”

“But Adam, that’s the trouble. You will do it again. You will lie again. It’s a never ending story with your lying”

“I did intent to go to extra study after school but….”

“Please Adam. Don’t make it worse by continuing to lie” Mary sounded defeated as she walked into the kitchen to prepare dinner.

They didn’t talk about it at dinner – in fact they didn’t talk at all. Dinner time was usually a chatty affair but not tonight. The only thing Adam said was to ask “What did he mean when he said the apple doesn’t fall very far from the tree Gran?”

“It was nothing Adam. Just finish your dinner, do the rest of your homework and hop into bed”.

Mary knew what she had to do. ‘The truth will set you free’ was a fridge magnet that had sat on the front of her old fridge for years – she actually couldn’t remember where she got it from but truly believed it. If only her own son had lived by that saying, he would be alive today and perhaps Adam would be living in a functional family with a mum and a dad….

She would sit him down and tell him the truth. He was old enough now and if it could help in the slightest way to set Adam on the path to being truthful and trustworthy then it would be worth it. Mary had told Him that when she thought he could deal with the truth about his father then she would tell him. He already knew that his mum had died of cancer when he was a young boy, and this was a sadness he was still learning to deal with at times.  He listened intently as she started at the beginning – telling about when Adam’s dad was a young boy he would tell ‘fibs’ which was normal as far as Mary was concerned but as he got older he didn’t seem capable of telling the truth – even as young as six or seven he constantly made things up or as his dad told him “you’re always telling porky pies Adam!”. As he got older and into his teenage years, it didn’t seem to matter to him that he told his mum and dad he was one place, like a friend’s house, when he actually went somewhere else, like the local deli to steal cigarettes, or that when he got caught smoking or shoplifting it was always someone else who made him do it.

Mary went on in detail about the ‘breaking and entering’ that his shoplifting had escalated to, how he couldn’t be reasoned with and didn’t actually care. The police were at the house more often than not but her son always seemed to come away from court with a fine and not imprisonment. He was such a convincing liar and didn’t have a conscience about getting his mates into trouble rather than himself.

Mary checked that Adam was feeling ok after the bombardment of information and then continued telling him that when he was just twenty two, his father met June his mother, and a short while later they got married. Mary really got on well with her daughter in law although she felt sorry for her. She knew that her son wasn’t faithful to June (she kept this from Adam for the time being) but she also didn’t know about some of his other activities – the stealing, and eventual drug taking. “Then you came along Adam, and things seemed to change for a while. Your dad settled down and enjoyed being a dad. He had a job and was happy, or so we thought. Until the day the police came knocking at the door and asking for him”.

Mary was getting thirsty with all the talking so after they both had a drink and a little break, she continued with the saga, starting where she had finished and the policer turning up on the door step. She really felt quite disloyal telling Adam all the negative things about his Dad, her son, but knew she had to for his sake. She didn’t want him turning out the same way.

“Your dad’s job turned out to be selling drugs, not travelling and selling insurance as he told your mother. Your mother was naturally devastated – she had already been depressed with the way they were living and his behaviour and lying, but this just topped it off and she left to have a break and get better in a hospital, but sadly, as you know Adam, she died of cancer before she got back on the right path. She loved you very much as I have told you many times”.

“I know Gran but even though I was too young to remember her, I do sort of miss her”.

“I know you do sweetheart” his Gran told him and smiled her warm and loving smile that she reserved for him.

“Your dad got deeper into bad things Adam and eventually ended up in jail. He got in with the wrong people. He was dishonest and he was deceptive, a liar”.

“Did you see him in jail Gran?” Adam asked

“Yes I would take you in sometimes to see him. I think he realised what mistakes he had made when he saw you and that he was missing out on being a good father. He did love you Adam and you must never forget that. He would want you to grow up to be someone better than he was, and have a good life. He left a note before he died to say how sorry he was and if he could have made things better he would have.

Mary had always told Adam that his dad died of cancer but she had actually told a lie herself, for his sake…. The truth being that he had written a suicide note in jail before killing himself.

Adam sat silently on the chair. He looked over at his Gran and then moved to sit next to her. Putting his arm through hers he rested his head on her shoulder and stayed still for a minute or two before telling her. “I want to be good. I want to be truthful. I really will try. You know why I want to change Gran?” he asked her.

“No why?”

“It’s because of you Gran. You have been through so much and you are such a loving person – I don’t want to let you down. I want you to be proud of me”.

Mary started to cry at this and hugged Adam tightly. “I am proud of you. I have always loved you and if you mean what you say then we can have a wonderful life together – your mum and dad will be looking down on you so you can make them proud”.

Mary felt totally exhausted after the day. Adam was in bed and she was sitting in her chair thinking. She knew that if her story could help others change their lives around by being honest with the people around and with themselves, then she would go to the ‘self-help’ meetings and tell about her experiences. She might even write a book.