The desperation of love

The last few hours of the year were slipping by like the last few grains in an hourglass, falling into a deep abyss where all the wasted time went. I lied lifelessly on my bed, in a pool of self-induced misery. Waiting for a change that I knew would not come by just sitting and sulking. Still, I stared relentlessly at the faded plaster of my walls. I could hear my friends from halfway across the city, feel their disapproval over my apathy. Hating me for having such an impassive attitude towards life. Or maybe such thoughts were just creeping projections of buried insecurities.

 An all-consuming pressure to just get up and do something swarmed my mind and filled every sense until it was drowning me from the inside. The overwhelming urgency was almost enough to drag me from my cocoon of safety, but I didn’t move a muscle, the lead in my veins keeping me pinned to my bedsheets. Feelings of hopelessness and helplessness tied me to the bed post, stronger than rope, stronger than any chain. Moreover, It was the fear of rejection. Fear of a broken heart. Fear of losing myself to love. Those such thoughts kept me in a hazy, unbreakable prison.

Through it all, a single face continued to flash through my mind. A reminder of all I could have and all I had to lose. Maybe the pressure of time slowly draining away, wasn’t enough to pull me out of bed. But maybe the desperation to see her again was. To see her, to hear her, to feel her. To have her next to me and show me that maybe everything could work out. But for that to happen I’d have to move.

And I finally did.

Maybe that in of itself was a sign of how much I needed her in my life. A sign that this really was the right decision. The only thing that could coax me out from my room was the desire to see her smiling and laughing over a corny joke I made. To see her nose painted a perfect pink by the biting cold. And to see her gorgeous eyes glisten in the summer sun, filled with nothing but pure, unadulterated happiness. I didn’t know if we’d be able to work anything out, nor did I know if she’d even be able to stay here. But I had to try.

Nothing had really changed in my mind, the fear and doubt still laid in waiting. But something had changed in my heart- I had hope. Hope that love would pull through. Whatever happened, I knew I had to see her before she boarded that plane and never looked back.

She had never been more than a friend, (though I always desperately wished we could have been more), since I never acted on any of my feelings. No matter how much I wanted to love her, I could never face the possibility of rejection. So, what had changed? I had no idea, but something certainly had.

After graduation, we had decided that we’d all stick around until after Christmas, then come the new year, everyone would start on their own paths for good. Sure, some of us had already started and finished their first term at university, but this was different. This would be a real goodbye and maybe that’s what had changed.

I shook all thoughts from my head, there was no use dwelling on the past. Instead, I jumped out of bed far faster than I thought possible. I suppose all the wasted energy from the past few months spent lounging in bed must have gone somewhere.

As I struggled into a pair of jeans and grabbed my keys, I couldn’t quite help the adrenaline that struck me, filling me with a beautiful clarity. I had a goal- I was finally going to give her my heart. I hadn’t quite reached excitement, not yet, but maybe an anticipation for what could be? I couldn’t shake the thought that something better was right around the corner, and once again, hope instilled itself within my heart. It wasn’t a terrible feeling.

With a newfound purpose I raced to the airport, barely keeping within the speed limit. The hope that filled me was unexpected and foreign, but not unwelcomed. The fact that I hadn’t felt so alive in months, reinstated my belief that this was right. No matter the outcome, I had to know that I had at least tried to make things work between us.

The desperation grew stronger, powered by each minute that flew by. Time was ticking to an end, and I couldn’t stop it, the only thing left to do was race against it and for once, it didn’t seem like a losing battle. Hope and adrenaline danced in my heart, creating a confidence in myself I had never seen before. I didn’t just hope for a happy ending, I was expecting one. I didn’t know if this was positively optimistic or recklessly dangerous for my heart. However, I didn’t have time to dwell, I could see the airport on the horizon. My grip unconsciously tightened around the wheel. I was hanging every part of my heart out on the line, and the pivotal moment was approaching far faster than my mind could comprehend. My heart quickened its pace and my breathing shortened, but all these nervous habits did nothing more than fuel the excitement forming inside me.

I pulled into the airport and rushed to park my car, turning off the engine in one swift motion. I stumbled from the car, as uncoordinated as a new-born baby lamb, and with the same overwhelming hope and joy as one too. With tousled, barely brushed hair and mismatched clothes I sprinted to the airport doors, avoiding people left and right like an advanced game of dodgeball. I glanced left and right, left and right, left and right. I didn’t see her, but I couldn’t stop looking just yet. One more moment, I tell myself, then she’ll appear. People were staring at the panicked figure flittering about the airport, and I honestly couldn’t blame them- I was a dishevelled mess. Left and right. I kept looking, but there was still no sign of her. My hope was fading so fast, but I couldn’t move, clinging to the slightest possibility that she was still here somewhere. I knew I was at the right gate, meaning she should be here, but she wasn’t. I hate how quickly all the hope fled from my heart. There was no dramatic ‘I feel like I’ll never love again’ moment. There was only my heart sinking lower and lower into my stomach with each passing moment. Yes, there was no thought of ‘my life is over’, but that didn’t stop the tears from rimming my eyes, nor did it stop the crushing disappointment from creating a void within my heart.

I was trying to garner the will to move, even just enough to pick my shattered heart up from the floor, when I saw her. Relief flooded me like never before. A smile tore its way onto my face and for a second I was simply paralyzed by the fact that I really hadn’t lost her. The clock above me slowly counted down the last five minutes of the night. Five minutes to make everything okay. Five minutes to seize my second chance.

Without another thought, I approached her. The surprise in her features was evident; slack-jawed and wide-eyed. But none of that mattered. What mattered was the feelings I saw beneath her features. An unexplainable joy painted her face and a second later she was holding the biggest smile I had ever seen. Euphoria; A state of pure happiness. That was the feeling that filled the air now, securing the two of us in our own little bubble. No one else mattered, it was just me and her. Any explanation of my feelings became frivolous in that moment. Any prepared speeches on why she should stay here were meaningless. Words weren’t necessary any longer. I wrapped her up in my arms and bathed in the comfort she offered. Here and now, entangled together, I knew this was right. Two souls reconnected on a level we couldn’t even begin to understand, all I knew is that nothing could break us apart once we were united. In my heart, I knew that no matter what happened, whether she stayed or went, I would always love her, and she would always love me. We would always find a way back to each other in the end.

The crackling airport TVs flickered over to a news channel where the countdown to the New Year was due to begin. I took her hand in mine, and finally took a moment to breathe. In the span of a couple of hours, all feelings of misery had been entirely erased. Replaced with a powerful and undeniable love. I briefly wondered, once more, why I was suddenly able to finally act on this love, it seems all it took was a bit of desperation and the threat of a goodbye. But all in all, none of that mattered anymore. What mattered was the here and now, standing with my one true love. The love that coursed through my veins left me whole and complete, and as I stared into her eyes, I knew she felt the same. As we held each other close and watched the mini-TV, I knew I would finally be happy. I closed my eyes and leaned into her side. We listened to the countdown.

“5!”

Wrapped in a love that warmed my heart, all I could do was smile softly.

“4!”

I felt her squeeze my hand, a silent promise of true love.

“3!”

I squeezed back, a promise for that love to last forever.

“2!”

Finally, every fear and every doubt had faded away. It truly was an unbreakable love.

“1!”

I looked at the girl who I had always cared for so strongly, and when I saw nothing but pure, genuine love, I knew we’d be okay.

“Happy New Year!”