Desperate Remedies

God paced back and forth in His office. The time was drawing nearer. He’d been dreading this meeting. But as His children said: desperate times call for desperate…wait, how did it end again? Desperate remedies? That didn’t sound right. Well, that was the saying now. He was God after all. Anyone who disagreed would be greeted with a lightning bolt to the face.

God paused to stare out His window. He admired the landscape sprawled out before Him. Mountains bursting with flowers. Buildings dipped in gold. Puppies everywhere. His perfection made manifest. Utopia. Paradise. Heaven. It was so…empty. The shining city upon the hill looked more like a ghost town. The candy-coated streets were abandoned. There were barely thirty people at yesterday’s mixer. And if He was being honest, the whole place was becoming a bit of a sausage fest.

God perked up as an angel swooped overhead. Pristine wings and a radiating halo brought a twinkle to God’s eye. Was that a new resident? He leaned over the railing to double check. Drat. It was just Kevin. He was always flying too close to the office. God readied His smiting hand, electricity dancing between his fingertips. He reached out, and – He dropped His hand. Seeing Kevin fried to a crisp wasn’t the solution to His problem. And it would be a major headache to explain to Paul why He’d roasted two angels this week. No, the solution to His problem would arrive any second now.

God pursed His lips. Any second now. He placed hands on hips. Why wasn’t this working? When He demanded it, the person better damn well show up. Any second –

“My Lord, he’s here.” Carol said over the intercom. God pumped His fist. He hadn’t lost His mojo just yet.

“Send him in!” God bellowed. He loved bellowing. His voice carried across Heaven. He heard the army of puppies barking in the distance. They were less fond of the bellowing. He waved His hand, and their yapping ceased.

The door to His office creaked open, and that worthless excuse for an angel sauntered inside. He wore a finely tailored black suit and a matching fedora with holes in the top to make room for his curled horns. The whole ensemble was a bit much, wasn’t it?

God leaned His golden scepter against the windowsill and dusted off His glowing, white robes. “Luci!” God walked forward and reached out a hand. Luci ignored Him and plopped into one of the chairs in the center of the room. Ungrateful little bas –

“So, G-man…” Luci placed his hands behind his head, propped his dress shoes onto the coffee table, and flashed his yellow fangs. Mud dripped from the soles of his shoes onto the polished wood. At least, God hoped that was mud. You never knew with Luci. “It’s been a while since you last called me up to your office. Am I in trouble?” He placed a finger up to his bottom lip. “Have I been a bad boy?”

God narrowed His eyes. He seriously considered turning His fiery gaze into a literal beam of death. That would teach this fool not to speak out of turn. But God needed this devil’s help whether He liked it or not. Besides, knowing Luci, he’d enjoy being engulfed in flames.

God took the seat opposite Luci and pressed His hands together. “Listen, Luci. Let’s cut the chit-chat. We both know I have a problem that needs solving.”

“Oh, I love this!” Luci practically bounced in his seat. Scratch that. He was bouncing in his seat. “You haven’t asked me for any favors since we tortured that Job fellow. How is he doing by the way?”

God winced, thinking about the smoldering pile of ash He’d made from Job earlier this week. He shook His head. “Never mind him. Let’s talk about our – situation.”

“Our situation?” Luci reeled backward, feigning concern. “Last I checked, Hell was doing just fine. Our lava rivers are filled to capacity with screaming souls. How are your chocolate rivers doing again?”

God clicked His tongue. “The chocolate rivers are our number one attraction, and you know it.” He waved a dismissive hand. “Regardless, against my better judgement – which is infinite and all knowing I might add – I have decided to afford you the privilege of helping me fix our…occupancy issue.”

“How benevolent of you…” Luci returned God’s stern expression with a flat look. “So…what? Want me to give you a few of my people?” He threw a thumb behind him. “You can have that German guy back. He’s insufferable. Even when I’m peeling his skin, he’ll just go on and on about the –”

“No, I don’t want any of your damaged goods.” God stood, placing hands behind His back. “I need you to stop corrupting my children down on Earth.”

