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Fiction Funny Speculative

“I’ve given this some serious thought.”

“The Dinner?”

“No.”

“What are you talking about then? You can’t just start a conversation like that.”

“I am, so I can. Besides, we’ve been here for hours and we’ve been talking.”

“But we weren’t talking just now. Never mind, what are you talking about?”

“I think I'm gonna go full pirate.”

“I’m afraid you’ve lost me.”

“Full pirate. I’m gonna blast Ride of the Valkyries from my minivan, paint the hood with a jolly roger, and end every sentence by saying ARRRR…ARRRR.”

“Full pirate.”

“Uh huh, ARRRR.”

“...”

“Can I get you two anything?”

“No…arrrr.”

“Actually, can I have another coffee?”

“Sure, honey.”

“Thanks, Carla.”

“You have a crush on Carla, ARRRR.”

“She’s like 70.”

“Ageist, ARRRR.”

“Whatever, so are we going to work on this or what?”

“Uh, fine, ARRRR.”

“So who’s first?”

“Jesus, ARRRR.”

“Jesus? That’s not very creative. I mean for a full pirate and all.”

“ARRR, I said Jesus, ARRRR.”

“Okay, one Jesus coming up.”

“Hey, wait a second. Is he Black?”

“He’s Black, you didn’t say ARRRR.”

“ARRRR…you sure about this?”

“Well, scholars and science and stuff say this is what he probably looked like.”

Well actually, I think he’s supposed to be like, middle eastern, ARRR.”

“Okay, my source might have been a Paul Simon song. And maybe that line was about Joseph. Anyway, he definitely wasn’t white.”

“Uh huh, I was, uh, thinking of like, um, usual Jesus? The white one that’s in all those conservative paintings where he’s, like, blessing the Constitution or whatever, arrrr?”

“Really?”

“Well, yeah, I thought that would be interesting.”

“Here’s your coffee, hon.”

“Thanks.”

“Do you need more creamer?”

“No, I take mine black.”

“Alright, well, let me know if you need anything?”

“Thanks.”

“I take mine black? Ha ha. Can you draw me white people Jesus?”

“I’ll do one of each. Black, brown, and white. Representation is important.”

“Multiple Jesuses? Jesi?”

“Jesi, definitely Jesi.”

“Multiple Jesi?”

“Mm hmm. It’s probably more interesting than real Jesus, or boring, white Jesus alone.” 

“But that’s three people.”

“Maybe? Maybe it’s three aspects of one person. I guess we’ll find out.”

“Isn’t this my deal?”

“Not entirely, not if you want me to draw it.”

“Fine. But doesn’t it kinda sound too much like a joke? Three Jesi walk into a bar, er, diner?”

“I mean, it could definitely go that way.”

“I feel like we need to take this more seriously.”

“You’re the one that chose the setting to be a diner.”

“Well, we were already here. I figured that would make it easier to draw.”

“Yeah, it does a bit. Listen, I think this will go better if you A-ha.”

“A-ha?”

“Uh huh.”

“Like have an idea?”

“No, like the video, where the dude goes into the drawing with the murderous jockey.”

“Murderous jockey?”

“Yeah.”

“Those were bikers.”

“Really? I always thought they were just tiny jockeys, like the ones who ride race horses.”

“Dude, did you even watch that video?”

“More or less. Anyway, you should A-ha.”

“You want me…to go into your drawing?”

“I don’t see why not.”

“That’s not a thing I can do.”

“We’re resurrecting multiple Jesi. I don’t see why you can’t A-ha. Use the power of imagination or whatever.”

“Ewwkay.”

“Wait.”

“Yes.”

“Before you go, I just want to say…”

“Yes?”

“I’m glad you dropped the pirate thing.”

“I hate you, ARRR.”

“There we go.”

“Okay, here goes nothing. A-ha-ing in five, four, three, two…”

“Hello?”

“Shlama Alakhon?”

“Shlama Alakhon?”

“Oh. My. God.”

“Don’t take my dad’s name in vain.”

“Sorry, uh, I just, wow. I can’t believe that worked.”

“What is this place?”

“It’s a diner.”

“[Something in Aramiac]”

“[Something in Aramiac]”

“Hold on. Can you hear me or whatever?”

“YES.”

“Jesus Chri—”

Ahem.”

“Sorry, uh, criminy? Do you have to yell?”

“I didn’t yell at you.”

“[Something in Aramiac]”

“[Something in Aramiac]”

“I’M NOT YELLING. I’M NARRATING.”

“Excuse me? Jesus, do you hear this?”

“Hear what?”

“So I’m the only one that hears the narration, AKA yelling, apparently.”

