My Big Bang

My Bing Bang

April 25, 2020

My first day of journaling and my 48^th birthday. One would think I could spend my birthday doing other things than starting a journal. But alas, clink, cheers to myself. Living in these tumultuous times of isolation and fear of infection isolates people to spend one’s days in a variety of indoor activities. Some healthy and fun. Some not so healthy but also fun.  My birthday is kind of a letdown this year, but I’m celebrating, nevertheless. Not that turning 48 should be any whoa whoa moment, but it’s a Saturday night and I’m still alive! Instead of going out and telling people it’s my birthday, I did Zoom and Facetime! This year the only one really excited is my six-year-old daughter, Evangeline. We currently share space with my parents, albeit their space. In lieu of quarantine, I’ve decided to begin the last hours of the first days of my 48^th year focusing on me, changing my habits to enhance my options. Journaling is the road that feels most at home to me to begin my new journey! Who knows what will happen to the thoughts in my head after putting them down on paper? Will they consume me while I try and sleep or will the wind carry them away like a fallen leaf from a tree? Either way, I believe putting one’s thoughts, hopes and dreams into the universe creates some sort of a cosmic explosion, (like the big bang). Journaling will be the bridge to create the life I want to live. So, bear with me universe, while I streak through this journal, exposing my inner self for only you to see! Until tomorrow night! Happy Birthday to me 😊.

April 27, 2020

Hi journal! Sorry I missed you yesterday. I promise I will be more diligent. Yesterday I was basking in Sunday fun-day, or birthday recovery day. You pick! Anyways, again, I will make it a point to at least check in with you and say hello if I don’t have time for a chat. As far as my isolation today, so-so. I can only journal in the evening when my six-year-old daughter is in bed. Homeschooling, bike riding and endless child games occupy my days. Plus, trying to figure out what the hell to cook today seems endless!  I have to tell you, it is hard being a homeschooling, (government issued) stay-at-home mom, who doesn’t receive financial help from the other parent.  Confined to the comfortable yet basement, in the residence of my refusing to isolate 75-year-old parents just travelling back from Florida, after three blissful months of basking in a sense of self independence. Mine not theirs. I shouldn’t let me, or other people make me feel ashamed for moving back to my parents in my 40’s, with my three-year-old daughter, after the split with her father. It was supposed to be a temporary thing, but that year went by really fast. I’m only trying to do what is best for my daughter. I don’t want to work two jobs to afford a shitty apartment, endless day-care and missing out on raising my only daughter. I want her to have a happy, carefree childhood, and by living here, I can provide that for her. Yes, Journal, it has been three years, but a lot has happened in the past two years that were supposed to change my situation and provide me an income to afford a nice place while being able to raise my daughter, independently. Either way, being constantly tired and cranky because of work cements my resolve to stick it out! 

April 28, 2020

Hi Journal, I’m not sure if I should read the entries I have previously written? It’s kind of a habit to always re-read my work. And, by just re-reading I feel I must talk about the past two years. So, after a year of living here, I figured a plan to become independent was in order. Something to improve my life and the life of my daughter. My plan was ultimately prompted by my mother pushing me to do something, thereby charging me rent. I’m poor anyways, with no outside help, and a part-time job.  I figure if I’m going to pay rent, I want autonomy. Fulfilling a lifelong dream, I went back to school!  Awesome! I’m poor anyway, so what’s another $25K in debt!  I decided to finally teach at a community college. I’ve always wanted to teach at the one I went to many years ago to receive my Associates. So, I applied and was accepted for my Masters program in English Literature. However, it appears I didn’t do the proper due diligence in researching the field.  I first found this out at a Christmas Eve party early in my program. I was having proper fun with wine, on a very needed break from my intense on-line Master’s program when my cousin, a socially awkward but extremely intelligent young lady, laughed at my future dreams. She announced how saturated the literature field was in colleges, especially community colleges. I’m embarrassed to tell you that I ran away crying and lamented about the incident for a whole year, until her nagging premonition began to reveal itself. After graduation, I realized my dilemma.  I was competing against Ph.D.’s with experience. I have a Master’s Degree with no experience.  One can’t just get their Masters and change one’s life, just like that!  I get too that one needs to put time into building a career like that, but I don’t have that time. I’m almost fifty. So now what?  