“What!?” Luci sounded genuinely offended. His lackadaisical attitude turned serious and hostile. “I’ve been doing the same thing I always do.” He tapped a finger against his creased pantleg. “I let them do their business uninterrupted. I haven’t even been to Earth since I asked that friend of your son’s to…well, you know.” He rubbed his lower back. “I’m still recovering from the locust swarm you had attack me after that.”

“Really?” God crossed His arms, peering down at the lying worm in front of Him. “That whole Internet business was a clever trick; I’ll give you that. But we both know it had your fingerprints all over it. This needs to stop.”

“First.” Luci stood, staring defiantly into God’s unblinking eyes. “I wish I had come up with that one. That was all your ‘children’s’ doing. They invented guns and bombs and boy bands just fine without me.” He held up one finger on each hand – both the middle fingers. “Second. I don’t think your problem has anything to do with me. I think this is all your fault.”

“Excuse me!?” God shook the building with His howling breath. He grew until He towered over this sniveling little demon.

Luci did not move an inch. He was just asking for the locust swarm now. “Listen.” Luci held up his hands to signal he meant no harm. God wasn’t buying it. “I honestly want to help you. So let me explain what the problem is…” He rubbed the back of his head. “Some of the people I’ve got down below don’t deserve to be there, G-man. I think your rules for getting up here need fixing.”

“Huh?” God shrank back to His normal – awe-inspiring – size. “What do you mean?”

“You’re too strict!” Luci threw up his hands. “Every time someone reaches those pearly gates, they’ve gotta be a saint or they’re…” He slashed a finger across his neck.

“Who put you up to this? Has Peter been talking about me behind my back again?” God shook His head. “I swear, he’s one more sassy comment away from eternal damnation!”

“See!” Luci thrust his hands forward. “This is my point. Peter is literally a saint! And you’re thinking of dropping him at my doorstep? Now, don’t get me wrong, I’d love to tear the limbs off that boob, but don’t you think you’re being a bit harsh?”

“Name one time I was too harsh.” God challenged Luci. God never lost a challenge to this idiot.

“I’m glad you asked.” Luci snapped his fingers, and a puff of smoke materialized in front of him. From the smoke, a massive scroll unfurled from within Luci’s hands down to the floor…and out the window…and across the length of the city…and over the flowerbed mountains…and into the chocolate river. Luci licked his finger and began reading. “Jennifer Olis.”

God’s mouth formed into a line. “That’s your example? She skipped tithe in 1930.”

“One time!” Veins bulged in Luci’s neck. “And she’d just lost her job. Not sure if you noticed, but there wasn’t a lot of money going around that winter.”

“She could’ve given a loaf of bread to the needy.”

“She was the needy one! Everyone in her town was the damned needy one!”

God considered for a moment. Could He have been wrong? No, that was impossible. Completely impossible. “Try another.”

“Peter Hilder.”

“Stole from his neighbor. That’s like rule number eight or something…”

“He borrowed a mower and gave it right back.”

“He didn’t ask for permission. Next.”

“Eileen Phuc.”

“Eww, a Protestant?”

“Gary Garyson.”

“Come on! That name alone was enough.”

“Gertrude Fivel.”

God paused. He walked over to Luci and read over the devil’s shoulder. He sucked in air. “Okay, you know what: that one might have been my bad. What was her crime again?”

“Going 36 in a 35.”

“Oh, that’s right!” God snapped His fingers. “Yeah, totally deserved never-ending darkness.”

Luci dropped the scroll to place hands on hips. “Are you serious? Is no one good enough for you?”

God scratched His chiseled jawline. “Well, there was that priest…wait, no. Don’t get me started on that one.”

Luci tapped his muddy shoes against the tile floor. “Fine, then explain to me: what is required to get into Heaven?”

