I Just Don't Even Care

My heart is starting to race so fast, I can barely keep up with it. I stare into the eyes of this coward who hides behind another face. I trace my trembling fingers across my fat nose, thin lips, my small eyes. The angry bruises on my arms crawl up my shoulder, spreading this army of purple dots across my skin.  I see this person do the same. The stomach of this person inflates, leaving a small balloon under the blue pajamas. 

Just looking in the mirror gives me anxiety. What if I were to go out like this? Scarred and bruised. Weak and ugly, looking like the monster our mother said that would eat us if we weren’t good. My whole body shakes with fear. Then I’ll be that girl. The one that sits alone at the lunch table, does all her school projects on her own, doesn't have a boyfriend, gets ignored the whole year.

I must have stared into that mirror for at least a couple of hours. This is my night routine. Praying that I won’t look like this person ever again. And then in the morning my prayers are answered. They have been answered since the summer of 6th grade. It's not really of my prayers getting answered as much as my brain having the power to look the way I was supposed to be. 

Every morning, my brain transforms my body into the one that I always wanted. I see myself becoming this beautiful girl that everyone wants to be friends with and wants to hang out with. The truth is, I don’t really know if I even have real friends or not. I’ve always thought that once everybody knows what I actually look at, they’ll leave me out of their groups. And that will be lonely. 

My lips become bigger with just the right amount of flesh, and my nose thinner but sharp. My face turns into an oval while all my bruises and scars start to vanish. It's almost like somebody just waved a wand across my body, making it look gorgeous. 

As I smile into the mirror, I can’t help but have a small part of my heart to feel fake. Feeling like those basic girls who only care about their looks, caring too much about how they look. I shake this thought off as I make my way to school. 

I catch my friends in the parking lot and we walk together to our homeroom, gossiping about all the juice that we have at our school, like all normal teenage girls do. We take our seats and gather our supplies. I grab my pen to write with, and I find a small scab starting to grow back. It's only a tiny scab between my knuckles, nobody will even notice I say to myself. 

The rest of the day, I ignore the scab, only to find another scar on my elbow to grow back. This begins to worry me, as I feel a blue bruise forming on my forearm while standing at my locker. I can feel my body trembling like it does in the mirror. I try to control it, but I can’t handle it. I run into the bathroom and lock myself into a stall. Checking to see if there’s anyone else in here, I start bawling my eyes out. There goes my perfect face. My hands shake and tears roll down my face one after the other. 

The fear that I have been carrying with my entire life may come to face me. And that is scary. Everything you’ve dreaded your entire life is now gonna come true. Just the thought of it gives me so much anxiety.

The next morning, after praying and crying myself to sleep, I looked into the mirror. A few more of my scars and bruises appeared. I probably cried enough tears last night to leave any for today. I just looked at the body in the mirror with resentment. 

I dragged myself in getting dressed and ready for school. While I found my friends, I hoped they wouldn’t notice my changes. One of my friends did ask me if I was okay. I didn’t know if she was talking about it physically or mentally. 

The whole day, I had this warp over me. It didn’t make me cry. I didn’t even think about anything, my friends, my body; but I felt controlled. Something was controlling me inside and out, and it made me feel like I was worthless. I am about to become these ugly girls very soon, and there is nothing that I can do about it. 

Everytime I go to the bathroom, I find a new scar and a bruise. I peer into the mirror closely, and I see my nose shift a bit. My head is getting wider, my lips smaller. Everything on my face that I kept a secret was now coming to life. 

Isn’t this great? The things that I invested so much of my time wishing for, praying, hoping, changing is now all coming out of hiding. My life is about to change, and I don't know if I’m ready for that. I know that I sound like one of those bratty girls who don’t give a crap about anything but themselves, but these are my insecurities. These small things make me feel like garbage. I feel like a Honda Civic next to a Ferrari. 

I can’t describe this feeling, but all that matters is that this change is happening, and I don't know what to do. 

I couldn’t sleep last night at all. I was twisting and turning and I just couldn’t close my eyes and doze off. When I stood up in front of the mirror, I wouldn’t say I looked completely like myself, but I felt open. Vulnerable. True. This is me. I can’t say that I like it, but I guess it does feel like a breath of fresh air. A breath I didn’t know I was holding on for my entire life. From when I was 5 years old till now. 

My body doesn’t look the way I've always wanted. I’m not one of those girls like oh my god I love myself and I’m beautiful and all that junk. I’m not beautiful. And I’m not really okay with it, but honestly, I’ve cared so much for the past years, that I don’t even care anymore. I don’t know what came over me, but I'm really tired to think to fix my body, and now, I just don’t even care.