April 29, 2020

Hi Journal, I think I should have started journaling while living a normal day-to-day existence. But then again, navigating these uncharted territories might draw a new map for my life to follow, now that the old one is forever changed. After the pandemic ends and the country returns to normal, I’m going to end my isolated dating like. In three years, I’ve been one real date and have been to one botched speed-dating event. Unbeknownst to me the first date just really wanted sex, and knowing the state of my sex life now, I probably should have said yes. The other was an arranged speed-dating event, at the restaurant I’m a bartender at. The botched event produced 60 women to 10 men ultimately screwing up the night. Interestingly enough, I actually had a great night. I spent four hours in a mutually fun, easy-talking engagement with the man the staff set-up for me to hang out with. At the end, he said he wasn’t ready to start dating again, he’s only been separated for less than a year. I didn’t know that. Colossal waste of time. Or it could just be me, who knows? Well, full disclosure, Journal, I can’t seem to do on-line dating. Yuck! Thinking about it makes me start to sweat and breath heavy. At first, working like three nights a week makes me not want to leave my daughter the other nights. She’s too young. It’s not her fault I am struggling, but my focus needs to be on her. Yes, my happiness is important, and maybe she’s getting old enough for me to venture out there. Or, I should probably stop using her as an excuse and get back on that horse! Ha ha.   Ooops, I’ll be right back.  I’m back. Tonight, I started journaling while my daughter was still up. My alarm goes off at 7:30 to remind me to take my high-blood pressure medicine and at the same time, I get my daughter ready for bed, teeth brushed, cup of milk, good night! Bear with me on my journey of journaling through self-discovery, this might take a while!    

April 30, 2020

I tuned in tonight to have a real gab and forgot that I put a reminder on the television for the Kenny Rogers tribute. I can’t stop crying and it’s only been two songs. I loved Kenny Rogers when I was a child. My most favorite song is “Coward of the County” but my all-time favorite is “The Gambler”. I love “The Gambler,” it’s double entendres, and different ways the song makes one feel. I understand he didn’t write the lyrics but the ways he delivers the song is brilliant. Funny enough, I sang the song over and over during the surprise C-section which delivered my daughter. I was alone, her father had stayed as long as he could, waiting for me to deliver, but he had to leave to bury his father that morning. I forgot about that. Sad. I was scared.  Anyways, Kenny Rogers has so many love songs, especially the heartbreaking ones (hence my tears) that are so powerful! There is only one song I cannot stomach, and that is “Lucille”. Why would she take her love to town? Why would she leave him with four hungry children and a crop in the field? Sad, I know, I didn’t understand the song back in adolescence and don’t know why it still bothers me.  I don’t like today’s country music; early country music is so different. Music is very influential, and a powerful ballad transcends genres, especially when it touches the very part of one’s soul that needs healing. That’s how I’ve always felt hearing the poetry in lyrics that carry cathartic messages. It helps tremendously to feel that we are not alone in this world questioning our feelings and fucked up thoughts which keep our heads down and confidence checked. “Music’s got to free your mind”… that’s from The Black Crowes, my favorite band, and who holds the album that helped me through a significant change in my early 20’s. This is my problem with journaling, am I supposed to be going back in time or talking about the present? Anyways, this talk turned out different than I anticipated. To catch up on today, homeschooling was more productive than it has been since we started. I’m tired though. Keeping a very high energy, imaginative six-year-old busy all day, every day, I’m tired.  Plus, she likes to ride doubles on my bike, apparently. I swear sometimes I feel like I’m still in my teens, riding around on the bikes with her. At least it’s good exercise. Good night.

May 1, 2020

Could it really be May already???? I look like one of the children from Flowers In the Attic and feel even worse than that. I definitely know I’m going through menopause; I haven’t seen “Flow” in two months, but today, man, I am not doing so good, and it definitely feels like PMS!!!! I’m tired, cranky, hungry, thirsty, and homeschooling…blah. It’s been pouring all day and I can’t wait to pour myself. Is my daughter in bed yet? No… oh, well. My parents have been home a week, they are tan and think this is all going to be over next week! My Dad suggested that the Golf courses be open, and mom agreed! If the golfers stay two puts behind, why not open them? Well, what about the staff it takes to open a golf course? The entitled don’t think that way, obviously! Mother also believes this will all be over by May 4^th! (eye roll) This behavior makes me want to smoke cigarettes and drink wine! I don’t understand. I know I’ve been in the house for 45 days, I’m pasty, pale, with bags under my eyes! I don’t sleep, I want to cry! It’s funny, I lay in bed thinking of what I’m going to write the next day! How silly is that! I have to say tho… it really feels great to sit down and expunge my thoughts. Hours go by like minutes! I’m never as happy as when I’m on the computer writing. Thank you Journal! I think I love you!