I Won’t Let Go Of You

“Jack...What are you doing? Out here. With the likes of me? Ha, I’d think everybody back at the camp is probably worried sick about you. Should get back to em; otherwise, they’ll kill me for just lookin at ya.”

“Relax, Clayton. They know I’m here.”

“What....how did you-“

“Can I come in?”

“You can...”

“Not too shabby a place you got here: a fireplace, a kitchen, a bedroom, a living room. The wallpaper could be better, though, and the carpet’s pretty crap. Dead bugs? Come on, man, I know vacuum cleaners haven’t been a thing for a while now but have some respect for yourself!”

“You come here to judge me? Ah, I see. Didn’t get enough of doing that back at the camp.”

“No, I didn’t come here to judge you, Clayton. I came for...a vacation. You sit in a pretty safe spot-you’re welcome for that, by the way- and the dead skins have a harder time reaching you. Back at camp, we kinda got problems now. Another group’s settled about a mile away, and they’re loud as hell. I get wanting to have a good time, but sheesh, I don’t wanna get eaten by zombies.”

“And so you, Jack Barron, leader of your little group, came here to visit your enemy instead of protecting them from a possible threat? Huh. Sure. I’ll buy that story from ya; got nothing better to do. And since you care so much, pick up those dead bugs off the carpet. Had a cat wander in sometimes, but it started to get too much, and, screw it, I ate it. Sue me. Nothing else to eat around here, and you people sure as hell aren’t giving me any supplies.”

“Supplies are running low these days, gotta take care of our own.”

“I used to be ‘your own.’”

“Stop it. I’m not going there with you. Here, get a bag or something to put these damn dead bugs in. Thanks. Now listen, I’m here because I want to be. I told everyone elsewhere I’d be if they need me, but I told them not to need me.”

“You really think I’m gonna be that great of company? Here ya go, there’s plastic bags under the sink. Kept em for that cat to poop in, but ya know, she just kept pooping on the floor.”

“You cleaned that up already, right?”

“Obviously.”

“Is it, though?”

“Jack.”

“....Yes?”

“Why are you here... You can’t possibly forget all the...all the hell I put you through.”

“I don’t forget. Probably never will, but Clayton, maybe I wanna forgive you.”

“Forgive? Don’t make me laugh. You know how unrealistic that is. You can say you forgive me all you want. But how can you forgive the theft? Me stealing from the group to give to another group just so I could impress them? I let ego get in the way. Once I had control of them, we raided your camp, killed your people, and laughed while you were all on your knees begging me to stop.”

“You still never told me why you did all that.”

“I’m not an easy shell to crack, Jack. Ha! Yeah. You tried, though, you tried real hard. Beat my ass to a bloody pulp. Ya know, that’s a weird expression. Where do you think it came from?”

“I don’t know, Clayton,”

“Don’t huff and puff about it, you know I don’t take shit seriously. Once you got bored of me, lived out your sick fantasies of tying me down, you let me go. Sent me here. Just far enough away to not have to see me, but close enough to know I won’t dare be a thorn in your side. But you, you, Jack, were a thorn in mine.”

“Really? How so? You’re the one who turned your back on us. Here. Take the bag outside. You got any air freshener?”

“Over in that cupboard. And you all were a thorn in my side. I just wanted to be in a group that actually thrived instead of showing mercy to people who were no better than snakes.”

“We showed mercy to you...”

“By not killing me? Letting me live up here, all by my lonesome?”

“Pretty much. Don’t try to make me sound like the bad guy here, Clayton. What you did was wrong, and now you have to suffer the consequences.”

“Never said it wasn’t...I’m just saying you had a part to play too.”

“Did I really? And what was that?”

“I wanted...something I couldn’t have.”

“What.”

“In short? I can’t believe I’m actually gonna come out with this....love. I wanted....I... ugh I wanted your love.”

“I wanted your love too...”

“You never-“

“You never told me either. So you’re right. We’re both to blame.”