“Are you unwell my child?”

“THAT’S NEAT.”

“I guess.”

“Shall I lay my hands upon you, my child?”

“Um, no, thanks. I’m fine, I wasn’t actually talking to you.”

“Ooh, is it my dad?”

“No, it’s just my friend.”

“[Something in Aramiac]”

“[Something in Aramiac]”

“OMG, JESUS THOUGHT I WAS GOD.”

“I’m very happy for you. Listen, Black and Brown Jesus don’t speak English.”

“Black and Brown Jesus? This is blasphemy. I am the one true—”

“Cool it, Jesus.”

“Excuse me?”

“OF COURSE THEY DON’T.”

“Can you fix that or something?”

“LET ME TRY SOMETHING.”

“And can you stop yelling?”

“I’M NOT YELLING. I’M NARRATING.”

“Well, your narrating is extremely loud. Can you just, I don’t know, narrate quieter?”

“Are you certain you are well, my child? Mentally?”

“Yes, gimme a minute, Jesus.”

“[Something in Aramiac]”

“[Something in Aramiac]”

“IT’S PROBABLY BECAUSE IT IS ALL CAPS. COMICS ARE USUALLY IN ALL CAPS.”

“Can you just not?”

“NO, I STAY WITH THE FORM. TRY TALKING TO THEM NOW.”

“Hello?”

“[Ah, hello! What is going on?]”

“[Ah, hello! What is going on?]”

“[Sorry, he keeps repeating me.]”

“[Sorry, he keeps repeating me.]”

“We’re in, uh, a diner.””

“[Diner?]”

“[Diner?]”

“It’s a place that serves food.”

“BAD FOOD.”

Very good food. And you are saying the same thing because you are the same person, basically. Nice to meet you, Jesus and Jesus.”

“[It is nice to meet you.]”

“[It is nice to meet you.]”

“This is blasphemy.”

“Jesus.”

“[Yes?]”

“[Yes?]”

“What.”

“Sorry, just White Jesus. Listen man, you can’t be racist, you’re Jesus.”

“Racist? I’m not racist.”

“OMG. YOU JUST CALLED JESUS RACIST.”

“Well, why can’t these guys be Jesus then?”

“I’m not racist, it’s just that they can’t be Jesus because I’m Jesus.”

“Uh huh. So, here’s the thing. It’s the twenty-first century and we don’t really know a ton about Jesus. But the other Jesi—”

Jesi?”

“Yeah, these guys. We decided that Jesi is the plural form of Jesus. Anyway, the other Jesi are probably more accurate representations of…you, historically speaking.”

“Blasphemy.”

“[I’m not following].”

“[I’m not following].”

“Can we get rid of one of the Jesi? It’s getting a bit much.”

“BUT WHAT ABOUT REPRESENTATION?”

“Get rid of a Jesus? ”

“[Wait, what?]”

“[Wait, what?]”

“Your blasphemy knows no ends.”

“Pick a lane, is it blasphemy to have other Jesi or to get rid of them?”

“Both.”

“So I can’t win. That sounds right.” 

“[I think I speak for both of us when I say we are fine with both existing.]”

“[Indeed.]”

“It’s just, they’re basically exactly the same except for skin color.”

“SOUNDS LIKE YOU’VE LEARNED A VALUABLE LESSON.”

“Uh huh, but really. They mostly just say the same thing at the same time. It’s not adding a lot.”

“FINE.”

“Ahhh! Where did Jesus go!?”

“[Where did he go!?]”

“So you admit that he is Jesus!”

“[Witchcraft!]”

“Devilry! I admit nothing except that you are a serpent.”

“Look, can we all just sit down, get a table, talk? There is a booth seat over here.”

“I will not sit with a devil.”

“[What happened to him?]”

“Let’s just sit and I’ll explain everything. Well, maybe not everything, but like 30 to 50 percent of everything. I’ll explain enough.”

“[I will sit with you and talk, if you agree not to work anymore wickedness.]”

“Sure, no, definitely no wickedness.”

“You are a serpent.”

“Fine, suit yourself, I’ll go sit with real Jesus and talk. He’s clearly the forgiving and understanding one.”

“I will sit with you as well.”

“HA HA HA. YOU LAWYERED WHITE JESUS. GOLDEN.”

“Just slide into the booth and we can talk. I’ll go in the middle.”

“No, I want the middle.”

“Of course you do, sorry. I was trying to be nice, usually people want the outside.”

“[Can you explain this place? These happenings? Where did the other Jesus go?]”

“Don’t worry, other Jesus wasn’t real.”

“[What?]”

