BETRAYED

I looked at the bib I'm holding and a tear dropped from my eyes. A wave of agony swept through my body and I felt my heart breaking all over again. She was so soft, so tiny and so innocent. She was beautiful and she was mine but they....

My thoughts were interrupted by the door being closed softly behind me. I smoothed over the bib and placed it gently in the suitcase. It was the only reminder I have of her, my daughter. 

"Are you still leaving?" My mother asked me softly.

I nodded.

"But..."

"Don't say anything. Just don't. You have said everything there's to say," I said to her in a voice thick with emotion. Anger, pain and sadness settled over me like a thick fog. I went to a couch and sat down. I looked round the room which holds my childhood. The posters of my idols on the wall, the jar of pebbles on the dresser and the cage which held my pet hamster now dead all reminds me of the little girl I will never be again.

I looked at the bed, the hated bed where I lost my innocence and was forced to become a mother at sixteen. Tears dropped from my eyes as I remembered everything. My shoulders shook as I silently wept. My mother came over and tried to pull me into her embrace but I violently pushed her away from me.

"Stay away from me!" I screamed at her. "This was all your fault. You brought a monster into our lives and couldn't even protect me from him. Go away. I don't want to see you again," I finished in a soft voice filled with pain.

She stood up from the floor and looked at me with pain and guilt in her eyes. 

"I'm sorry for everything," she said softly and left the room. As I heard the close behind her, I opened the floodgates of my heart and let the pain ooze out of me. I wept for the little girl I was and the love we shared. I yearned to call out to her, to crawl into her arms again like I used to do whenever I was scared but no... She along with her boyfriend took my life and shattered it.

I remembered the first time I met him. He was clean shaven and so handsome. His eyes danced with delight when mother introduced him to me. I had been looking forward to meet the man that made my mum smile happily to herself whenever she thinks that no one is looking and I was glad to finally get to meet him. Nnamdi, that's his name, took my hand and shook it.

"You are just a replica of your mother," he said. "But she's the most beautiful woman in the world for me." He hugged her close to him and kissed her temple while she giggled like a love struck teenager. I mumbled 'thanks' and quickly left the living room as they started kissing each other. I was happy that she had found love again after my father died. She had been lonely for so long, always shuffling between work and church. She had no social life so I was glad that she found a man who was obviously crazy for her and would make her happy or so I thought.

The abuse was subtle when it started. A little bruise on her face or her arms. She would always smile and say that she mistakenly hit her head on the door or that she slipped and fell. I believed her lies and took no notice of the pain in her eyes which she always tried to hide with her bright smile. Mother had always been an introvert but she still enjoyed going on a night out with some friends from church. All that stopped when Nnamdi came into her life. He made her cut ties with all her friends. Her life now revolves around doing anything to make him happy.

It wasn't long before I noticed that mother had changed. She became silent and no longer bursts into spontaneous songs as she used to do. She snapped at me whenever I tried to chat about my day in school. She even stopped visiting her friends. She began to wear heavy makeup to cover the bruises which became bigger and not so easily explained away.

"Why don't you leave him?" I asked her one afternoon as we prepared lunch in the kitchen.

She sighed and dropped the carrot she's dicing. "I can't."

"Why? It's obvious he's not making you happy anymore. Leave him. Let things go back the way it was before."

She sighed again and shook her head as a single tear dropped from her eyes. "I can't. I love him."

I looked incredulously at her, "Mum, is this love? Is this what you have been teaching me all these years? Is love pain?" I slid down the counter, went over to her and wrapped my hands around her. 

"Mum, can't you see what he's doing to you? This is not you. You have become a shadow of yourself. Please, come back to me. I need you."

We stayed like that for a little while before she pat me on the head with a sad smile.

"My baby girl has grown but you won't understand till you fall in love. Don't worry. He will change."

My life changed forever one fateful afternoon. I had come back from school to meet him sleeping on the couch in the living room with empty bottles of alcohol scattered everywhere. I went into my room to shower and freshen up. I was standing in the shower when I heard the bathroom door open and I opened my eyes to see him naked in front of me. Before I could open my mouth to scream, he grabbed me and gave me a slap which made me go weak in the knees. I was dragged out of the shower and thrown to the bed. Screams and pleas didn't stop him. 

"If your mother or anyone hears about this, I will kill you and her," he told me in a menacing voice when he finished.

I hid my shame from everybody. Mother didn't know nor did she care to know the reason for my sudden withdrawal from all the activities I used to enjoy. I tried to reach out to her but she was too wrapped up in her cocoon to pay me any attention. So, I kept silent but my body didn't. 