“I got a lot of things I need to work on...My anger, jealousy, hardheadedness, it’s what ultimately caused me to jump ship. Get my sick revenge. I knew what I did was wrong, and I did it anyway. Just to watch you cry.”

“Doesn’t sound like love to me...you’re toxic.”

“I know.”

“But you can change. If you want to.”

“I know...”

“Hey, Clayton, look at me.”

“...”

“You messed up. Big. Things you can’t really undo by just saying you’re sorry. I’m not unrealistic here, so don’t tell me that again. But if you put your mind to it, you can show everyone you’ve changed. I can see it in your eyes, time alone to think has done you some good. Things may never be the same, but maybe that’s a good thing, cause even before, I was always breaking up fights with you and other members. What was up with that? Why did you have such a temper? You still act like that? All big and bad even though nobody's watching?”

“I try to stay tough, heh. And I bottle up my emotions, Jack. That’s what happens. And I have to do that, ya know. I mean, come on, look at me! I’m the ultimate example of a brute.”

“And yet, your voice is shaking. You don’t have to pretend, not around me. Maybe if you...I don’t know how else to put this, so please don’t take offense. If you let yourself be vulnerable around me and others, instead of lying, you’d have a lot more friends. People being afraid of you is nothing to be proud of. Takes more strength to let yourself feel than to keep it all hidden.”

“Maybe I’m a coward, then.”

“You’re not. You’re afraid, but you’re strong enough to overcome that, I know you are. Look, I don’t know where we’re gonna end up from here, but aren’t you hungry? I brought some vegetables and a Fox I caught in a trap. Not a very big one, but more than plenty of meat for two.”

“I don’t know how to cook it.”

“I can show you. Come on.”

..............................................................................

“Jack... Jack....help me...”

“Shhh...Hey, Clayton, wake up. It’s okay! It’s okay....it’s just me. You’re safe. You were crying in your sleep. Nightmare? Here, move over, or we’ll both freeze.”

“How long are you staying here...”

“As long as I want. As long as you want.”

“What if I didn’t want you to leave...”

“Then we could talk about that.”

“But your people they’d...”

“Shhh. I’m a grown man, Clayton. If I want to hang up my boots as a leader, I’m more than welcome to.”

“I shouldn’t have done it....I...I...I knew it was wrong, and I’m...I'm sick...I’m sorry.”

“You’re forgiven—that simple. The world ain’t like it was before; it can take the strongest of us down and poison our brains. But you’re awake now. You know you have to change. All this guilt, anger, it’s not doing you any favors. You look like you haven’t slept in a while.”

“I haven’t. Just a few hours here and there.”

“Let’s start with that, then. Do you forgive yourself now? Can you let go of that guilt? Let go of the man you used to be. Become the man I know you are inside.”

“Easier said than done....”

“You’re shivering, here, we’ll just pile both our blankets on top of us. Now, please, let’s just start with this. I promise I’ll be there with you every step of the way. But you gotta forgive yourself to start from scratch.”

“I can’t...”

“You can. I forgave you. And you hurt me the most. I know that what you did is... well, it’s not the real you. You’re purging on the bad stuff and finding out the good stuff about you. You have a warm smile, you’re kind, when you want to be, that is. Strong, a good leader, an amazing hunter, not to mention extremely entertaining.”

“You flatter me.”

“I’m just keeping it real. But I’ll say it as many times as I have to before it sinks in. I forgive you. I. Forgive. You. Everyone deserves a second chance. Ahhh, there you are. No, don’t wipe them away; embrace them. Men are allowed to cry.

“I can't go back and change what I’ve done... I can’t-“

“Mmmhmm. But you can change what you do from this moment on. You can make peace with yourself. You’re already off to a good start with me.”

“I don’t know what to say, Jack...”

“You don’t have to say anything. Just hold on to me as I’m holding on to you. Listen to my heartbeat and get some sleep. I won’t let go of you. Ever.”