The Modern Addict: A Case Study

The following is a recorded series of snippets from rehabilitation support meetings that the Subject A has attended. The published transcripts have been used with permission from all participants in the support group.

Day 1

[applause]

“Hi, everyone. Thanks for the warm welcome. My name is <redacted>. I’m nineteen years old. Recently, I’ve come to the realization that… I have certain habits that are becoming detrimental to my health. I spend an insane amount of time on Instagram every day and it’s gotten to the point where I can’t even pee without taking my phone with me to the bathroom. And, yeah. I’ll admit that I’ve dropped my phone in the toilet a couple of times.”

[groans]

“Don’t worry. The water was almost always clean but the moment I realized that I really needed to seek help was when… a couple of days ago, I got into a pretty bad car accident. I was driving at around fifty miles an hour down a busy intersection when I got a notification that Taylor Swift had posted a new picture on Instagram. There weren’t any cars on the road in front of me and, I thought, “I’m pretty good at multitasking.” But I’m not very good, apparently. Because as I was swiping through the post, I ran a red light, and a giant truck crashed into the side of my car.”

[more groans and murmurs]

“Yeah, that’s also why the court ordered me to come to this facility… I mean, I could have died. As you can see, I broke my neck. Thankfully, there wasn’t even a scratch on my phone. But my car was totally wrecked. I actually caught a video of it getting towed away and posted it on my story. It’s in my Highlights. If you go to my profile on Instagram you can see it and… Oh shit. This is a rehab. I forgot they took our phones away. Fuck.”

Day 2

“I thought I had found the perfect solution for my problem two years ago. I was scrolling through Tiktok, and an ad came up for this lock-away box for my phone. So I bought one on Amazon and locked my phone away for seven days. But then I smashed the box open with a sledgehammer three hours in.”

[gasps and laughter]

“I’ve searched up so many different ways to spend less time on my phone. I downloaded meditation apps and I even started a Facebook group called ‘Social Media Addiction Awareness.’ After a whole year, I’m still the only member, probably because nobody even uses Facebook anymore. Maybe I’ll make one on Reddit or something when I get out…

But I hope being in this program will really get me clean. I finally have a support group and I genuinely appreciate it. Really, thank you.”

[applause]

Day 3

“Hey. So… I, um… it feels kind of empty. You know? I constantly feel like something is missing, and it’s only been three days. When I have my phone with me, I felt safe. It was like I constantly had a shield with me, or a way to escape…other people. “

[chuckles]

“It reminds me of when I lost my phone last year. So, like, I worked in a twenty-story building in the city and my office was on the twelfth floor. Nothing is more uncomfortable than a long elevator ride with a stranger, so I’d usually whip out my phone. Sometimes I just stared at the lock screen, since it allowed me to avoid awkward conversations with other people. It made me look occupied. 

But that day, I walked into the elevator unarmed. Defenseless. A man walked in after me. As we went up all twelve floors, I didn’t know where to look. I stared at the buttons, the door, the ceiling… I also made eye contact with the security camera. Did you know there were cameras in elevators? 

At one point, the man looked at me, which made me panic. Out of habit, I reached for my phone in my back pocket. But it wasn’t there. What are you supposed to do when you’re stuck in an awkward situation with a stranger, again? I thought to myself. You do your best.

So I greeted him with an enthusiastic ‘Good evening!’ at eight-thirty in the morning.”

[laughter]

“So, what I’m saying is my phone always made me feel protected from… the presence of other people. Without it, I’m just…naked and vulnerable. I don’t like the feeling of being seen, you know? It’s suffocating. This whole thing feels suffocating.”

Day 4

“…without the internet, it’s like I’m invisible. Maybe it sounds a little self-absorbed but I want to be noticed. Right now, I’m no longer connected with, like, half the people I know. It’s terrifying to think that to all those people, I no longer exist. I’m not being dramatic! I used to post on my Instagram story almost every day and suddenly, I just stopped. They probably think I’m dead.”

[chuckles]

“No, really! They probably think I died in that car accident or something.”

