Six-ish Characters in Search of a Decent Author

ACT I

Scene 1

Setting: A spacious, upscale restaurant in the centre of London. Early evening. 

A man and a woman, GRANT and JENNIFER, are sat at a table centre stage. There are two more tables dotted around them with other couples, and two waiters attending to them. They aren’t talking when the curtain rises, but the tables around them are. 

The FIRST WAITER approaches the table

FIRST WAITER

Good evening, can I get either of you anything to drink?

GRANT

Umm…maybe two more minutes?

FIRST WAITER

No problem, whenever you’re ready

GRANT and JENNIFER smile awkwardly at each other. They both go to talk at the same time, and laugh when they cut each other off. 

JENNIFER

God, we’re not doing ourselves any favours are we?

GRANT

I could start again if that’s easier? Hi, I’m Grant, nervous and indecisive, pleasure to meet you

JENNIFER

Charmed. Jennifer, fumbling and glad that you look like your pictures

They shake hands with mock-formality, and go back to their menus

GRANT

I’ve heard the lamb shank here is incredible

JENNIFER

You should definitely go for that! I’m vegetarian, though, remember? We were texting about it?

GRANT

Oh Christ…how many first chances do I get? One more? 

JENNIFER

I can do one more, but watch yourself

The FIRST WAITER comes back to the table and takes out a notepad. 

FIRST WAITER

How are we both, ready to order? 

GRANT

Yes, sorry about that. Lamb shank for me please

FIRST WAITER

Excellent. Madame? 

JENNIFER

Could I get the confit duck please? 

GRANT

And a bottle of house red to go with those too

FIRST WAITER

No problem at all. I’ll be right back.

JENNIFER

No hold on a minute, please, I can’t have the duck, I’m a vegetarian. I wanted the chestnut mushroom risotto. I don’t know what came over me, I’m sorry.

GRANT

And I’m allergic to red wine. I have…no idea why I did that. 

GRANT looks back at the wine list and picks something more suitable. 

FIRST WAITER

Ahem.

GRANT

Sorry, did you need something else? 

FIRST WAITER

Just which wine you wanted? I don’t know which one is ‘more suitable’.

GRANT

 Oh. Did I say that out loud? Uhh…you pick please. Something white.

The FIRST WAITER leaves, looking disgruntled.

GRANT

Where were we? You were saying before about moving to your new place?

JESSICA

Oh right, yes, sorry. Just a little bit flustered. Yes, I mean I love the area but rent is just sky high at the moment so I’ve had to move in with a stranger for the first time in DONKEYS years and wait a minute who’s Jessica? 

GRANT

What?

JESSICA

Wasn’t my name Jennifer a moment ago? 

GRANT

I guess it was. Is that deliberate or just careless? It’s not much of a change either way

JENNIFER

Oh, ok, it’s back. Nevermind.

JENNIFER adjusts the name tag on her blouse that says ‘Jennifer’ and has ALWAYS said ‘Jennifer’. The two chat for a bit – typical first date conversation, surface level and generic, covering family history and pets and recent jobs, etc. 

GRANT

No, come on, you can’t do that. I want to get to know Jenny! That’s skipping over minutes of chatting, I haven’t learned a single new thing about her. I can call you Jenny, right?

JENNIFER, NOT JENNY

I’d prefer if you didn’t. He is right though, you can’t just ‘yadda yadda;’ your way through actual lines of dialogue in a play. Were you going to switch the action to another table or are you just trying to skip to some incident? 

The lights dim on the centre table, so we don’t have to hear them talking, they can improvise and mime or something. Lights go up on the furthest table stage left, now, and we’re introduced to a way more interesting couple – FRED and VELMA

FRED

It’s just been so difficult recently. He gets so angry out of nowhere, but he can’t explain why. To be trapped in your own head like that, and not know why? I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy. But sometimes it feels like he thinks I’M his worst enemy…I’m at my breaking point, Velma.

VELMA reaches over and takes his hand, tenderly.

VELMA

I know, Fred. But you’re not alone. It might feel like it sometimes, when things are darkest with Grandpa Shaggy’s dementia, but I’m here. I’m always here. And so is Scoopy.

