A Profoundly Unhappy Man

Herman Fish Jr. was a profoundly unhappy man. Life had dealt him a poor hand, as he saw it, and it looked as though that wouldn’t improve any time soon. The new neighbor was just another proof that life had singled him out for misery.

The day Asha Hassan moved in, he’d introduced himself and tried to welcome her to the complex, and she responded in a most rude manner. That was all he needed to know about her: rude. She was living in the apartment on the other side of the wall…and she was there to make his life more of a hell than it already was.

When he’d first seen her, he was surprised. She was tall and thin, warm, reddish-brown skin with high cheekbones, deep brown eyes, and long, thick waves of black hair. She’d been dressed in shorts and a tee-shirt, and when she spoke, her accent was so thick he could barely understand her.

She’d told him she was from Somalia, here to go to university, and that her American girlfriend was helping her move. He’d expressed his genuine surprise that a woman from Africa as pretty as she, might be gay. She’d gotten aggressive, finally cursing him in some foreign language.

Before he knew it, the entire weekend had passed, and he’d accomplished nothing beyond seething at the unfairness of his life and the rudeness of his new neighbor. When Monday morning rolled around, he made his way to his dull job in the bleak Department of Motor Vehicles. As if dealing with rude people at work wasn’t enough, he’d have to go home and possibly run into her again.

Lunch, like every workday, was a dismal sandwich from the deli across the street. They were always soggy by the time he got them back to the break room, and they always used too much mayonnaise. After scraping off half the mayonnaise and putting the sandwich back together, he choked it down with the sad, bitter coffee from the giant percolator in the break room.

He watched the second hand on the clock, determined to not work any longer than he was paid for. At precisely 12:30, he returned to the crooked stool at his station and removed the “Out to Lunch” sign. “Next,” he said in a flat voice.

His week continued as normal, only seeing his rude neighbor on the rare occasion they were both in the hallway at the same time. He was glad he hadn’t had to share an elevator with her, as the way she looked at him was as if he was something foul. For his part, he did his best to hide his dislike; after all, they had to live next to each other. She seemed to spend most of her time away, and was only at her apartment at night, alone.

Monday of the second week after she moved in, Herman returned from his lunch of soggy sandwich and bitter coffee, and called out, “Next.”

“Oh. Hello, Mr. Fish. I am needing a driving license.”

Herman looked up to see her. “Great…just fantastic,” he muttered under his breath. “Do you have the form for the written test filled out?”

Asha pointed at the paper she’d already laid on the counter. “I hope our first meeting is not having an influence on this.”

He didn’t answer, but took the form, checked it against her passport, and stamped it. He handed Asha a plastic tag with a number on it. “Take this to the room over there and they’ll get you started on your written test.”

She opened her mouth to speak, but Herman was already droning out, “Next.”

Not that he was paying particular attention, but he noticed that Asha had finished the written test in half the time allowed and had managed to get a slot for the driving portion of the test.

While she was out doing the road test, there was a lull, and he found himself facing her girlfriend. She was a pale, pink-cheeked, five feet nothing of whippy muscle in a sleeveless shirt, short blonde hair, and intense green eyes that bored through him.

“How can I help you?” he asked.

“Look, I don’t know if you’re racist, homophobic, or just stupid, but that was some fucked up shit you said to Asha last week. As if she didn’t deal with enough of that shit at home, now she’s afraid to be around you.”

“What did I do?”

“What did you…ugh! Think about what you said!”

“I said she was pretty, was I wrong?”

“You said she was too pretty and too African to be gay. Does that help you remember?”

“I did no such thing!” Herman cursed whatever fate had decided that this would be a horrid Monday.

“Just…try not to be such a dick around her.” The girlfriend, whose name, Herman realized, he didn’t know, stormed off.

It was fifteen minutes to closing when Asha’s scores crossed his desk with the order for a new resident alien driver’s license. Any normal day, he’d tell them to come back the next day to pick it up, but he didn’t want to anger the little blonde any further.

Herman heaved a sigh as he typed out the information for her new license, then called out, “Asha Hassan to the camera…please.”

She stepped in front of the backdrop, standing on the X on the floor, and her smile dropped as soon as she saw him. He would normally have to tell them to stand on the X, remove their sunglasses or hat, try not to smile, and look directly at the camera. Asha was a pro. Of course, her passport was new, so she’d done this not so long ago…that’s why she knew not to smile.

He focused the image on the computer’s monitor. She really was pretty when she wasn’t cursing him out. He hadn’t seen her girlfriend look anything but angry, but he thought Asha could do better. Herman opened his mouth to say so, but he swallowed his comment with a sour frown. She’d think I was insulting her or something.

The ring light flashed, and the machine began printing her driver’s license. “I’ll call you up when it’s ready,” he said.

The machine was slow, and with the time it took to cool down it should have been shut down already. While the card printed and was overlaid with the holographic coating, Herman cleaned the camera and got his desk ready for closing.

The card was ready with less than five minutes left in the day, and he’d be forced to stay an extra ten minutes after closing until the machine was cool enough to be covered with the dust sheet.

“Asha Hassan to window three, please.” There was no one else in the waiting room but Asha and her girlfriend and no clerks other than himself, but he was going to remain professional. He even went above and beyond by saying “please.”

The two women stepped up to the counter, and he slid the card across to her. Her girlfriend stood on tiptoes to kiss her on the cheek. “Let’s go celebrate.”

They left without even thanking him for staying late. “You’re welcome,” he said to the empty room. “Typical.”

Herman’s commute home took twenty minutes longer than normal. Staying late had put him in the midst of the worst of rush hour traffic. When he finally got home, it was too late to make something decent for dinner, so he settled for a can of soup. While he ate it, he wondered why the store was always out of the good soup whenever he shopped.

After soup and getting ready for bed, Herman heard the elevator at the end of the hall ding. A moment later, he heard…barely…Asha’s door being opened and shut.

Now she’s sneaking around like a thief, he thought, totally untrustworthy. That annoyed him. Herman ignored the part of his brain that said he’d be more annoyed if she’d made more noise getting in.

Once the news had finished confirming his worst fears about the state of the world, Herman turned off the television. He heard a faint giggle from Asha’s apartment. It didn’t sound like she was in the living room which adjoined his, but probably in her bedroom.

He moved to his own bedroom and lay down. He couldn’t hear anything else from the adjoining apartment, but his imagination wouldn’t let him rest. Herman was certain the women were laughing at him; at how rude they’d been and how they’d made him stay late and get stuck in rush hour traffic.

Sleep was slow in coming, and fitful. Life, fate, whatever it was, had once again kicked him while he was down. Herman Fish Jr. was a profoundly unhappy man.