[laughter]

“But isn’t that a frightening thought…? That nobody knows what you’re up to? And that you have no idea what’s happening outside of your own headspace? I’ve never felt so alone, so disconnected…”

Day 5

“…I mean, yeah, I guess I could just talk to people, but how do I even go about doing that? I can’t edit shit in real life. I don’t know what I look like when I’m interacting with other people, which is unnerving. Hell, I don’t even recognize myself when I look at my own reflection anymore. I got so used to seeing myself through a camera with all its filters and edits that I forgot: I’m fucking ugly.”

[chuckles]

“And really, it’s kind of funny because I’ve seen so many inspirational quotes on Instagram that say ‘Love your body’ or ‘You’re beautiful the way you are,’ but then the next post will be an ad for diet pills.”

[laughter]

“And the pictures. Don’t even get me started on the pictures. They’re all perfectly staged, with those standard poses and strained smiles and… Even the ‘unfiltered’ moments are captured in a way that’s aesthetic and presentable.

 ‘I woke up like this?’ No, you fucking didn’t.”

[laughter]

“Stop lying.”

[laughter]

“I mean, there’s nothing wrong with wanting to be beautiful, but now we have a toxic expectation to be effortlessly beautiful. All the time. So, how is my Quasimodo-looking ass supposed to live up to those standards?”

[laughter and applause]

“No. Really. That was a real question. I want to know.”

Day 6

“‘I’m okay.’ That’s become some sort of mantra for me. Maybe if I say it enough times, it’ll be true. Right? #imokayimokayimokay. I just never anticipated that boredom could be so…boring.”

[chuckles]

“I’ll sit down to read a book and I’m not even halfway through the page before my mind starts to wander. The other day, I went to see a play at a theatre and I actually wondered if I could fast forward through the intermission.”

[laughter]

"Being alone with my own brain makes me want to put a bullet through my head.

[gasps and murmurs]

Oh, come on! It was a joke. It was a joke! And it's not like none of you haven't thought of it!

Never mind... It's just-

Nothing. I’m okay. I’m fine. Really. I'm okay.”

Day 7

“You know what my great aunt said to me once? Just out of the blue? 

She said, ‘People in the olden days didn’t have phones and they did just fine.’

The olden days. Everyone is always going on about how great things were in the olden days. 

You know what they did in the olden days? Piss in their laundry. Yeah. I learned that on TikTok, by the way. 

[chuckles]

To all the Boomers who don’t understand the struggle, let me break it down for you. You can either have all the information in all of human history in the palm of your hand… or not. It’s like saying humans can have the ability to create fire or eat raw meat and shit ice logs for all eternity. It’s a no-brainer choice. 

But for me, it wasn’t even a choice. 

Holy shit…

I had no choice. I HAD NO CHOICE.

 I. HAD. NO. CHOICE. 

Before I could even walk, I knew how to use an iPhone. Before I even knew how to read, I could recognize the word ‘Youtube’ like it was my own name. Before I even understood why my parents were always yelling and hitting each other, I knew that the ‘Volume Up’ button on my tablet meant I could drown out the terrible noises. 

I knew all this before I turned five. And how clever are technology companies for making gadgets so easy to use and appealing that even a toddler could learn to use them. And how convenient that their products have become infinitely profitable now that an entire generation of young adults — like me and you— feel crippled without a phone in our back pockets. 

Then older generations have the nerve to preach to us about phone addiction as if we don’t already know, as if we even had a CHOICE in the first place. There are age restriction laws on every drug imaginable. Not for the digital kind, though. We need our kids to be tech-savvy and dead inside.

Did you hear me?

I"M DEAD INSIDE!

I’m fucking done with this. When they put me in this rehab, I thought I could have some kind of control. I never did and now I know I never will out there. All my life, I have been nothing but a willing consumer. And no matter how much I change my perceptions, all I can ever become is an unwilling one. 

So, I’m done. I’m get me the fuck out of here. I SAID I”M FUCKING DONE.

DON’T TOUCH ME. GET AWAY. I SAID I"M— "

Subject A continues to attend individual therapy sessions at the rehabilitation center but has been temporarily excluded from support group meetings due to violent behavior. Any updates on the patient will be included in future reports.