Evergreens

Mother had always warned me about the rat poison. In a tinted glass jar it sat, stowed away on a top shelf, only reached for when the cat couldn’t keep up with the mice.

One time I had gotten into it. I didn’t eat much, but felt like I was going to die. My insides twisted, and food was unthinkable. But soon it passed. I forgot the pain, only remembering how funny it must have been watching me spew everywhere.

The day the baby died the rat poison had been left on the counter, just within my short reach. Seeing it had given me a great idea for a prank.

***

“Kiefer!” A shrill voice pulled me from my slumber. Strands of hay showered around me as my younger brother fell on top. “Kiefer, Kiefer wake up! You said you had a surprise for me.” I did have a surprise for him. But surprises weren’t always good. “I know you’re awake, I can see you smiling.”

My hands came up, easily finding and tickling him. We wrestled, both of us falling into a fit of giggles. Finn was nearly five years younger than me, all skin, bone, and nerves. “I do have a wonderful surprise for you.” My hand mounted on top of his head as I stood. I ruffled his hair, dusting the hay off, disorienting him. I let go only to watch him fall on the bed of straw. “But we need to go into the woods to get it.”

Finn sat up, his face paled. Brown curls fell into his hazel eyes. "What? But you know mom’s rules, besides grandma said we are going to have a really bad snow storm tonight.”

“Are you scared?” I teased.

He instantly turned red. “No! I’m not scared, but… won’t we get lost in the dark?”

“Come on.” I grabbed my coat from the ground, though the weather was nice enough I shouldn't need it. For winter, the weather was oddly warm. “It won’t take us that long. Mom won’t even notice we’re gone.”

He hesitated, maybe he should have hesitated more. Maybe I should have. But we didn’t.

He climbed out of the hay, standing by my side. “This isn’t another one of your mean pranks is it?”

Something heavy pulled in my chest, it gave me a moment of pause before I pushed on. This prank was going to be hilarious. “No, I really have a surprise for you.”

***

The poison was white, much to my confusion and delight. When I sprinkled it on the baby’s food and mixed it in, it looked the same. It even smelled the same. Mom smiled. “What a good big brother, taking the baby his food.” I wasn’t, I wish she hadn’t praised me for what I had done.

I was worried the poison would have a nasty taste that the baby wouldn’t like. But no. He ate his porridge like he did every day. Mom held him, and praised him, then me, and everything was normal. Like every night. A part of my child-brain thought he would start throwing up immediately, and when he didn’t I thought my prank didn’t work. I didn’t know I’d have to wait for him to digest it.

***

“Kiefer, we are really far from home.”

He was right, we had been walking for nearly an hour and even my legs were starting to get tired. “We’re almost there. Just a little further.” It wasn’t a lie. I didn’t have a specific spot picked out, but Finn had started to get tired. His pace had slowed until he was shuffling behind me. And with the long shadows that time of day made, he wouldn’t see me when I left him.

“Oh Finn! I think I see it.” I began to run. He was too tired, and soon lost me in the trees.

“Wait for me!” Snow had just started to fall. “Kiefer!” It hadn’t been much, just a few big flakes. “Kiefer, please don’t leave me!” But that’s always how blizzards start.

***

It took an hour for the baby to start throwing up, it wasn’t as funny as I thought it was going to be. Mom wasn’t scared until the fever kicked in. At that moment I knew I went too far.

***

“Kiefer, come back. Please. I’m so cold.” Tears streamed down little Finn’s face. It had only been a couple of minutes but my prank had gone far enough.

I stepped out from the evergreen I had been hiding behind. “It’s okay Finn, I’m here. Let’s go home.”

Snow had started coming down, and I could barely see our breaths in the dark. Finn hit me. Pouring all his exhausted fury into weak punches that barely hurt. “You’re so mean!”

“I know. I’m so sorry Finn. We have to hurry.” I took his hand so we wouldn’t get separated. Turning around I noticed our tracks had been blown away by the storm.

“Kiefer.” His hand tightened its grip on mine.

I held him a little closer. “It’s okay, just hang onto me. I’ll get you home.” And I would, however I could.

