Final Jeopardy

We come back from the commercial break and I’m ready to answer this final question. I’m feeling confident. I’ve done really well so far, but I’m still a little bit behind Carol from Cincinnati. If only I hadn’t gotten the question about the Byzantine Empire wrong during Double Jeopardy, then I’d be ahead. That was especially unfortunate since I’m a history teacher, but I’ll chalk it up to nerves. Anyway, I know I can make it up here in the final. I’m deciding to go big or go home and bet it all because the category is board games and I feel confident about my knowledge in that category. My friends and I have a board game night every week, much to my wife’s chagrin. I just hope Carol from Cincinnati knows nothing about board games and either bets small or answers incorrectly; I think I’d prefer the latter so I can rub it in her face. I look over at her, contort my face into a smile, and give her a thumbs up. Then, Ken reads the question, “In the game of Monopoly, this is the first space after ‘GO’.”

I hear the music start and I know I have 30 seconds to figure out the answer to this question, or really, the question for this answer. I’ve been listening to this short clip of music every night for almost 30 years, but I never realized how much anxiety it would bring now that I’m behind the podium. I do my best to drown it out as I focus on figuring out the answer.

Come on Jared, think! This is for all the marbles. I can finish paying off my student loans with this money. Or maybe I can go on that big international trip with my wife we talked about. Maybe that will repair our failing relationship. A guy can dream right? Okay, Jared, this isn’t the time to be having existential thoughts about the state of your marriage. We’re focusing on Monopoly. I’ve played it so many times with my family, and of course we always fight over it, but why can’t I remember what this stupid space is? I picture my trusty thimble traversing the board, and I can see myself tapping the piece onto the final space, “Boardwalk”, then “GO”, collect $200, then… Community Chest? No, that’s the second space. I’m picturing the whole board and of course there’s one blank spot in my head where the answer to this question is. Why can’t they ask a question about Settlers of Catan? That’s my favorite board game, so of course I’d know the answer to that. I cursed Billy Wisse, or whatever intern was behind this ridiculous question.

I took time off of work and spent a lot of money to travel here from Boston. If I have to face my wife after this, I’d at least like to be $15,000 richer. I feel my heart starting to beat faster and harder. I know I’m a fat piece of shit and I need to start working out more for my heart health, or whatever. Maybe this will be my wake up call. Go to your happy place, come on. You’re on the beach drinking a margarita and basking in the warm sun. As I quickly come back to reality I realize I had my eyes closed and hand out as if holding a drink like a complete idiot. That was embarrassing, but I can come back from it. I have to do what I practiced - when I feel overwhelmed, I focus on my breath. In through the nose, out through the nose. Okay, 10 seconds left. I wasted so much time being nervous that I haven’t gotten any closer to the answer. I look over and see that Carol from Cincinnati has already put her stylus down and has a sly smile. That devil woman! How is she so smart? What tricks does she have up her sleeve? I bet she’s communicating with someone in the audience using Morse Code in the form of blinking. I wouldn’t put it past her since she’s won 4 games in a row. Oh crap, I’m almost out of time. I scribble “What is Baltic Avenue?”, knowing it’s wrong, but not being able to come up with the correct answer. It’s the other property that’s brown, but I just can’t get to the right one. I know I’m going to kick myself as soon as I hear it. I won’t be able to live it down either. I can already hear my friends ribbing me for getting a question about board games wrong, and especially for losing to Carol from Cincinnati. She’s a lawyer, and we hate lawyers.

Ken addresses me. “Up next is Jared who bet it all. Let’s hope he’s right.” You and me both. My answer is revealed and I feel a knot in the pit of my stomach. I know I’m going to look like a fool in front of one of my personal heroes. “Jared, this might be the first time this has happened since I’ve been the host. I can’t read your handwriting. Can you tell me what it says?”

Thanks for adding insult to injury, Ken. 

“Uh… it says ‘What is Baltic Avenue?’.” What an embarrassment.

“Unfortunately, that’s incorrect, and you bet it all, so your total is now 0 dollars. Let’s go to Carol for her answer.”

Fucking Carol from Cincinnati, so smug. I’m sure she got it right. 

“Carol bet it all and she has the correct answer, which is Mediterranean Avenue. After doubling her money, with $15,375, our Jeopardy! champion for this game is Carol. This brings her total winnings across 5 games to $85,975. She will be going on to face new contestants and we’ll see if anyone can dethrone her.”

I clap along with everyone else, all the while gritting my teeth. I shake hands with Carol from Cincinnati and we exchange pleasantries because I’m trying to be a good sport. All I know is when I get home, I swear the first thing I’m going to do is burn that god damn Monopoly board.