The Circus Is Always In Town

I can’t sleep. The rising sun leaks through my bedroom window as I toss and turn in bed. The sound of the morning birds chirping indicates the point of no return. I’ve been here before. This time it’s not due to a drug filled all nighter. Sadly, that is not the case. Rather I find myself here awake and alone with my thoughts.  

In my mind, the circus is always in town. Sometimes it’s entertaining. Sometimes it’s terrifying. However, most of the time it’s simply unmanageable, and I try my best to keep the voices at bay. Sure, that might mean using a few mind altering substances here and there, but that’s merely a protective measure. Or so I think.

The normality of everyday life has never appealed to me. I’ve worked the typical nine to five and have lived in a cookie cutter neighborhood. Going through the monotony of the motions was painstaking and I felt as if I was going to eventually drown in the pool of boredom. That being said, living as a nomad or derelict is not my intention. There are times I do feel stagnant though. It’s as if nothing can satisfy my need for excitement and something new. Reality sets in when I digest the fact that this constant feeling of discontent is nothing new. I want to break free of this mindset that cripples my behavior. Yet, like most things it is easier said than done. 

I roll out of bed and go outside to smoke a cigarette. The sun is slowly rising as I light up a Marlboro. It’s the last one in the pack and supposedly the ‘lucky one’, although I’ve never been one to believe in good fortune. Why should I? I was always told to count your blessings, but as of recently there is not much to count. The one thing I can count on at the moment is this tar filled cancer stick. Oddly, the thought of taking years off my life is soothing rather than scary. I walk down through the parking lot and into the adjacent field of grass next to my apartment. The morning dew on the leaves of grass tickle my bare feet. The flow of smoke and cold air into my lungs is strangely settling. It provides my body a respite from the overwhelming mental battles that occur minute by minute. I close my eyes and feel the wind caress my face. I wiggle my toes once more through the dewy grass. Sensory satisfaction. 

I finish the cigarette and turn to walk back to my apartment. Out of the corner of my eye, I spot a shadowy figure sitting by the trunk of a tree nearby. Normally, I would just walk back inside and ignore the sketchy individual sitting outside at 5 in the morning. Yet, I am the one smoking outside while barefoot with a t-shirt and basketball shorts at 5 in the morning. No room for judgment here. I approach the individual cautiously and as I get closer I notice the figure is a woman seemingly around my age. She’s smoking a cigarette. Go figure. 

“Can’t sleep huh?” I ask her. 

She quickly turns to me having not noticed me approaching her. 

“Jesus,” she responds as she drops the cigarette from her hand. 

“Sorry didn’t mean to scare you.” 

“It’s alright and no to answer your question. Hardly do.” 

I am surprised that I have never seen this woman before, and am pleasantly surprised to have found a fellow night owl. Well a reluctant night owl that is. I plop down into the grass in front of her. 

“Want a smoke?”, she asks while holding out her pack. 

I notice that they are menthols. 

“I’m good. Not really a fan of menthols.” 

She chuckles to herself. 

“Suit yourself,” she replies as she takes another long puff of the cigarette. 

We sit there in silence for what seems to be a few minutes. I typically don’t like to bask in the uncomfortability of silence, but I know that is my anxious nature. For once, I am enjoying it along with the company of a stranger. My curiosity then kicks in and I prod further on why she is out here. 

“So what’s keeping you up?” 

She smiles as she puts out her cigarette. 

“Just life I guess.”

“Yea I get that. Kinda funny how my favorite part of the day is sleeping because it’s a break from reality. Sad part is I barely sleep, so I have to stay in it.” 

She turns to me and tilts her head. Her face grows more serious. 

“Who says you’re not dreaming right now? That this all isn’t some elaborate simulation?” 

“Uhh…I guess I don’t know,” I reply. 

She smiles and leans closer towards me while staring into my eyes. 

“I’m just fucking with you.” 

I laugh and sigh. 

“I figured, but you had me thinking. Who's to say we aren’t?”

She looks up towards the sky and nods. 

“Touche.” 

I look up at the tree canopy and leaves rustling through the wind. The sky lightens as the sun rises in the distance. All is calm at dawn. Except the racing mind per usual. Nevertheless, this little interaction has put me at ease. 

“Aren’t you cold?”, she asks while looking at me in my t-shirt and shorts. 

I laugh. 

“I run hot, so I’m fine.” 

“Well somehow looking at you is making me colder, so I’m probably going to head in.” 

The woman gets up and brushes off dewy leaves from her sweatpants. She slowly walks by me and towards another apartment building. I nod at her and sit silently for a moment, but then feel the urge to ask her name. 

“Hey what’s your name by the way?”

She turns back to me and smiles. 

“Melissa, and you?” 

“Aaron”

“Nice to meet you Aaron. Maybe I’ll see you in the real world sometime.” 

I laugh to myself. 

“Yea maybe.” 

Melissa walks into her apartment building. I stand up and make my way back into my apartment. I walk into my apartment and plop down into bed. The typical whirlwind of thoughts has simmered down. The high tide of emotions has settled. A beam of sunlight shines through the window and hits my face. I close my eyes and smile as I slowly drift to sleep.