Thank You Forever

Warning: This involves language, hints transphobia, hints self harm, and hints of suicide.

March 4th, 2021

I'm tired of doing this. Keeping it all in.

I looked up some ways about letting it all out. Talking to people's too much. So.. I'm going to start a journal. A bit cliche I guess, but, if it'll help, I'll do it. Makes sense. 

March 9th, 2021

It's annoying. How much of society frowns at this. My family sends me mixed messages. "It's common for girls to hate their breasts." Sure. But is it to the point were you want to squish them down, to make them invisible? To squish them out of existence? And if that doesn't work, to claw them off of ones body? 

Then there's my frame. I wish to replace it. To destroy that fragile hourglass figure and replace it with a wineglass of strength. Do you know how much doubt I feel when you say "You're a girl. It's normal to want them gone, and to be strong."? 1) I don't want them smaller. I want them gone. 2) Why, mothers, must you say that? You see us want two, sometimes three bras. Or those shirts that women have, that make your stomach smaller- but for breasts instead. We've told you, mothers, parents, family, society, that we hate them over and over and over. You simply throw "You're a girl, it's normal.." in our face.

My body screams she/her with these hips, the curves and breasts yet my soul is screaming he/him. 

Do you know the joy, when I see my chest flat? When my voice is dry, raspy and deep from the lack of water? From the screaming? The power I feel when lifting something with one arm. When the words "sir" "him" "he" "King" and "Prince" are spoken to me..  I feel so much power in owning it. Wearing the flannels, the suits and ties. 

But because of the words you spout, even when you know, and comment, and claim you support the transgender community, you spout those Gods damned words! Do you know what the do to me, mother?! The amounts of times I've doubted myself because "I'm too young.", the amounts of times I've questioned the reality of my thoughts. I still do Gods damned it!

I'm tired of it. The doubt, the hate towards my body. My mind, it hurts. It hurts so much. You know words are like medicine, but know they are also like poisoned laced daggers. You never know if one has a "tolerance" or not.

March 14th, 2021

Time and time again, I drop hints to those close to my life. Are they blind or do they simply not care? I should just keep my mouth zipped shut. It's pointless. I will never learn, will I? I should know I'll just be their toy. It's a wonder that mother hasn't noticed..

I've begun sleeping with my knife. Holding it in my hand, like a stuffed animal. It never leaves me once throughout the night. I wish other things, beings, were as loyal as that knife. It might not be living, but it gives me so much more than society does, mother.

I'm sorry if you wake, and I'm not there. Maybe, we'll meet in another life, mother. And our relationship will be healthy. I desperately want it to be so. I don't want to be something she's sculpting any longer.

March 15th, 2021

I've failed. I can't say I'm surprised though. I'm shit at the things that truly matter. I'm just a trophy. I should know this by now, with my seventeen years of life. I should know this.

March 19th, 2021

Today was a good day. I've worn my comfort hoodie, big and baggy. It hides everything still, despite a few years since it's purchase. It's honestly the best medicine out there. Someone called me a "sir" today, because of it.

Nothing could bring me down after that.

March 22nd, 2021

This month just isn't the one for me, is it?

March 25th, 2021

I didn't hide them today. Those marks on my skin. She doesn't know the cracks on her creation. She mustn't care then, like she says. I'm merely a source of entertainment, someone for her to do pretty hair designs.. To dress up, to help her with the house. She just continues to grab more clay- smothering it over the imperfections. One more year, til I break out of here. Out of her reach.

March 27th, 2021

Everyone who went to public school, in America or other, all say school is hell, at least once. I find it so amusing. School's my heaven, not even because my friends are there, that does play a part- but it's so better than the yelling my mother's boyfriend does to my sister, the slamming of a door, the pressure of being nothing less than perfection.

March 3oth, 2021

Academics is where I strive. Everything else- I'm merely shit. Even at killing myself I'm shit, I can't do anything right. I'm not sure if I should be glad or pissed as all hell at this fact. I so desperately want to be gone, from this home or world I don't care anymore, but God, any of you, just take me away. Please.

April 2nd, 2021

Someone invited me to lunch tomorrow- what do I do? Do I go or..? This is strange. They're probably going to ditch though.. Mother suggested I give it a shot. My mother may be a bitch sometimes, but mothers do have knowledge in these sorts of things, so I shall go. 

He showed up. He actually came. We both like salads and sandwiches from the school- I've never met a guy so excited about salad. It's adorable. His entire personality is, honestly. He gets so excited about stories. I made the mistake of telling him I write- now he wants to read some of my works. How do I tell him I write fanfiction?

April 3rd, 2021

We hung out during lunch again. Apparently his favorite color is blue. I was shocked, as was he, when I realized my favorite color was not purple, but rather yellow. We both enjoyed that discovery. The conversations I have with this boy are pure. It's so sweat, talking to him. His name is Nathan. 

April 8th, 2021

I apologize, my lovely journal. The past few days have been glorious, I didn't have the need to record anything. I will remember this week til the day I die, hopefully. 

Nathan is the best. We've hung out every lunch, every day. Mother hasn't noticed the change in my mood, but he certainly has. I wonder if he knows, or thinks of things about me. I wonder sometimes, if it would be nice to read his thoughts. Hopefully. Males I've known in the past aren't so kind with their thoughts. Myself included.

April 9th, 2021

It's amazing how a day at home could make me want to die. She just keeps adding terrifying things to my head. I'm just her sculpture.

