A case of the butterflies

Have you ever performed onstage? Did you ever get a case of the butterflies before performing? I did. I got them every time I'd performed onstage. I guess you could say I was a nervous wreck. I was a singer and a dancer for a musical. I performed a song every day, and although it was only one dance one slip up and I could humiliate myself forever. After two years of performing, I didn't even know why I still stuck around considering how many times I felt like vomiting before my song came up. I was sincerely thinking about quitting but I was too scared. All the other cast members had been performing musicals far longer than I have and didn't seem to get butterflies like I do now. For two years I continually felt sick and scared before singing. That was until one day when I realized what I do can make a difference in my life.

I sat backstage lost in thought. This always happened before my big performance. I found myself pacing my dressing room back and forth. I was starting to sweat. I quickly stuffed tissues under my armpits. I've been doing these performances for two years and yet every time I was about to go on I would start getting butterflies in my stomach. My mind started getting fuzzy. the audience clapping, performers singing, backstage people conversing with each other, moving things around. all noises became one. I couldn't think straight. What if this performance is the one that I mess up? What if I forget the lyrics? What if I trip and fall?. All these thoughts started flooding my head. I felt myself drowning in a pool of fear. That was until my hairdresser pulled me out. 

"You're up in 10 minutes!" she cried out from the other side of the room. 

"Huh?" I said giving her a puzzled look. "oh uhh thanks I'll start getting ready." 

she gave me one last look and left. I stood up and headed for the door. My knees buckled under me. I felt like I was about to faint. Taking a deep breath, I tried to remember my lyrics and choreography. I walked out of the room heading for the stage. I stood at the side watching the dancers move gracefully with a smile on there face. I tried to put on the best fake smile I could muster up. I waited for what felt an eternity before I heard the crowd clapping, the dancers bowing and walking to the sides where I stood. “Break a leg!” one of them said. “Thanks, I will,” I replied. My voice sounded forced and strained. I heard the beginning of my music starting. I took one last deep breath and walked onto the stage with a smile plastered onto my face. The audience clapped as I stood in the middle of the stage. Frantically trying to remember my lyrics. I remember opening my mouth to sing.

This is no different than before, I thought.

The next thing I remember I was breathing heavily the crowd cheering and throwing roses onto the stage. Why was I so scared? I thought. It was over. It was amazing. Just like always. Looking out to the crowd I smiled taking a bow and skipping off the stage. My heart was racing, my hands were sweaty and shaking, but I was smiling. My armpits were still sweating, my mouth felt dry, knees were shaking. I was a mess but I felt amazing. 

“You were amazing as always,”, My hairdresser said to me. Handing me a glass of water I eagerly gulped down. 

“Thanks, I’d say that was my best performance yet!” I said. 

She smiled and chuckled at me. “of course, come, let’s get you out of those clothes.”, 

I followed her to my dressing room. Talking about the show I put on. Many other performers walked in the say "Congrats! You were amazing out there" About thirty minutes later the show had ended. I celebrated with the rest of the performers in more comfortable clothing. We all complimented each other on the show. Like always it was a packed house, and like always we were amazing. I finally realized why I do what I do. I perform in front of a crowd because tonight, it made people happy. They clapped and cheered and they loved the show. And I was good at my job. I enjoyed what I did. Throughout the rest of my singing and dancing career, my cases of pre-performance jitters played a big role but after I performed I felt like nothing could stop me. That was when I realized I wanted to do more to get myself known. I wanted to sing more, act out in movies, dance in front of a crowd. I knew i wouldn't be able to get all that if I stayed here. I was so happy with myself. I felt like now I found a purpose in my life.

Four years later I find myself acting out many lead roles in movies. I still perform musicals (having even written one myself), singed in front of thousands of people, written a book on my jitters, and how I overcame them. I married and had three kids who I love and adore until my dying days. I watched my children grow and do excellent things with there lives like I had done. I was living a happy and fear-free life. I wasn't afraid of taking a risk or being seen by people. Occasionally I got the jitters again but after my performances, I felt happy and proud of myself. I look back on the day that my whole life changed. I lived another 60 years from that day. I went on many adventures and I left the world with a smile on my face Holding my husband's hand. Before dying, I prayed that in my next life I could be as brave as I had been now. "Be open to the many thrills and wonders of the world" My last words before departing my journey.