“How dare you!?”

“Honestly, man, you are all over the place. Anyway, I mean, he was real, but he’s not now, that Jesus wasn’t the Jesus.”

“I—”

“Can I get you three anything?”

“Carla?”

“Yes?”

“What is Carla doing here?”

“I work here.”

“WHO ELSE WOULD BRING THE FOOD?”

“But there’s only supposed to be five other people and two are already Jesus and now Carla?”

“Look kid, I’m not thrilled to be here either. But if you aren’t ready, I can go have a cigarette and come back.”

“No, sorry, Carla. Look, um, we’ll have a french toast, the farmer’s platter, huevos rancheros, and coffees all around.”

“SOUNDS MORE LIKE BREAKFAST.”

“No huevos rancheros today.”

“What? We are in a fictional environment, how can you not have huevos rancheros?”

“We just don’t.”

“I DON'T KNOW HOW TO DRAW HUEVOS RANCHEROS. SORRY.”

“Ugh, whatever. Scrambled egg plate with bacon then. Will that work?”

“Whatever you want.”

“YES.”

“Okay, Jesus, Jesus.”

“Yes?”

“[Yes?]”

“We’re just supposed to talk. Also, I have to invite…two more people? I don’t know. I’m a bit confused myself on this because there should be five but we have two Jesi and a waitress and I’m not sure if that counts as one, two, or three people.”

“CARLA IS A PERSON, SHE COUNTS.”

“Are you speaking in tongues?”

“[Please, explain to us what is going on.]”

“Okay, so, we are in a comic book. It’s like a story, with pictures. And we’re just supposed to like, talk and have a conversation and see what happens. I mean, you two are both Jesus, that ought to be interesting enough for several pages of panels.”

“[Panels?]”

“Your mind is unwell. I shall lay my hands upon you and cure you of this madness.”

“No, White Jesus, I’m good. Really. Okay, so I need two or three more people depending on if you guys count as one or not.”

“I am my own.”

“[I agree with White Jesus.]”

“Please stop calling me White Jesus, I am Jesus. Just Jesus.”

“[That seems confusing.]”

“Well, that’s hardly my fault.”

“Sorry man, I think we have to call you White Jesus for clarity.”

“Do you know who my Dad is?”

“[Joseph?]”

“WHITE JESUS IS A KAREN!”

“Technically, aren’t you kinda your Dad?”

“Technically, yes. Because of the whole Trinity thing.”

“I never understood that.”

“[Trinity?]”

“Yes, the father, the son, and the holy spirit.”

“[Come again?]”

“You know. God, Jesus, and…the Holy Spirit.”

“[What are you talking about?]”

“Here’s your plates, who gets what?”

“Ummm, anybody have any preferences?”

“[Is that pork?]”

“Bacon, shit, yeah, I’m sorry. I forgot you were Jewish for a second there-there’s kind of a lot going on. Why don’t you take the French toast?”

“[Okay.]”

“Uh, both the other plates have bacon. Sorry, White Jesus.”

“It’s fine.”

“Really?”

“Yeah, Jesus eraser, are you going to judge me?”

“Whatever, he’ll take the farmer’s platter.”

“I want the other one.”

“Fine, I’ll have the platter.”

“Here you go. Let me know if you need anything else. Coffee’s on the way.”

“[This is delicious.]”

“This is out of control. We don’t have all the people and the biggest takeaway so far is that Jesus likes French toast.”

“AND WE ARE RUNNING OUT OF PAPER.”

“Son of a—okay, I need more people here. Ummm, how about Stephen Hawking?”

“OKAY.”

“Hello,—how—is—everyone—today?”

“Holy crap, Stephen Hawking. You must be confused, let me explain.”

“No,—it’s—fine.—Dinner—party—question,—right?—I—have—been—to—hundreds—of—these.”

“What?”

“It—happens—all—the—time.—Two—Jesi,—nice.”

“Here’re your coffees, are you going to want another one for Dr. Hawking?”

“You know Stephen Hawking?”

“I’m a waitress, not an idiot.”

“BURN.”

“Right, sorry. Yeah, just bring a bunch of coffees. And like, I don’t know, three more breakfasts. Whatever is easy to draw.”

“THANK YOU.”

“He looks hurt, shall I lay my hands upon him?”

“Uhhhh,”

“[Why does he want to lay his hands on everyone?]”

“That’s a really good question.”

“Please,—I’m—fine—as—I—am.”

“I just want to help.”

“But like, maybe wait until someone asks. What’s that all about?”

“I don’t know, it was like, my job to save the world. That’s what my dad wanted me to do.”

