Memory is a Scary Thing

22/10/2014, Wednesday, 00:30 

I can’t sleep. No surprises there. When was the last time I slept soundly through the night? Ugh I can’t even remember. Once I close my eyes all I see are nightmares. It’s so tiring. I wake up covered in sweat and unable to tell dreams from reality. And it’s not even that I dream of anything realistic. Although sometimes I do, and this is what I want this journal entry to be about. I had a dream yesterday about someone I used to love. We went to school together… 

I never had friends growing up and was never shown love by my parents or my siblings. I was this outcast. A boy no one wanted, and it happened that this boy – Charlie - showed me that that’s not how it has to be. That I am worth so much more. I wish our lives went differently. I wish we were different and didn’t end like we did. I wish I wasn’t like that but I was.

He was my older sister’s best friend. To be honest I was the reason they became friends in the first place, and I was happy they did because at that time I didn’t care about what I felt. I just wanted my sister to have friends because she was lonely. However, with time it became only more apparent to me that I fell in love (took me ages to admit to it and I never told anyone.) He was so cute and caring. He always asked how I was and always showed concern if I wasn’t feeling well. 

I remember when I was near tears in one of the English classes and after we finished class (which was the last class of the day) he stopped me and asked “Are you ok? You’re red in the face” and I said I’m just stressed and thanked him for his concern and walked away. When I reached the school library where I always left my coat, I heard his voice calling my name. He then asked again if I was ok. He followed me all the way from the back of the school, to the middle to make sure I was fine… (I then accidentally ripped my jacket which I still have 10 years after, and I still haven’t sewed it. Nostalgia I guess) This was something new to me. Someone caring so much for me. And so obviously I fell in love. Didn’t want to but I did.

Knowing he was my sister’s best friend meant I couldn’t get close to him, especially because it was clear that him and her were something more than just friends... it didn’t stop me from worrying and caring about him more than I cared about anyone else in my life. I would ask him if I saw (or thought) he wasn’t well. I would always buy him something to eat as he was a big sweets lover. Very quickly I began to think that the school day is going to be fun only if he’s in. And when he was too stressed to go to English class, I often ended up in the library because of how stressed I was about the class too and worried about him not being in. 

Because I didn’t have friends, I spent my lunch breaks in the library, watching him and his friends talk and play games. I loved doing that. At the end of the year I was able to draw him and write him so well. Even now after 10 years I can tell you exactly how he looked and how he walked and just presented himself… but I won’t.

Writing all this makes me feel so sad. Maybe because I know how much more happened… but I’m tired. It’s already 01:40. Not that I will be able to fall asleep. I’m just so miserable, so angry at how this innocent love ruined my school years. I was doing my leaving cert when I fell in love and I had never been as sad and frustrated as I was back then. If only I was able to control my emotions, if only he wasn’t so nice to me… for god’s sake, I had to repeat my leaving cert because I wasn’t able to study. All I did was go to sleep once I got home until the next morning. Maybe this is why I can’t sleep now.

03:14

I fell asleep a bit but another nightmare woke me up. I was locked in someone’s house and kept trying to get out but couldn’t… maybe it has something to do with these memories suddenly resurfacing. I wish I could get out of my head for once. Forget all that has happened, but I can’t. I still remember this one day when I met him again. We turned out to choose the same university to study in. Of course, he was already two years into his study. 

I was already over him, but he was so kind to me again…. So fucking kind. When he saw me, he said he’ll take me around the town. He took me to his apartment, introduced me to his friends… 

He asked me one day to drink with him and I agreed… I hoped it would lead to something especially that he told me he’d been in a relationship with a guy (I came out to him as gay so he told me) but I didn’t think something would really happen. 

We went to his apartment one weekend and drank and talked and I ended up on his lap. He was hugging me. Then he looked at me and said “Ethan, please kiss me” and I did. And I regret that I did. This ruined me completely. If I wasn’t sure that I was still in love with him then, I definitely was at this moment.

I ruined everything by agreeing to come to his house in the first place. I knew who I was. I knew I was in love and still went there. Still went to drink with him… and left as the only one feeling confused in my emotions. For him I was another kiss. Not out of hatred, just because he didn’t know how much I loved him and when I came over to tell him I love him he told me he kissed me because he missed my sister. This ruined me completely. I wasn’t angry but even now when writing it I regret so much that I went to him that day. That I happened to meet him. I hate myself for it so much. 

I haven’t seen him in like 10 years now and I hate how suddenly he came to my mind to make me feel nostalgic and then ruin me. He managed to so well. Now I’ll lay awake and have him on my mind. Why can’t I hate him? I never could. 

Memory is a scary thing.