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Funny Science Fiction

Note: I wrote this within, like, 2 hours just to push myself to meet a deadline. Hope u like.




"I have a bomb."


The king tried his best to mask his shock as they spun around the ballroom with the hundreds of onlookers watching. People with happy smiles watching their king dance with his new queen. A traditional dance upheld for generations that marks the beginning of a new era of peace on the planet Oogmith. The bomb was not part of the tradition, nor a welcome addition.


"What are you talking about?" spoke Ruthra with forced calmness.

"You heard me, you puppet. Now tell me, where are you hiding your alien masters? Erevinig hissed through clenched teeth. Her eyes flicked towards her waist to prove her threat. Sure enough, Ruthra only now noticed the faint green glow of a small neutron bomb embedded just under the waistline of her wedding gown. Each of his three hearts skipped a beat.


"Darling... what's happening?" He remembered to keep on his smile. If anyone suspected that something may be wrong, then tonight could end a lot differently then planned.


"You poor, brainwashed peon. I pity what they've done to you. But soon, you and the rest of the the Oog race will be free of their influence."


"...Perhaps we may have rushed into this marriage. I believe the priest is still in the crowd some-"


"No!" Erevinig said too loud for comfort. "You will comply with my demands, or I shall free your minds through death." She leaned in to kiss Ruthra. She made sure that he could see a small button above her third tongue that no doubt activated a one way ticket to the ether for everyone in the room. For this reason, the king thought it wise not to French. The people laughed and cheered, unaware of how close they were to becoming a wall stain.


Ruthra smiled at the crowd, trying to ease his own state of mind rather than theirs. "State your demands," he said as quietly as possible.


"First, I require a ritual knife. Second, you shall escort me to your alien master so that I may cut out its heart. Finally, I must have you consume that heart so that it may free your mind of its control.


"There's been some misunderstanding. See, I think that I would be aware of some form of extraterrestrial manipulating me. How can you be sure you're not being manipulated into assassinating me?"


Ruthra held Erevinig's hand, dipping her as she replied. "There's no use attempting to use your mind tricks on me. I've read all about your tricks on Zeddit. I know all about your plan to take over the population through the king."


Dots started to connect in Ruthra's brain. In hindsight, it had been obvious she was a conspiracy extremist. Ruthra always thought that her hobbies of fashioning tinfoil hats were kind of quirky. He didn't do a double take when she brought home stacks of books, labeled Real Alien Sightings: Now with Proof! in a bold neon font. It had a picture of a pail, frail, bipedal creature with a tuft of hair on top of its head. Funny how these slight oversights are now culminating only now.


They transitioned into the musical number phase by Ruthra holding Erevinig up by her waist and twirled her around. The holy DJ presented himself on the stage and began laying down the "Beats of Prosperity". People in the crowd organized themselves into a line, kicking their legs into the air while singing:


With peace and hand and our hearts filled with joy,

Its time for the king to father a new girl or boy!


Cheers, to the queen and our brand new queen!

They saved us from an enemy that was very mean!


Oh sorry, no offense to you your highness,

But your dad was quite very heinous!


You did wipe out our species with the war just a smidge,

But because you married our king its water under the bridge!


Ruthra was stuck in the middle of the unescapable conga line. He looked feaverishly around the ballroom for Erevinig. Only to find that she was congaing right behind him. She flicked her tounges in and out as if threatening to push the trigger. Ruthra was forced down to two options. One, he could comply with her demands and eat the hearts of some innocent person he needs to dress as an alien in the name of peace.


The music faded out, people parted a way down the front of the stage where the priest was waiting with an RPG.


"Will the newly weds please step forward!"


Removing themselves from the conga line, they walked side by side to the front of the stage. The people clapped giving their best wishes for the marriage and the kingdom.


"This is your last chance to take me to your leader, whelp." Erevinig seethed under her breath.


Ruthra was powerless to do anything, he had no choice "After the ceremony I will give you what you want. Just please, spare my people." She smiled and they walked in silence to the stage.


The priest approached them procuring a massive RPG. He held it up high to the heavens as it it was touched by the gods themselves. Studded with the rarest jewels Oogmith could could provide, sparkling brighter then any star the king had ever seen.


"With this holy RPG," The priest began "you will shoot this rocket into the sky. Signifying the end of our war and the ushering in of an era of peace. Let this final shot fired be the end of useless bloodshed." The king was then handed the holy RPG. It felt light somehow, despite all the heavy expensive materials built into it. The weight was nothing compared to the stress of being at war with. The weight of lives falling into and out of fingertips. Like a steady stream on blood cascading onto pristine hands.


For the good of the people in this room, and for the good of the kingdom, the king made a hard decision. He turned the RPG to Erevinig and pulled the trigger. With a thunderous BOOM her body parts were sent scattered out the window leaving dark liquid green blood to paint the floors and wall.


The peoples mouths sat unhinged and unable to turn their heads away from the remains of their new queen. The King wore no expression, nor moved to address the people. He put the RPG back into the priests arms, of who was still in shock. Folding his arms behind his back and turning to the people, he made one simple decleration.


"Well fuck. My bad guys."

June 15, 2024 00:27

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