8 comments

Fiction Mystery

The mysterious young woman ambled into the quaint coffee shop, shades and a wavy balayage bob framed her face. Something about her commanded attention, yet she also blended in with the crowd of others nearby. The woman wore a beige trench coat dress and black leggings underneath, high heeled boots, and a watch. This was clearly a woman of business. Patiently, she waited in the line to order and finally relax in the coffee shop. An array of book shelves, tables and chairs, autumn decorations, the view of sunset colored leaves outside the windows and other objects surrounding her bring a sense of warmth and coziness that the holidays often do. 

 

She had never been to this coffee shop before, but she quickly decided when she saw the options for the list of autumn drinks on the chalkboard menu. Pumpkin hot chocolate. Yes, such an unexpected, childish choice for such a woman commanding so much power, but she was an unpredictable person. She took her order, and gracefully seated herself into a booth, meant for two or more people. But, she was alone. Looking around she took in everything she could for she would be gone soon, and likely never to visit this place again. She gazed out the window, looking at the trees full of brightly colored leaves. Hues of candy apple red, pumpkin, lemon, and squash littered the ground. The time of year brings back warm and pleasant feelings, as people await the holidays to start. Sitting still, legs crossed, calm and comfortable in this place of quiet and solace for once in her life. Her life was often made up of moments that involved quick wit and a reliance on reflexes. A moment of silence was a blessing. A time to contemplate her decisions she has made throughout her life, how did they lead her to here? How did she ever get this far? She was truly a woman of many secrets and mysteries. Many thought they knew her, but in reality, no one did and she left before they could ever figure it out. All of her identities intertwined with each other, leaving her to be the person she is now. A liar, a con-woman, and an imposter. She and others did however, know that she was unpredictable, she had many desires, and she was a heartbreaker. The stealer of hearts, but she was destined to a life of unrequited love. She had no remorse or regrets. 

 

All the lovers she left behind were devastated, for she had made them fall in love. She married them, and then left with everything they could ever own, including the hearts of the poor victims. She did her business with so much grace, and cleverness, no one ever expected a thing. She became the person of their dreams, and was gone in a flash. This woman swept throughout the country, robbing people blind through marriage. All the people she was wedded to were robbed of title, money, dignity, and were left abandoned. But, this was merely her job she had trained to fall in love, steal, never look back, and then transform into someone new; repeat. A new identity, a new beginning only to be repeated a hundred times more. 

She knew she had chosen this life, and there was no changing her path now even if she wished it. 

These choices filled her with a sense of self empowerment, and it showed in the way she carried herself even with the despicable actions she had committed weighing her down. 

 

The woman glanced at her watch; it was nearly time. After fixing her hair, she multi-tasked by applying a coat of auburn colored lipstick while looking in a compact mirror. Casually, she pulled her shades away and dropped them into one of her many pockets. She did not have to do much else, for she knew she could win any man over with her natural stunning looks alone. She already had a wig and forest green colored contacts in to create her new identity, along with other falsified legal requirements… And, she had already memorized all the information about her next job.

Grabbing her orange mug, she sauntered over to another table and placed it by the pile of cups the waiter had yet to pick up. And then, she got back in line. 

 

He was right on time. She knew that he came to this coffee shop, every Sunday, at the exact same time every week. The man walked in confident, but unknowing of the disastrous future awaiting him. He was broad shouldered, had dark brown hair, and an ora of ego and surrounded him, just like every other guy in the world. She knew everything about him. From the pet he had as a child, to every college he applied to in senior year of high school, to his deepest, darkest secrets. She also knew that he was rich, the most important part. Yet, he had never even met her. Until today. All of this information provided by the Boss, she used to build herself a new identity, one that would immediately make her noticed. It worked. Standing right behind her, he spoke aloud.

 

“Well, hello gorgeous” he said. 

 

A bold statement. She turned around and smirked. Works every time.

They made conversation, and she knew exactly the right things to say to intrigue him. By the time she got to the front of the line to order, he had offered to pay for her drink. This time, an espresso. He ordered the same. The cashier looked at her strangely, because he knew he had just seen her in line not too long ago, but he had dismissed the thought because it did not matter anyway. 

He offered to accompany her, and they sat together at the same booth she had before. Talking, and making conversation.

She knew, that this was her next victim. And there he sat, totally oblivious of the consequences that would result from him falling for the mysterious, gorgeous girl that day in the coffee shop.

 

 

October 12, 2020 06:51

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8 comments

Charles Stucker
09:31 Oct 18, 2020

the quaint coffee shop, shades and- comma should be a period. Looking around she took in everything- comma after around and an ora of ego - aura of ego? This is a lengthy description of your protagonist, including their background, followed by a tiny snippet of business-as-usual, opening gambit to a long con. Where is the tension? Where is the mystery? The reader, sitting on the shoulder of the grifter, knows everything, can predict the next several moves, is comfortable in the assurance that everything will go right as is has the...

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L M
18:00 Oct 18, 2020

Thank you so much for all the tips and suggestions! Much appreciated. I need to work more on introducing conflict.

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Andrew Krey
01:03 Oct 18, 2020

Hi Lucia, I liked your story. It was a bold choice to only have one line of dialogue, but I think the character development is so strong it's still an engaging story. I feel like it would be an excellent opening scene to a twisted romance novel! :) In terms of suggestions - your paragraphs are quite long, so I'd advise grouping the sentences so they're smaller. This will make it easier to read, and less daunting for the reader as there will be fewer big blocks of text. I also felt like you buried the lead a little with your story, as the ...

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L M
06:49 Oct 18, 2020

Thank you so much for all the helpful tips! The second sentence was a typo mistake. I need to improve on my editing and revision skills.

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Andrew Krey
12:06 Oct 18, 2020

You're welcome, I'm glad it was helpful

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Ari Berri
20:42 Nov 19, 2020

This is a great story! I saw in your bio that you like Arc of a Scythe Series, Harry Potter, Maze Runner, and 5th Wave. Those are some of my favorite seres, too.

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L M
20:54 Nov 19, 2020

Thank you.

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Ari Berri
20:57 Nov 19, 2020

No problem.

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