A New Dawn

I stood in complete awe before the divine lake and raised my hands to the sky. The sight of its majestic waters washed away all the anger, envy and arrogance that had been the basis of my thoughts and actions all my life. Completely humbled by the mighty mountains behind the lake, I promised myself three things. I will not judge anyone and will not hold a grudge against anyone. I will say sorry to all those I might have hurt intentionally or unintentionally. I will delete the word ‘I’ from my vocabulary.  Today was the day I was going to begin this resolution.

I decided to wake up and greet the dawn as a new person. I sat cross-legged watching the sky turn pink to the sound of chants. I fixed my gaze on a tree and listened to the sound of birds until the sun appeared from behind the tree and bowed my head. Early walkers shouting greetings at one another shook me out of my semi-awake state. The spell broke and my mind began to wander once again. I noticed a domestic helper nudging her friend and muttering something under her breath. They walked past the gardener watering the plants and smiled at him shyly. I recognized the young woman from her hand me down outfit. I had run into her the previous day sitting on the culvert with a young man as I left early for work to avoid the peak hour rush. I also remembered crossing the walkers as they waddled or swayed back home.  As I appeared in their line of vision, they had stopped mid-sentence and resumed their chat when I was out of earshot. They were my neighbours and slipped out of home together at the same hour mainly to catch up on the latest gossip and, in the case of some, to get away from the live in mother-in-law for an hour.  Unaware that I could hear every word they said from my window, they continued to talk about a certain person who had defaulted on the contribution towards a community Puja held to celebrate the spring.

I shut the sounds echoing through the French window and retreated to the calm of the living room. But the world with all its problems seeped in through the gap between the windows and the wall. The doorbell shrieked to suck me back in the quotidian routine. Bela walked in wordlessly ignoring my finger pointing to the clock, hung her chunni on the doorknob and placed her cell phone on the windowsill and began to wash the dishes noisily. This was her way of avoiding any argument about reporting late to work and the speed and force with which she handled the dishes told me that she had had yet another fight with her husband. “My child was sick and wouldn’t let me leave”, she offered by way of explanation as she always did.   Since I had promised not to be judgemental, I decided to take her words at face value and offered her advice on what needed to be done. Until her friend popped in an hour or so later to ask her if she was done and whispered to me, “He beat her again last night”. I felt sorry for the young woman. But I was going to be late to work once again thanks to her abusive husband and some items of bone china had been made to bear the brunt of her pent up anger. Torn between sympathy and irritation, I gruffly gestured to Bela to leave the rest of the chores and got into my car. I was fifteen minutes late for my meeting and extremely annoyed by the drama in Bela’s home.

Organizational meetings are a show of democratic functioning. In reality, they are a civilised way of a dominant core group or individuals browbeating others into accepting decisions they have made in pre-meetings. But I told myself that I am going to go there with an open mind. Arriving late, I had no option of choosing the seating and I squeezed myself to reach the only available chair.  I guessed from the way people were seated, the direction in which they gazed or leaned who was going to support whom. Raja sat at the head of the table and summarized the recommendations of the higher authorities before inviting for everyone’s opinion. Everyone was polite to the core. Prithvi the trouble-shooter pointed out the problems in implementing the recommendations. He glanced in Surya’s direction who nodded in agreement listing the problems in detail. Suparna, the new recruit, darted her kohl lined eyes from left to right and right to left to guess which side of the bread was buttered and make a considered choice. Arghya, the other new appointee, smiled graciously at the seniors who mattered and proceeded to give his opinion based on his considerable experience. Mr Pandey threw back his bald head and yawned because he was part of the pre-meeting where the chosen had already made a decision. Gajanan tried to look understanding and refrained from speaking. Prem spoke last as he always did when he was specifically asked to give his opinion in a measured tone expressing his full confidence in the authorities. I caught myself smiling sarcastically as I guessed that the recommendations had been prepared in consultation with him. Satisfied that they had been involved in the decision-making, the members chose to walk out with those they would have post-meetings. What right did I have to look so supercilious? They were all following the rules of the games of our profession.