A few months after the rape, I fell sick. Mother flipped when it was discovered that I was pregnant. 

"How could you do this?!" She screamed at me. "I raised you better than this! Why?!"

I looked from her to him. I opened my mouth to say something but I couldn't. Tears poured out of my eyes.

"I never knew you were such a slut. Who is the father of the bastard in your womb?!" She ranted on and on.

I wanted to tell her that it was her boyfriend but fear stopped me. I was afraid that she might not believe me. I was afraid of his threats. I kept quiet.

The months leading to the birth of my daughter was the most difficult period of my life. Mother tormented me with words which made me fall into a deep depression. I always had suicidal thoughts. I was filled with hatred...hatred for him and his baby. Death would have been a welcome friend...a release form the pains.

Then one night, it happened. I fell into labour on the ninth month. I woke up from sleep as sharp pains threatened to tear me apart. My loud scream got my mother running to my room. She panicked when she saw that I was in labour.

A scream escaped my lips as pain tore through my body. It was quickly followed by another and another as waves of pain engulfed me. The contractions are getting intense and come too close together. The pain was terrible. I felt like I was going to die.

"Forgive me, mum," I gasped out in pain as she used a cool cloth to clean my brows as we waited for the ambulance.

"There's nothing to be forgiven, dear. You are still my baby. My baby who made a mistake," she said softly.

"It wasn't my fault," I cried as the pain tore through me again. "He raped me! He said he will kill me and you if I ever talk."

She stiffened and stopped what she was doing. "What are you talking about, Cheta?" She asked in a quiet voice.

"It's Nnamdi! He raped me and I'm now suffering because of him!"

My mother groaned loudly as the full impact of my statement hit her. Tears poured from her eyes. 

"What have I done? Oh God," she cried.

Moments later Sarah came into the world. Holding her tiny body in my arms, I felt my heart swell up with love. She's so cute and innocent. All the hatred I felt in my heart when I was pregnant melted away. I wanted to love her, to cherish and protect her.

But my mother had other plans. Before I could recover from childbirth, she made arrangements with an adoption agency to give her away.

"Mum, please. Let me keep her. I can take care of her. I will do whatever it takes. Mum, please." I pleaded with her desperately.

"What do you know about raising a child?" She sneered contemptuously at me. "Besides, that child is a reminder of something I want to forget ever happened."

"But it happened to me not you, mum," I said tearfully. "Sarah has nothing to do with whatever happened. Mum, please don't do this. It will break me. She's my rock, my anchor. Let me keep her, please."

But it was not to be. Sarah was taken from me after I was forced to sign the adoption papers. I fell into a deep depression. Every effort that my mother made to cheer me up fell flat. She broke up with Nnamdi and swore never to have anything do with him again.

I mourned the loss of my baby and when I was just about to move on, my mother broke my heart again.

She came into my room one evening and sat on my bed watching me as I did my homework. I watched as she nervously twisted the edge of my bedsheets in her fingers.

"Mum, is there any problem?" I asked her when I couldn't stand the silence any longer.

She chewed her lips and looked at everywhere else but me.

"Mum!"

She looked startled at me and quickly averted her eyes. Then, she took a deep breath.

"I'm sorry. I don't know how to say this...I ... I .... I'm sorry,"

I frowned at her. "I don't understand what you are saying, mum."

She took another deep breath and looked briefly at me before looking down at her hands.

"I'm getting back together with Nnamdi," she mumbled.

I dropped my pen in shock and gasped, "Mum ... No... No, I can't believe this."

"I'm sorry," she said as tears ran down her cheeks. "I still love him despite all that happened and besides, I'm ... going to.... have his baby."

I stood up as the shock gave way to anger.

"A baby? You are going to have that monster's baby?"

"I.... I..."

"You have to abort it. I don't want his baby to be my sibling. Get an abortion."

She stood up quickly and slapped me. 

"How dare you say such to me?! Are you out of your mind?"

"Am I crazy?" I asked her and laughed without mirth. "Of course, I am. Can you hear yourself? You made me give away my baby and now you're going to have his baby. Of course, I'm out of my mind."

I took my phone from the table and stood up. As I passed her glaring at me, I said,"You are such a selfish woman. I used to think that you love me but it's obvious I'm mistaken."

I left the house and took a long walk. Before I got home that night, I have made a decision. I'm going to leave home. I will go to my grandma's house and stay for a while before I make my final decision. But one thing is sure, I will never forgive my mother.

I stood up and continued with my packing. I need to leave before he moves in. They are getting married.