Holly's Shampoo

  Holly’s Shampoo

The thought of my daughter Holly coming home to an empty, dark home caused me to press my foot down. Her father usually was there to welcome her with something cooking in the oven,

now she would only see him on weekends. 

Making sure to stay in lane, I fiddled with my radio for a more energetic song to keep my eyes open and on the road.

Long, busy shifts on the wards, solicitor meetings, sleepless nights and teary-eyed conversations with Holly had me exhausted. How to explain a divorce to a six-year-old?

Damn, no good music... I had to settle on a radio debate on the topic of reintroducing wolves back to the Highlands. As I was driving through the same Highlands that the voices were discussing I thought I'd listen, and I’d heard some of the other nurses discuss this with the patients. Disgruntled farmers, animal rights activists, council members, their voices droned on and on until their voices merged into one soft buzz.

Focus on the road, stay in the middle…

The sun was setting against the horizon, throwing its last enchanting reds and oranges onto the prehistoric lands that wolves once roamed. Could be fun to have them back...

My mind wandered, conjuring wolf-like shapes bounding across the heather...-

Where was I?

On my back, my gasping breath visible against the freezing air.

Still trees and boulders thick with moss…

A forest?

But I needed to get home to my daughter, Holly.

I dragged my aching body to sit up. The cold air stung my skin, and my bones screamed in protest as I got to my feet.

What was happening to me and where was Holly?

The gentle scent of ancient pines and tufts of fragrant heather seemed out of place somehow. Or perhaps it was me who shouldn’t be here?

           A howl. Wolves were close.

I thought I could recall a memory concerning wolves, but it felt far away, as if from a distant world.

I had to find Holly.

Frantically I willed feeling into my frozen limbs and set off running, jumping over rocks and tearing through the trees, calling her name.

But I was too slow!

A howl. Then the paws... Panting behind me.

A whimper escaped from my throat.

The wolves.

Leave her alone!

A wolf streaked past me, a blur among the pines.

Why didn’t it just take me, why go for Holly?

I forced my tired legs to go faster but the wolf slowed to my pace, its shining white coat hurting my eyes.

Shining white.

Follow me. Become… me…

And so…

I became.

And as a wolf I was stronger and faster. The cold’s grip ceased, and my world was enriched with scents: the sweet fragrance of wildflowers, pine resin, smoky heather and the deep, musky moss intensified, and then...

One scent came to me. When she’d be clean and dry in her warm bed and I would read her bedtime story and kiss her head goodnight.

Holly’s shampoo.

Among the plethora of scents, this is what I desired. And I was hungry. Hungry to get back home to her and keep her safe.

And I was fast.

I was strong.

I would find her.

I ran with the white wolf, following the scent.

Streaking out of the forest and descending into small valleys, I leapt over rocks and over large stretches of heather, shining in the moonlight, and then crashed back into another thicket of trees.

Her scent intensified.

As strong as it was when she would read aloud to me, curled up against me in bed.

It was real! But was I sure? What was my reality?

We burst out of the trees and into a clearing.

I looked ahead, the moon was shining on a frozen lake in the middle of the clearing.

I was slowing.

No… had to keep going.

Had to find Holly.

Had to…

Sluggish, I could only watch as the white wolf tore away, leaving me behind.

The vibrant scents faded, and I once again became prisoner to the cold.

Stumbling, I fell and cut my knee, my human skin bled, I cried out.

I had failed…

I couldn’t smell her anymore.

A man, with his back turned was looking at the lake.

I walked over. Could it be…

Slowly, he turned to face me.

My heart sang as I saw his smile and his shining eyes. They sang the way they had before the disease stole his mind, memories, body and his life.

‘Clara!’ He took me in his strong arms. Leather, tractor oil and cigarette smoke.

Tears stung my eyes. He was alive! And he knew who I was!

His body was warm and without the scent of decay of the nursing home.

‘Is Holly with you, dad?’

Familiar confusion descended on my dad’s face.

He studied me intently. The wrinkles on his thick brow furrowed in thought. He looked at me for a long time then he nodded as if he finally understood something.

He finally said, ‘Holly would never leave you, Clara. You need to leave this place.’

His words made me shiver more than the cold ever could.

‘What do you mean, dad?’

‘Go. Find her, but she isn’t here,’ And as he said the last word he gestured around him, meaning this place. 'You shouldn't be here, not yet.'

The warmth of his presence faded, and I realized that he was disappearing.

‘No!’ I screamed.

But he was gone.

It was so unlike him. The hurt tore into me, why didn’t he want to stay with me?

    I was alone.

    A howl - not alone.

Another wolf…

It padded towards me across the frozen lake, its coat black.

Shining black.

It’s piercing black eyes beckoned me to go with him.

It stopped before me, looking straight at me.

‘No, please. Please, I need to stay here for her.’ I pleaded.

But I understood what it wanted, where I had to go.

Its patience was waning. And I knew that I had to leave this place, and I had to leave Holly.

The wolf slowly bowed its head as my vision around me faded, darkness creeping in.

It was taking me.

Instinctively, I tried to hold onto the world around me. I knew once the blackness folded over me that I would lose her forever. Did I have more fight left in me?

But as the crushing numbness descended, I knew I could finally relax. I could stop.

Stop searching.

Stop pushing.

What had I been searching for anyway?

With the last of my energy my sluggish mind recalled what Dad had told me. That I had to leave this place.

I mustered my strength, and I tried to shake myself awake as if trying to escape the clutches of a nightmare.

Had to find it, find the…

The scent.

Surreal and out of place, clear and vibrant with a screaming urgency: Holly’s Shampoo.

It pulled me in. I chased it and I wanted it more than anything, but the more I chased it the more it hurt.

Pain.

So much pain …my body! My real body. It was broken, but it was mine.

The black wolf disappeared, defeated, and an awful ache resonated through my bones.

I opened my heavy eyes opened but I could not move my neck.

A hospital room, why?

What happened to me?

Holly… was she OK?

I was alone.

I tried to remember something. Running, a wolf… and speaking with dad, but we had buried him years ago…

Then I smelt something familiar, directly under my nose. That smell…

Holly’s head was on my chest, her hair tickling my lips. Holly’s shampoo.

I felt the tears come and I finally understood. I tried to move my broken body and as I grunted with pain and effort. The hospital bed squeaked as the weight of her head shifted and I could see her face, red and swollen and crying; she was exhausted. Dazed, disoriented and scared, but her face changed in an instant when she met my eyes.

Crying, choking, delighted and snotty, she buried her face into my neck.

My broken body couldn’t return her hug, but my heart was singing and pouring my love into her.

Dad had been right; she hadn’t left me, not for a second.

‘Found you.’ I whispered, as she cried into my neck.