God shrugged. “Simple. Be devout in your worship of me and be a good person.” How did Luci not understand this?

“That’s it?” Luci sounded incredulous. God opened His mouth to speak, but Luci interrupted. “If devotion is all you need, then what about those people who knock on doors for you all day? They’re super devout.”

“Ugh. Too desperate.” God held up His hands. “It’s like ‘we get it.’ You want me to love you. Get over yourselves. Besides, they’ve worn white after Labor Day for three decades running.”

Luci buried his face in his hands and screamed. After a minute of that, he lifted his head and let out a deep breath. “Whatever. How about being a good person, then? There was that piano player in the casino. He donated millions to charity.”

“Come on.” God lowered His head and glanced upward at Luci’s frowning face. “We both know why he didn’t make it in. Besides, the only charity work he did was give his boyfriend a –”

“Say no more!” Luci waved his hands in the air. “Then, let’s pick someone perfect for you. Someone devout and good. Like that guy who starved for months to help free his people. He was as devout as they came and kind to a fault. Why is he sharing a cell with the crazy German?”

“Him? Please. He wasn’t baptized.”

“You’re impossible!” Luci turned to walk toward the door.

“What!?” God followed. “My hands were tied. I don’t make the rules you know.”

Luci twisted to face God. The devil’s eyes were replaced with fire. “You literally make the rules!”

God huffed. What was Luci getting so worked up about? This was the last time God asked him for any favors. “You’re being hysterical. You haven’t been this bad since the soccer team fiasco.”

“You smote their plane, and they were forced to eat each other!” Luci’s foot exploded out of his shoe, and a hoof stamped onto the floor.

God rolled His eyes. Dramatic much? “Yeah, and one of them used my name in vain when he stubbed his toe boarding. What kind of message would I be sending if I didn’t smite him?”

Luci took several, rapid breaths. He pinched between his brows. “Why do I even bother with you? If you won’t change, that’s fine with me. I’ll keep rending flesh down below.” He pointed out the window. “And you can keep being sad and alone up here.”

God looked out the window too. Screw Him, it was pretty lonely up here. What was the point in Heaven if you had no one to share it with? He turned back to face Luci. “Lucifer, you’re right. I do need to make a change.” God’s tone turned somber. He hung His head in shame. What had He become? No one was above the rules. Not even the man who created them.

“You’re serious?” Luci cocked his head. “You’re actually agreeing with me?”

“Well, you don’t have to sound so broken up about it.” God laughed. “I am God! If man can improve himself, I can do the same.” He held His head up high. “I can’t change everything all at once, but I will budge in certain areas.” He nodded. “I’ve got it. From this day forth: women are allowed into Heaven again.” He continued to nod, feeling extremely self-satisfied with His growth.

Luci stared blankly at God, his jaw hanging loose. Had He said something wrong? “You haven’t been letting women into Heaven?” Luci asked.

“Of course! Have you seen what they’ve been doing with those pills? I think my ex had something to do with it. She’s never forgiven me for that whole immaculate conception debacle. And Carol’s been riding my ass about it ever since she came here from her cave all those millennia ago.” God chuckled to himself. “She’ll be happy after I tell Peter to change the rules. I don’t like giving her the satisfaction, but I’ve gotta do what I’ve gotta do.” He puffed out his chest. “You know what my children say: Desperate times call for desperate remedies.”

Luci said nothing. His eyes glazed over, he turned, and walked out of the room. He slammed the door behind him. Muffled behind the mahogany, God heard “that’s not even the saying, you imbecile!” as Luci stormed away.

God smiled. Luci thought he could just walk away? If God willed it, he’d be back. No one could stop Him. Any second now, Luci would walk right back through that door and grovel at His feet. Any second now. Any second now…

God threw up His hands. “I can’t believe that jerk!” He pressed the button on His intercom. “Carol, get me my locusts!”