***

The baby didn’t look good. In just a few hours he had turned pale, and would not stop crying. His little legs were cold, but mom wouldn’t let me near him. So I sat outside listening to him scream. I now know she was worried about sickness but only I knew the truth.

There had been a blizzard that night too. Still dad weathered it to find a doctor, but there was nothing he could do. I still remember the sadness in his eyes as he patted my head.

Not long after the doctor had left, the baby stopped crying. My soul felt heavier. I knew this was serious, that’s why I approached mom and dad. They had to know what I had done.

***

“Kiefer.” Finn’s hand had turned cold, and his teeth were chattering. This was my fault. For the first time in a long time I noticed it, an old heaviness in my soul.

“Here.” I let go of his hand only long enough to pull my coat on him.

“No.”

“It’s okay, us big kids don’t get cold.” I hoped he believed me. That he wouldn’t notice the ice on my eyelashes, or that my hands were turning gray too. Whatever the reason, he didn’t protest when I picked him up.

We weren’t making it back home. Not tonight, my little stunt had ensured that. A memory older than me pulled on my soul, this wasn’t the first time I had taken it too far. But this time I could still change the outcome. I could save Finn.

Everything was dark, which made the soft blue light stand out. It illuminated a crack in a dead pine tree. Something about the spot felt familiar. I was drawn to the tree, like the space inside the tree was physically tied to my soul. Those strings tugged, forgotten memories tickling the back of my consciousness.

The space in the trunk looked just big enough. I placed Finn in first before tucking myself around him, using my body to shield him from the snow. As the blizzard advanced, I lost my chance to grow old. It was cold. Frostbite had settled on my ears. I didn’t mind the cold, not if Finn was safe.

***

Mom screamed, but dad was oddly calm. He stood, motioning me to the door. As we walked through the woods, he only had one question, “Why?”

There was no why, I just thought it would be funny to see the baby throw up. It wasn’t. None of this was meant to happen. I cried, it didn’t change anything. My soul was still heavy with my crime, the baby was still dead.

At some point I slowed, then crashed into the snow. My eyes were on the evergreens. Behind me, his gun raised, aimed right at me. The last thing I heard was a click.

***

“Kiefer! Finn!”

The snow storm had finally passed.

“Dad! Over here, Kiefer needs help.” It was Finn’s voice, rough and quiet even as he tried to shout. He was alive.

“Finn!”

“They're over here.” Dad had brought others.

Footsteps in the snow, “Kiefer, Finn we are going to get you out.” Dad was right there. Standing right in front of me, yet I wasn’t there. I was already gone.

Men grunted, the dead pine groaned back. Pain. It all sounded like pain. Finally someone else stepped up. “Step back.”

“No, we can-”

Then a hacking sound. But it didn’t sound like a hatchet on wood.

Finn’s screams surrounded me. I couldn’t see them any more, but I felt at peace. “Kiefer!” That was me, one of my names. The only one I could remember.

A sickening thud changed the atmosphere, I could feel that. It landed right on top of me like a heavy blanket. “Oh God.” I was already beyond prayers. “It’s okay Finn. You’re going to be alright.” That was all I needed to hear.

The last thing I heard was the sounds of those who loved me, crying over where I slept. I was still in that dark forest, a frozen body to be buried in the snow. It was worth it.

“Kiefer.”

I couldn’t believe my ears, he wasn’t supposed to meet me here. “Finn?” It wasn’t Finn. A younger boy with darker hair smiled at me. The baby whose name I had forgotten in the change between lifetimes stood before me.

He embraced me. “You did it! I always knew you could. You’ve changed so much in our time apart.”

“It doesn’t change what I’ve done.” The heaviness belonged to me. A reminder of what I had done to Finn and the baby.

His hands were light on my shoulders, he pulled back just enough to face me. “No, it doesn’t. But you took responsibility for what you did. That changes everything.”

“Finn will never forgive me.”

“Maybe not. But you need to know that you did the right thing this time. You made sure that your mistake didn’t kill him. This time you did everything you could to save him, even at the cost of your mortality. You should be proud of yourself.”

The heaviness that had settled into my soul lifted, replaced by the cold of that winter forest. I did the right thing. If I could do it, then others could change too. Something in me shifted, an ancient feeling taking place in my frozen core. I could help others change, help them make up for their mistakes, like I did.