“He—has—father—issues.—I’ve—met—lots—of—Jesi.”

“[Joseph was a good man.]”

“Of course I have father issues! My father literally sent me to die. That leads to a complicated relationship. Especially when you are also kind of the same person.”

“Again, I never got that.”

“[He’s his own father? Did he marry his own mother? I would never do that. He is a bad Jesus.]”

“Blasphemy!”

“Always the blasphemy with you. You know what? Daddy issues sounds like we need…Freud!”

“COMING RIGHT UP.”

“Freud—was—a—bad—scientist.”

“Huuullo? Vat ave ve here?”

“It’s supposed to be a dinner party, but it’s kind of just a mess.”

“All zings are ze manifestations of our inner world. Zo, your dinner paaty iz ze mess because you are ze mess.”

“Ouch.”

“HA HA HA. FREUD NAILED YOU.”

“No, I called you here for Jesus. White Jesus, I mean. He’s got Daddy issues.”

“Blasphemy! Also, yes.”

“[So his father is definitely not Joseph.]”

“Nah, he had the whole immaculate conception thing. His dad is God, but they are also the same. Trinity stuff. I don’t know.”

“[Immaculate conception?]”

“Uh huh.”

“[So he didn’t marry his mother?]”

“No.”

“Deep down ve all vant to marry our muzzers.”

“Ew.”

“[He is a bad man.]”

“I—tried—to—tell—you—he—was—a—bad—scientist.”

“Okay, I’ve got two more breakfast platters—”

“OH MY GOD! What happened to Stephen Hawking!?”

“I’M SO SORRY! I SPILLED MY COFFEEE ON THE PAPER.”

“It—burns.—It—burns.”

“I’ll lay my hands on him!”

“Reprezzed homozexuality.”

“You know what? I’m just gonna have my cigarette break.”

“Well, now I don’t want to lay my hands on him.”

“It—burns.”

“Jesus! What is the matter with you? You’ve been dying to heal people all day. Now you won’t because Freud says it’s gay?”

“YOU WANTED CONSERVATIVE JESUS, REMEMBER?”

“Maybe.”

“A, Freud doesn’t know what he’s talking about. He’s literally an idiot that I brought here as a joke. No one believes his crackpot BS now. B, there’s nothing wrong with being gay, it’s the twenty twenties, get with it.”

“Really?”

“Oh,—how—it—burns.—Save—me—White—Jesus.”

“Yes.”

“Okay, hands on.”

“Zat vas very hurtful.”

“Well, I don’t know, don’t do a bunch of coke and then use super-crazy people to model all of psychology on.”

“Thank—you,—White—Jesus.”

“[I want to go home.]”

“Vell, you ave me zere. I might ave said I sabotaged myzelf, but vat do I know?”

“Like practically nothing. Thanks, White Jesus. Stephen, are you okay?”

“I—feel—fine—now.—Thank—you.—This—is—a—weird—dinner—party.—And—I—have—been—to—a—dinner—party—with—Hitler—and—Gandhi."

“Yeah, sorry. It’s all a bit of a mess and I shouldn’t have left this to the last minute. Or let my friend help me!”

“WHATEVER. YOU LOVE ME.”

“At—least—you—thought—to—have—a—waitress.—Sometimes—we—sit—forever—at— these—things.”

“I TOLD YOU CARLA WAS A GOOD IDEA.”

“Ugh, fine. How many pages do we have left? We’ve barely gotten a chance to talk about anything real.”

“WE HAVE TWO PAGES LEFT. SORRY. I SHOULD HAVE BROUGHT MORE, BUT THE COFFEE GOT A LOT OF IT. MY BAD.”

“Okay, we have Jesus, White Jesus, Carla, Stephen Hawking, and Sigmund Freud. At least that is five. So at least I’ll have that part of the assignment.”

“ONLY IF THE JESI COUNT SEPARATELY."

“[I wish to go, this place and these people are strange. White Jesus makes me uncomfortable.]”

“Right. Yeah, me too, kinda.”

“[Want to go home or uncomfortable with White Jesus?]”

“Yes.”

“Blasphemy!”

“Okay, we’ve got to wrap this up. Anyone have anything profound to say?”

“I HAVE AN IDEA. AND IT’LL HELP IN CASE THE JESI DON’T COUNT AS TWO PEOPLE.”

“No, don’t.”

“TOO LATE.”

“Who iz zis lezzer clad man!?”

“Murderous biker!? Everybody run!”

“Not—cool.”

“NAILED IT.”



December 13, 2024 09:49

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1 comment

S. L. Potts
12:08 Dec 13, 2024

Sorry about the blasphemousness of it all.

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