April 11th, 2021

I forgot that I didn't where normal pants today. Those marks showed with the shorts I was wearing. Nathan noticed. I'm not sure how to process his anger, not at me for doing that to myself, but at the fact that I'm hurting so much I've been damaging my body in such a way.

Apparently he wants to be a therapist.

April  12th, 2021

He made the effort to meet me in the morning today. To see if I was okay… He's way to sweet for the likes of me.

April 15th, 2021

We've started hanging out during the mornings too. We talk, well mostly he talks. I say things here and there. He's so open about himself. It's so weird. I like it though. The things he's passionate about, makes me smile seeing someone so happy talking to me.

April 17th, 2021

I have more guilt than I thought I would. I did it after being clean for awhile. When I showed up in a hoodie and baggy pants, he just.. Knew. He was a tad mad at me, but mostly for me hiding it. He demanded for me to tell him why. I refused to, but what if I should? He seems so kind, so sweet. But what if he's like my mother? And hates people like me, down to their very being? Perhaps I risk it.. After all, what would change?

I messaged him, telling him the majority of everything, just enough for him to know, but not enough for him to worry. He knows that I'm trans now..

April 18th, 2021

How can one be so kind? He gave me a binder. Apparently his older sibling is nonbinary- and this one no longer fit. He washed it this morning, I still remember the smell of lavender from the soap he used. He brought up what name I would prefer. I've never thought about that.

We messaged after school, I'm writing this as we're still talking. We're thinking of names. It's adorable, the ideas he has. The reason too. Like, Rin, because of my love for anime(he knows about my fanfiction stories, he's an AVID reader of my stories, it seems), and for my small connection to my femininity. 

Then there was William, because it was nice and proper. Jason, after the killer from the movies(he loves horror movies, it's so neat to talk to him about such things) because I'm as smart as him, and just as enduring. There are so many names he's listing. I just can't. He's so kind. He knows me.

April 22nd, 2021

I'm wearing my baggy black pants today, one of my baggy t shirts tucked into them. My hair's all in a beanie. He doesn't know, but I've chosen a name. Ace, for it's meaning of something being void, and for the usual meaning. The mastery of something, the ruling of things. It's, me. The duality the name has. Nathan really liked the steps I've took today, the sudden masculine presentation. He loved the name I ended up with too. It's amazing how much confidence he has sparked within me. He's chipping away the things she has added.

April 28th, 2021

Today is one of those days were I've done something idiotic. I still feel the same.. But not as bad as before. Something's changed. What I have no clue, but.. Despite today, I feel.. Happier. Better.

May 5th, 2021

Nathan and I have begun to hang out after school. His family has a shitload of junk food, it's so weird, I've never thought he was the one for grape fanta or for triple chocolate muffins.

May 7th, 2021

He came out to me. Nathan. I'm glad he can trust me so much to tell me something like that. He came out as gay. We check out the boys at school together during lunch, commenting on those walking through Safeway together laughing. It's pleasant.

May 9th, 2021

Nathan brought up the fact I comment on everyone's appearance, boy girl or other. I told him the series of labels I've felt that matched that before landing on simply queer, as it's so strange. We laughed, he didn't blame me. 

May 12th, 2021

She messaged him. As me. Just what did she say? Mother, I swear to any and all Gods if you hurt him in any way I will make you pay dearly.

He wasn't at school today. I'm worried, what if he pulled a me?

May 15th, 2021

I haven't seen him at school at all. I don't have my phone, I can't message him.

May 18th, 2021

I've done it again.

I don't know where he is. Mother isn't letting me out of her sight, save for school.

May 22nd, 2021

I skipped class. I'm going to his house.

His car's not there. No one's answering.

Mom smacked me for the first time. Apparently trying to kill myself is okay, but not missing school.

May 26th, 2021

I skipped and checked his house again. I saw his car there. 

He's alive- he's okay. He's okay!

We ended up driving to my mother's. She told him to do something.. As me. She sparked that hatred in him. I snapped at her. Spilling everything. My attempts, all of them, my cries for help- my identity. My joy. Nathan is close to my heart.

May 27th, 2021

Nathan and I decided I'm staying at his place. It's oddly clean for a family house.

May 29th, 2021

He lives alone. That's why it's so random. He cleans instead of harming.

That's a tad concerning, considering how clean it is- but good to know.

May 30th, 2021

I met some of Nathan's friends. We're already close. He's ranted to them a lot to them about me. Kinda cute.

June 9th, 2021

It's my birthday. Nathan, his friends and I went to my mother's house. She was past out on the couch. Not drunk, surprisingly. We got my stuff, the few things she hasn't thrown out.

I live with Nathan now, apparently.

June 17th, 2021

It's been awhile since I've wrote in this. I honestly don't have much to say, life has been so kind to me. I've found other coping mechanisms. My stories may have taken a darker turn- but. I've been clean for a long while. I'm so close to no longer being what she wished for me to be.

June 23rd, 2021

Well, this is interesting. Nathan has confessed. He likes me. I like him too. I didn't say so straight away- but looking back on it.. I do.

June 24th, 2021

We both decided to get to know each other more, before committing to anything.

August 7th, 2021

Nathan and his friends surprised me today. Apparently they've all been saving up for something. My top surgery. I can get it. Mother's not here to stop me.

October 10th, 2021

I've been so happy as of late, no words can truly describe this. My chest is flat- I've even started testosterone. I've ruined her creation. I'm no longer anything relating to her. I don't look like her. I'm something new entirely- I've asked Nathan out and he's said yes.

I'm no longer her sculpture. I'm free.