Pistachio

I miss seeing people’s faces on the street.

I remember my art teacher saying how the nose is the most prominent part of a face; well, Mr. Jackson, I haven’t seen a single nose in eight months. This probably sounds insane (does it really?) but I don’t know anymore.

I quit smoking, I just chaw pistachio shells now, the crunching sound they make when they break is far more compelling than the smoke.

I spend a whole day watching the neighbor’s cat pace up and down before the window. I don’t know her name; I call her Jade; she looks like a Jade actually, a startling grey. I can only guess she has blue eyes; but I am sure of it.

Last night he asked me for my number; I died a little; does he not remember? I had saved him as a contact first day we met; I love his name; Sebastian. I can’t explain how, but he looks like a Sebastian too, his curls and the light in his eyes.

But he did not remember.

Or perhaps he thought I didn’t; didn’t want to startle me perhaps.

Startle me; what a strange thought.

I survived heartbreak and a stalker, yet I worry if Sebastian didn’t mean to startle me.

Thing is; we’re going out tomorrow.

(Is it a date? I don’t know.)

We’re going out, and I will have my pistachio green mask on; I can only guess his will be black. That’s what all the cool people are doing anyway.

Jade jumps; in pursuit of a butterfly. Silly cat, I smile, for she is on the 3^rd floor and the butterfly is outside the window; but then I remember how my face lights up when I finally get that text notification behind a glass screen.

Sometimes I feel like Jade too; chasing butterflies. (Is this a date?) Does he even like me? (Why does it take for him so long to respond?)

I feel like pacing; and I do, chewing a pistachio shell after the other; my pants need to be watered. I see them chug down my spare water bottle and I smile; at least somebody needs me.

Last night I redecorated. And by that, I mean I got the spare water bottles outside and finally finished that crochet piece I started on August. Time doesn’t matter anymore.

(But on thirteen hours I got a date with Sebastian.)

We’ve developed a strange relationship really; a kind of dependence; I text him good morning; he texts me pictures of Jade when she wakes up.

(He told me her name once, but I’m too shy to ask again.)

I send him pictures of butterflies; he sends me pictures of sparrows.

We met in a comical way really. I was sitting on a bench; and he sat next to me. And just like that, I got his number, he got mine. I saw him save me on his contacts.

(But he forgot.)

(On thirteen hours I got a date with Sebastian.)

Sometimes I think the universe is comical; sending us chances the most peculiar way; I met him because he just sat next to me. And I knew Jade already, been watching her since June. He got my number in October. Asked for it again in January.

I miss going out just because why not. I miss boarding a bus that goes to nowhere. I miss wearing lipstick and doing a full-face makeup.

I miss-

Jade is sleeping.

It’s 8 am.

(On three hours I got a date with Sebastian.)

I did my nails last night; a bright purple I loved since I saw it on the shelf. My rings are golden; they compliment it nicely. I wonder if I should add a pair of gold earrings too.

Last night I rewatched all of the Barbie movies. I cried on Rapunzel; I feel trapped like her with nowhere to go; at least she had a dragon and a magic paintbrush.

I have pistachio sells and a sketchbook I’m afraid to use. Things don’t look on page the way the do in my head; the other girls on art class are so talented; one drew a bird in flight in a single stoke; I was sure it would lift itself from the page and fly. It reminded me of Sebastian and his sparrows.

(On three hours I got a date with Sebastian.)

Jade is awake; kneading on the window again; she loves the red potted plant he has up there. No Jade good morning today; but did I send good morning myself? My only hope is that he’s nervous; my biggest fear is people forgetting about me; the things we plan.

That’s why I hate this new reality.

People can forget you any time.

All it takes if for them to not look at their phone; or to forget to. And they forget you as well.

I keep reminding myself that he has a life; a life that does not revolve around me. Nor is his inability to respond to texts any indicator of how much he likes me or not. Nor the fact that sometimes he disappears mid conversation.

Once I literally saw him grabbing Jade before falling three floors down; he left me on read; of course he did; his cat nearly died. But I still felt jealous.

Hell; I feel jealous so easily lately. All it takes really is an Instagram story.

And I hate this part of me; I wasn’t like that.

But my friends live far away; and I’m tired of going so far away only to listen to the same three jokes. I love them; I really do, but I’m tired. And I don’t know why.

They’ve always been there for me; I’ve always been there for them, but we can’t fit on the width of the sidewalk, forcing us to split up in half; it’s not even like we go out all together anymore.

(On three hours I got a date with Sebastian.)

And I don’t know why I hold onto him so dearly; why he seems to be the only living thing in my world; but I am alone with my plants and my pistachio shells, and the group chats are dead. Who really has news anymore?

Sometimes I worry if I’m a burden really; draining him like a leech; I’m not fun anymore. Hell. Well, I can be. I know that.

It’s cloudy outside, the weather is really draining me.

It snowed a week ago, everything was white and crystal clear; Jade was appalled.

A notification on my phone, I jump to grab it, but no; it’s just a like on an Instagram comment.

(On two hours I got a date with Sebastian.)

I have a terrible habit of being late, so I start with my preparation way in advance. I brush my hair. I pick a sweatshirt; actually two, because there is still ice outside. And just to feel something; full face makeup. Not that anyone is going to see it anyway.

(On twenty minutes I got a date with Sebastian.)

The sun finally appears as I wrap my scarf around my neck. I smile at Jade stretching in a beam of sunlight and spring down the stairs.

(On five minutes I got a date with Sebastian.)

And when he smiles with his eyes, I don’t mind that he forgot my number anymore.