FRED (laughing, and wiping away a tear)

Yeah, I know. He’s such a good dog.

FIRST WAITER

Good evening, can I get either of you anything to drink?

FRED

Can you give us a minute please?

FIRST WAITER

No problem sir. I’ll just be waiting in the wings wondering why I’m so one note and whether the second waiter’s ever going to do their job. 

JENNIFER (talking for some reason)

We still haven’t got our mains

GRANT (ditto, it’s a big restaurant and it’s rude to hog the spotlight)

Are you writing this while watching TV? Calling those guys those names is going to take people out of things

GRANT and JENNIFER actually know FRED and VELMA and they’ve really close friends so it all makes sense. The two couples wave to each other.

VELMA

Sorry you two, didn’t see you there! What are the odds? 

JENNIFER

Hello! Guess you managed to find a dogsitter for Scoopy after all! And we were so sorry to hear that Grandpa Shaggy’s getting worse, is there anything we can do to wait no hold on, we knew they were coming but we didn’t all sit together? This doesn’t feel very thought through

The lights come up on both tables at the same time and the two couples push them together to make one big one, which was the plan all along. They just didn’t want to bother the waiters.

FIRST WAITER

There’s only one waiter being bothered for shit anyway. 

GRANT

Weren’t we on a first date at the beginning?

FRED

Maybe we all know each other independently?

VELMA

I don’t want to note anyone to death but maybe we could all do with a little consistency. 

VELMA, who loves giving unsolicited advice, decides that she needs to go to the toilet. 

FRED

So, you two, how’s getting to know each other going?

JENNIFER

We’re going right back to light-hearted first date after just throwing in a soupçon of dementia, are we? I think I’m getting back problems from the tonal whiplash.

FRED

I’m just trying to roll with the changes. Have a little faith – I think he’s going to find a way to tie this all together. Sometimes writing is at its most exciting when it starts off with disparate strands and they eventually dovetail into something bigger. 

GRUNT

That’s optimistic, but I guess we’ll just have to see. The setting’s vague enough that this could potentially go anywhere, but it does feel like you two are in an entirely different story as it stands. We tried not to draw too much attention at first but, you know. We all want this to work. 

JENNIFER

Speaking of drawing attention to things…how long do you think until he notices? 

The three of them are just sitting and staring off into the distance for some reason. VELMA has come back from the bathroom and is doing the same. The FIRST WAITER is coming back over now with their drinks so that should get things moving again? Right?

FIRST WAITER

Oh my god. Just look at the last time you wrote out Grant’s name. They’re making you look like an idiot.

Fate is predetermined. Everything is by design. You are not the captains of your ship; you are not the masters of your fate.

GRUNT

Ug.

JENNIFER

Excuse me?

GRUNT

Ug.

GRUNT, adjusting his loincloth, bonks FRED on the head with his crude caveman cudgel.

JENNIFER

Oh come ON

FRED (nursing his new head wound)

Yeah ok, I take back everything I said a minute ago

JENNIFER

Your plan all along was that one of the main characters in this breezy first date story slash sombre illness melodrama is an inarticulate caveman named after the only noise he’s able to make? Was anybody going to comment on this? How the hell did we meet in the first place? I don’t want to sip cocktails with a neanderthal!

GRUNT

Ug. 

VELMA 

I think she’s just frustrated with her motivation Grunt, try not to take it to heart. I agree though, it does read like the writers’ been at the cocktails already

It’s actually very normal to work with a glass of wine or two. Also that’s what proofreading is for. I don’t have to justify myself to you anyway. Everyone’s a critic. 

FRED

Is that just a turn of phrase or do we genuinely all work as critics? 

The four food critics, JENNIFER, GRUNT, FRED and DAPHNE, look over and pull out their penis in eager anticipation of their approaching meals. The FIRST WAITER knows that the success of the restaurant depends on this meal. 

FIRST WAITER

I’m not serving any of you until Fred and Grunt put those away

FRED

Oh Christ, that’s so embarrassing. Stop drinking, read back what you’re writing and type properly, man!

Pens. They’re all going to write with pens.

