God died for me a hundred times.

once, when i was 5 and my sister died in front of my eyes. attached to a metal grill, stuck in the same position for minutes. on the gray, rainy day, when it was the age of counting stars, i started counting the hardships felling on us. the electric shock, the sudden darkness in life, my light vanished and so did the God.

second, when we four had to leave school and stay at home for an unknown period of time, when my father was away, miles away. struggling to earn, struggling hard to bring us there with him in a foreign land. we waited and waited and saw the day turn in to night and the nights in to days. i had nightmares, maybe my father was a laborer or followed rich people with his files. my childhood wasted counting the best moments i had before in my life.

third, when we had to return from the land we died waiting to live in. the land where it felt like even my most bizarre dream would come true, we had freedom of youth, freedom of dreaming and freedom of living normally. my hands are the witness of wiping all the tears and dreams escaping from my eyes the time when the pilot announced landing.

fourth, when i couldn't go to my dream college. after years i saw a gleaming ray before me dancing. i thought i could catch every single nightingale, i can go to my dream college. i can start things from the bottom all again and forget the haunting past in my brain. i can walk those classic halls and sit in front row of my class, be good student who respect her teachers. i show them the spark in me gradually increasing in to the brightest fire of youth.

fifth, when my grandfather left us although we weren't close. the absence of my paternal grandmother was grand and worst than anything, having him no more was no different. humans are bad yet humanly absence is worst, my dear. its weird to have things living longer than humans. we had one less human heart. what kind of failure.

sixth, when my favorite publisher rejected my book, left me on seen and blocked me from every where. my first novel had my heart, i tried to put my best vibes in to it, my silver lined hard work in it, my burning patience in it. my broken thoughts and love in it. my heart of glass in it. it shattered in to pieces, the moment a stranger with black eyes and hair rejected my work. i could hear the shattering of glass, i walked on those pieces back to my home.

seventh, when my mother got diagnosed with diabetics, i couldn't believe it, she spent the entire night staring at the bare ceiling asking why me? she loved eating sweets and fruits and cakes and ice creams and what not. and now suddenly she has been prohibited with it all. "how can she live like that?" i cried in the darkness of nights.

eight, when my brother failed his college exams. he sat in the corner quietly listening to my mother complain how it feels the end of everything. i never saw my brother this quiet before, as if he can not do it anymore. can not handle the pressure to be successful, study anymore. the excruciating pain in his eyes, i think i will never forget it.

ninth, when i finally fell in love with this perfectly molded human being. who sat in front of me for two weeks, without uttering a single word and watched me study and complete projects. he too did his work and in the end left a coffee, with a note of 'be happy life is short' and a smile until one day, i talked to him and we decided to visit every single museum in the country. it was a planned love, a prayed love, a wanted love, a love more than just a desire, i-want-you-here kind of love. the feeling of touching and being touched is exclusive, its indescribable. with very tracing, a new love island is made. but it didn't last long. i got a call at 12:00 am one day, my lover died in a train crash. 120 people dead and several missing. the agony inside me watched the clock until days passed by, reminding me of my childhood. my sister's death, my grandfather's death.

next day, i rushed to the hospital, searching him in room to room, from hall to hall. from doctor to doctor. but all i found was h=other hundreds of people searching for their loved ones too.

until today, god for me, took a birth for the first time. when i saw him waving at me with a fractured hand inside my favorite person, my lover. i never saw God any where except in him, except in humans. "you thought he was dead, but there he is, right in front of you on the street, smiling at you." the air whispered in my ear, in my paused body.

we hugged hard in middle of no where,

"i missed you and the God in you!" i muttered.

and suddenly, i saw my own bleeding body in middle of the buzzing street, the cars screeching to stop and the women screaming on top of their lungs. the kids crying their heart out as if mourning on my death. people gathering when they lift the coffin, people praying for my here after. and soon everything is fine and back to their routines.

sometimes, people die suffering. sometimes everything ends like that. sometimes death is way better than living. sometimes crying your heart out looks the best option. sometimes my heart get numb. sometimes i want to talk to every single human on earth and tell them how unfair my life was. sometimes i want to watch people be happy. sometimes i sit by the tree watching the passerby s.

it wasn't my fate, I inherited it all.