Here I Sit in the dark silent in the cornor

Here I sit in the dark, silent in a corner of my bedroom, curled up into a ball. I’ve been crying most of the night, have no tears left, and I live alone. Since March of this year, I’m furloughed from my job at school, with uncertainty when I will work once again living on a minimal income of a small pension from my job I worked for twenty years. Since I had to retire because of health, I needed to take my retirement benefit early so less than if I could have waited. The part-time job helped with the budget. Now I’m just going to keep my nose above water. I guess I am a little more fortunate than others in what they call the new normal. There has been nothing normal since March. I enjoyed taking day trips during the summer with the event closed. I’m stuck at home. Recently I had to cash in that dusty penny jar hiding in the room’s corner so I could do my laundry. My profession was nursing and always thought I would always have a job, but I had a seizure in a toy store while getting my niece a birthday present diagnosed with epilepsy causing short-term memory loss. It was no longer safe for me to work in my given profession.

I have been applying to positions I never thought of; I have no retail experience with memory loss. Working as a cashier would be a challenge. When I was in my prime as a nurse I could lift patients in and out of bed I guess I could lift about 130 plus people now I’m barely getting the shopping cart up the stairs. Some supermarkets are asking if I could lift a maximum of fifty pounds. I had foot surgery about four years ago. My sister would come to my apartment to bring coffee when I could get around. We continued the weekly coffee afternoon after church for an hour to catch up on family gossip or arrange holiday plans since March. That coffee shop can not have in-store settings, so no Sunday coffee hour. 

Many of my friends are at high risk of getting this virus so most of my social interaction is via computer video is something but just not enough. I was working with children that either we those who needed a bit of extra help to stay on the task they would often ask for a hug when they stayed on a task I’ve missed that one-on-one interaction or high fives for other students when that little light bulb goes off that they could finally understand of the lesson or receive a good grade on a hard test.

We are social animals; we need some physical contact just as simple as a hug a high five now it is an elbow bump or an air high five. I am an avid Television junky; I passed the humanities CLEP test based on sixties television. I’ve gotten to the point to put on the weather channel or reruns of old movies just to have some background noise of someone talking. I stopped watching the news as I got more upset, wondering what was going on. This county has had many disasters, both man-made or that from nature we always came together, dropping everything to go to the affected area. Today people are having temper tantrums like a little child. Some try to claim it’s their right not to wear masks or social distance to go to enormous parties. I think it’s an American thing when seat belts become required in cars. People had complained then having to use them once again complained now the use of seat belt and shoulder harness has saved people’s lives in head-on collisions. It’s become a non-issue. The government has required us to follow many things we once complained about using helmets when on a bike or motorcycle. From the beginning of this pandemic, those in authority planted the idea it was a hoax then the lemmings, which means not thinking for yourself and blindly following someone else in what they do or say without question. followed the leader disregarding what they see with their own eyes so what then causes the deaths of one hundred eight thousand three hundred seven hundred people were they beamed up by space aliens oh right some fringe group has claimed aliens spread here this virus.

Wonder why I feel powerless. How does a person fall for this? I believe it is part local of the social interaction when everything had to shut down. It was so sudden it was like being stuck in an episode of the twilight zone. It tore the band-aided racial divide and the lack of medical care in some areas then overtaxed hospitals. This county has experienced nothing like this. There is no playbook or history to guide us. I forgot we had a plan, but those in power ignored the report that would end quickly in the summer. It's September, and it is still alive and well.  

Some days I can’t get up and function just to the bathroom and make coffee, often not hungry, then zone out in front of the television. It takes all my energy to take a shower dress and go to the store to do my laundry mainly when it’s an absolute need like running out of clean underwear.

I have something to lean on is my faith and the faith community which I worship. We still don’t hold in-person services; many of our elders are in the very high-risk group to the virus effect, so we use a computer video.

I pray, read from scripture. I know this pedantic will fade over sometime when it is only known to God. In the meantime, I have a roof over my head, food in the refrigerator. No one in my family or friends has been ill. 

I may feel powerless at the moment, but with hope and faith, I feel secure. 

Let me get up and make dinner spaghetti sounds good.