GRUNT

Ug!

JENNIFER

I know Grunt, it’s very undignified. He can’t even remember which pre-existing cartoon character names he already used.

DAPHNE leaves to go review a different restaurant. VELMA’s a theatre critic and she’s definitely still here, the show doesn’t start until later.

VELMA

Thank God this one’s never going to get performed, I don’t think they could publish what I’m thinking right now

FIRST WAITER

If this is opening night then it’s SO much weirder that my colleague hasn’t done a single thing yet

FRED

I bet that second waiter is going to appear in Act II and there’ll be some reason they were held back. Like they’re going to be thematically or narratively crucial so we couldn’t see them earlier? 

JENNIFER

God, why are you still giving this guy credit?! There’s barely anything here, no way we’re stretching to a second act. He’s in freefall! 

Some diners need to watch themselves or maybe they won’t make it all the way to Act II

JENNIFER

Oh, threats now? Go ahead, write us out of this circus! God forbid we miss out on being a part of some aimless slop written by some half-conscious hack alone with a laptop and the inability to focus without white noise and a drinking habit. You have no idea what you’re doing, do you? Did you start off thinking you were going to write a low-key little comedy of manners but you couldn’t even hold your own attention without throwing a manipulative bit of misery-porn in there? What story do you ACTUALLY want to tell? 

The lights dim on the irritating table of four but not because they wanted me to do that, and then go up on the final table stage right. Two gangster types wearing fedoras and stylish pinstripe suits are talking animatedly about the latest stick-up job they’re planning over two huge plates of spaghetti. FRANK, short and stocky is berating his taller, more athletic colleague, SINATRA

JENNIFER 

Oh you’ve got to be KIDDING

FRANK

And dats why you gotta whack the guy BEFORE he gets to the register, capeesh? How many times I gotta tell ya? 

SINATRA

Eyyyy, quit bustin’ my balls over here!

FRANK

Hey waiter, give us some more freakin’ gabagool over here, will ya? 

FRED

Absolutely zero chance he knows that gabagool isn’t a kind of spaghetti

The FIRST WAITER brings over another plate of spaghetti with gabagool sauce, which is what they ordered off the menu

FRED

It’s not cheese either

Back to eating their food, FRANK and SINATRA get back to discussing their next hit

FRANK

All you gotta do is wait until Fred’s done eatin’ and den catch him out in da alley, den give him two shots to da back of da head! 

FRED

Oh my god! What?!

Got any constructive criticism for me now, huh? Come on tough guy, what do you think of that?

JENNIFER

You can’t just bully us into submission

JENNIFER takes a sip of wine but it goes down the wrong way and shoots out of both of her nostrils. She flails around trying to stop the torrent, falls off her chair, and pulls the entire tablecloth off on top of her. She’s covered in four different main courses and there’s a fork sticking out of her butt

SINATRA

Actually, I was gonna say, I don’t feel too comfortable with dis neither. You got kind of a thin skin for dis line of work. And how come you only described us two mooks and no one else? Ain’t you gotta include a character description for the cast at da beginnin’ of da play? 

SINATRA, barely able to speak through all the food stuffed in his fat pimply cheeks, adjusts his jacket over his enormous hunchback and sweats profusely. He puts his tiny clammy hands in the air and shoves his face in his bowl of pasta like a pig at a trough

SINATRA (pathetically)

Eyyy, dats uncalled for

VELMA

You can’t do this to all of us. You’ve written yourself into a corner. So what’s the plan?

VELMA exits, pursued by a bear

VELMA

AAAHHHHHH!

JENNIFER

Oh my god! Everyone up on the tables, quick! Where the hell did that come from? 

FRED

Velma! I’m coming! If it’s brown, stay down! If it’s black, fight back! 

FRED exits, pursued by another bear

FRANK

Eyyy, fugeddaboutit! He can’t take all of us! 

All the diners exit, pursued by multiple bears. The FIRST WAITER is the only one left standing, and he starts to clear up the mess.

FIRST WAITER

Seriously? What kind of a payoff is that?

FIRST WAITER exits, pursued by a SECOND WAITER