my lost soul

Empty just isn't a word anymore.

This feeling surpassed being empty.

This dangerous feeling it's eating me up.

My skin bruised, pummeled but mainly forgotten.

Vulnerability broke me.

I smile but it's not real, this feels like a cave.

The more you walk into the depths of darkness, the more you discover things that you didn't know were there.

“Scream. Scream it all out deflate the pain” that's what pain said to me.

People have told me that I look so beaten down and so sad. 

Well, I didn't have time to hide it today.

One look into my eyes, it's like looking at my soul, mazes form in ways you never thought they could form.

People step in and say “Get me out! Get me out!”

That's how I knew that they understood the pain. 

Friends look at me with a burden in their eyes .

Strangers look at me like I'm a broken soul.

My parents say “let's get you help, cause you definitely need it”

I just cry, I'm smiling but the tears in my eyes are telling my story.

There's this facility for “ troubled youth”.

I'm not troubled, I'm just misunderstood.

Instead of saying anything I sit in a circle with people I don't even know. 

Guards are located at every door, am I a prisoner?

“Your thoughts are like a jail, the prisoner is just your body, your soul heart isn't there, you're just following along”. Pain explained to me.

Hmm.. interesting I guess I have to wait till my heart comes back. 

“Good luck with that, your heart is getting hurt somewhere far away, it's breaking itself. So at this point you're a lost soul now. Good luck finding yourself”. Pain said laughing.

“Ha your right” I said smiling, but the tears running down my face said otherwise.

Here I go

Just run and jump, it should be easy right?

As i'm about to start to run, I can't stop.

It's like i'm in a sinkhole.

Ropes are tying me down, saying “no, your to early, Not yet”

I close my eyes and let the voices melt away.

I ran, my hands,brain said “yes, it's time just jump”

But my feet and heart aren't in sync 

They're saying no.

“You can't, it's not right, its not worth it”

“SHUT UP”

My thoughts drowning me, instead of me drowning my thoughts

My thoughts. My feelings. All transformed into people. 

And with one push.

My world went black, 

I noticed that while I jumped, all of my memories surrounding the sky

A tear on my right cheek

The water consumed my body

What to do next?

I wish I knew before I jumped.

You should've told yourself you're okay 

But do I really believe it?

You should've told yourself you're strong?

But do I truly feel it

Stop saying “ what ifs and how come”

I look in the mirror, what do I see?

I'm not sure what I even see, or if I'm even seeing anything? 

Maybe I'm using the wrong mirror?

Maybe that mirror is me. 

I’ve seen the imperfections, the flaws ive been trying to hide.

And maybe just maybe for once I'm not upset. Beneath all of what i've been trying to hide.

I'm not mad. I actually like it here. Can I stay here longer?

Smiling at me, I don't know why

Actually there making fun of me, it's pointless

 there's nothing left for me to give

Just to reflect on my childhood.

You broke me down,

Left me to collapse in agony upon the ground.

You broke every promise that you ever made,

I can't. Im sorry. I have no choice but to walk away

Instead, I took all the criticism the world threw at me.

Instead, I had to live in fear.

I needed to tell someone

Anybody

I opened up my mouth and nothing came out

Instead, I kept it all bottled up inside.

Instead, I grew up alone with no one to turn to.

Instead, I remained scarred and bruised.

. I tried to be sociable,

 but the more people that I meet the more disappointed I get

 So I know to enjoy myself, and a few good friends

.I had a dream, Climbing my way to the top 

I'm running as fast as I can

If I ran fast enough, can I finally run off the world some day

Or would I be stuck in a loophole?

I'm just trying to find a place to fall

The lonely moments just get lonelier

The silence ringing inside my head.

I don't fit in

Please, can I go home?

“SHUT UP”

Take me home NOW

“ Please” I said “ I need to empty out my sorrows, I can't take this anymore”

My thoughts. My feelings. All transformed into people. 

And with one push.

There's people here, friends and family.

But why do I feel so lonely?

 But my “Home” is not a place, it's a feeling.. 

a reality.

A reality, I can never find, well I found it. But I lost it long time ago Instead, I held my pillows tight while never-ending tears streamed down my face.

When my world came crashing down on me,

I am not afraid of the dark, just what's in it.

I'm not afraid of falling, just the fear of never coming back

Everyone got someone to give their darkness and sadness to.

never seemed to get anything out of it

Except bitterness and agony 

I tried to rise from the emptiness 

That followed me

Suddenly I understood what you was trying to say

It was hard. Painful you can say.

Most of my memories 

Because of you, my happiness never lasts.

Because of you, I can only find darkness.

I don't think anyone is ever ready,

To finish something, you never started

 The risk might be a chance 

I'm willing to take.

Even if it puts me in a brutal place 

I can do it.

I have trust issues,

 Anxiety and built up anger. 

You always sealed your emotions.

the trauma I have is so indescribable. Till this day I still feel empty, it feels like im screaming and no one can f*cking hear me