I was the only one who walked out alone and stopped for a chat when I saw Karuna waving and smiling at me. I knew I had made a mistake as soon as I sat down and caught her recomposing her face to match Buddha’s compassionate mien. But she was a worshipper of the dark goddess Kali and was even rumoured to indulge in tantric practices against her enemies. Kali had appeared to her in a dream the night before and specifically told her not to be a party to an unjust decision, she began puckering her mouth self-righteously. I then remembered her slipping out just when the resolution was being passed around for signatures saying she was feeling very unwell. I steeled myself for an hour long discourse on the futility of professional achievement, material wealth and self-centred actions. She was going to devote herself completely to finding out the real meaning of existence. She spent most of her free time practicing yoga and meditation. The professional world held no attraction for her. But her health problems and loans prevented her from retreating to the holy city. I nodded with a straight face knowing that she had been systematically completing all the requirements in the eligibility criteria for the next round of promotions. Mutual friends had informed me that she was rooting for the Vice President’s position. Karuna, you are not made for this, the goddess told me, she repeated raising her eyes upwards. At this point, I lost my patience and excused myself saying I had an appointment in a couple of minutes.  Even as I made my escape, I had a nagging feeling that I was ignoring messages that were being sent my way through her. My cynicism and scepticism about the gap between people’s words and actions had made me judge her harshly. Maybe this conversation was nudging me to take stock of my own priorities.

This was certainly not my day. There was a mail waiting in my mailbox by a young man I had mentored, recommended to the higher ups and praised to outsiders. Anirban had not been able to deliver the task assigned to him by the deadline and had not responded to my messages or phonecalls. I had been forced to delegate the responsibility to his junior as I had to report to my own bosses. I was aware that he had been sending out his cv to other organizations. One of them had called me for a confidential reference and I had given an honest assessment. I had thought of having a chat with him and ask him if he was unhappy in his current position. But instead of confronting him with the ethics of his surreptitious actions I found myself having to defend myself for a wrong I had not committed. Anirban was in an aggressive mood today and tried to cover up his own inefficiency by charging me with bypassing him in the project. The mail was written in a language that was not just unprofessional but downright insulting. I sat down and took the trouble of assuring him of my goodwill and the circumstances that called for the reallocation of work. But instead of being gracious he came up with another set of baseless allegations. I had a good mind to call up the Head-hunter who had sought my opinion but changed my mind. I could not harm a young man’s career merely because of his immature outburst. Let them find out on their own.

This is the moment she chose to bounce in on layers of perfumed casuals. Her face was carefully made up. Her hair was arranged in soft curls around her fine face. She swallowed and pressed her thin lips together. I prepared myself for what was coming. It was her friend’s bridal shower and she had to be there. Could she take a few days and combine it with the long weekend? Yes of course, you can but complete the report before you leave, I agreed. Then came the string of excuses followed by requests for extensions. This was a habit that Nina could never kick. Flighty and flirtatious by nature, she found it very difficult to focus her attention on anything for long. Her mind would it be elsewhere with the friends partying outside. I heard the SMS even as she spoke to me probably from her friends who were waiting for her join them for lunch. She had not even begin the report she admitted. But she would be able to complete it as soon as she got back and have it ready before the next meeting. She had asked a friend to analyze the data and hoped to have it by the time she was back. I remembered the last time when a similar promise had been made and Nina had reported sick on resuming duty. She produced a medical certificate to ensure that she will not be reprimanded. I braced myself for preparing the report because I was certain that it could be done within the three days. My face turned stern and tone hard. But I saw the wistfulness in her expression and had to let her go.  I packed my bag and followed her out of the room.

I noticed things on my way back home that I had never noticed before. I caught the sun about to call it a day. My heart went out to the street children pushing flowers through car windows and the daily wage workers cycling back home through the crazy line up of automobiles. The gardener was watering the plants below. The flowers were in full bloom. Roses in all colours, crimson, yellow, orange and pink. Dahlias and sunflowers, marigolds and shoe flowers. I stopped to admire the garden. The Spring was here. Today was the day I had done what I had set out to do despite all the initial hiccups.