Worth the World

Bailey looked to her left from the television at the knock that sounded at her door. She looked to her right where I sat next to her and shrugged, standing up to answer the door. She wasn’t pleased that you were the one who stood on the other side.

“Please, Bailey, let me talk to him,” you beg, skipping casualties altogether.

“He doesn’t want to talk to you, Erik. That’s why he’s been staying here all week. That’s why he turned off his phone.” Bailey looked at you with daggers in her eyes. She was angry at the careless hurt you caused me, trying now to protect my broken heart.

“Please, Bailey,” you try one more time.

“How about you fuck-off instead.” Your face drops with her cold tone and icy stare. Bailey looked to her left as I came to stand next to her, setting my hand lightly on her arm.

“Let him in, Bailey,” I tell her softly. With a contained protest, she opened the door wider to allow you entrance. “What do you want, Erik?” I asked once the front door was shut behind you.

You look to Bailey before glancing back to me. “Can we talk alone?”

I shake my head, my stance providing no opening to allow you entrance to my personal space. “No. You want to talk, so talk.”

You sigh dishearteningly before you look up for the briefest heartbeat. “I fucked up, Kai. I…what you said the other night…” You dragged your eyes to meet mine, your chest receiving a pang at the angry indifference you see in those fierce, blue depths. “The truth is, Kai, I…” You wrap your arms around yourself. “I’ve been in love with you since we were in high school.” The admission was whispered and choked.

“Bullshit, Erik,” I reply with malice laced with hurt in my voice.

“Kai—“

“No,” I interrupt, my heart breaking at your words, “you can’t expect me to swallow that. I’ve watched you bounce around and flirt and wind up with people like fucking Keith, people who beat and belittle you, and never once have you ever shown me even the minutest amount of interest. How do you expect me to believe that?”

“Why do you think that is, Kai?” You ask me so softly, your eyes cast to the floor. Bailey stood silent just feet away, a fly on the wall that has been forgotten, and wondered where this was going.

“Why? I don’t know, Erik. I’ve been trying to figure it out for years. What’s so horrible about me that you won’t even give me a second glance…since we were fifteen you’re all I’ve ever fucking wanted and you…” I pause as I attempt feebly to keep myself together. “I don’t know, Erik. You tell me, man.” I cross my arms over my chest, my breathing a bit heavier than normal.

You meet my eyes and see the pain reflected there. “Because you were the only one I ever really wanted. And the one I can never have.” Bailey frowned as she glanced between us. She’d seen you melt down plenty of times throughout our lives, but this was different than any time before it.

“What the fuck is that supposed to mean, Erik? You just assume this shit without ever talking to me about it?”

You shake your head and close your eyes. “What good can I offer you, Kai? You know me better than most…you really never saw the way I looked at you?” You look at me, your green eyes pouring the pain you’ve tried so hard to conceal; attempting to see if I never really saw how you felt. “You’re right, Kai, I never looked at you the way I looked at anyone else. And I never will.” You laugh in such a way that it breaks my heart.

“Why didn’t you ever say something?” I whisper, my voice quiet but full of pain, my voice shaking as I spoke.

“Because…even if we’d have gotten together…you’d have figured it out eventually. And I would rather love you and never have you than have you and lose you.” You close your eyes against the stinging behind them.

“Why would that happen?” I uncross my arms and take a tentative step towards you. “Why would you think that if I had you I’d ever let you go?” I stand face to face with you looking into unguarded eyes and run a gentle knuckle down your cheek.

“Because, Kai…you’d know…you’d learn how…really fucked up I am. How broken I am. And you wouldn’t want—“

“Erik,” I interrupt gently, “allow me to decide what I want, okay? I’ve only ever wanted to take away the pain and show you what love is.”

“I’m nothing, Kai. Why would you want me? My f-father told me all my life…Keith told me…they’ve all told me. My father when he would…” Shaking your head you take a step backward. Your biggest secret.

“Erik, look at me.” I waited until sorrowful eyes met mine.

“You’re not nothing. What your father did to you doesn’t change how I feel about you.”

“But you don’t know,” you argue, desperation and desolation in your voice.

“Baby, I’m a psychology major…you really think I don’t know?” You look at me then, eyes wide and disbelieving. I’m silent for a moment contemplating my next words before I am resolved to finally say something that had been close to my chest for many years. Just tell him. If you don’t tell him now you’ll never forgive yourself. With a sorrowful expression I tell you, “Who do you think turned him in, Erik?” Your eyes over flow and you shake your head in disbelief. You take a step back as I continue speaking. “You were staying at my house one night and you kicked the covers off you in your sleep. Your boxers had ridden up. I saw the bruising. The damage. And I put together why you said your back hurt so often. Why you couldn’t sit down some days without looking as if you wanted to cry and pass out. So I called the cops while you were asleep and reported him. I knew he was hurting you. I saw it when you looked at him. When he would casually touch you and you’d shudder away from him. I’ve always known, Erik. And I’ve loved you anyway.” I take a step closer to you once again and lightly grasp your hand.

You shake your head in continuous denial. “You…” Bringing your eyes up to mine you say, “I’m sorry, Kai. I’m sorry.” The sound that escapes you was more choking than a sob and I wrap my arms securely around you. “How do you not hate me? I’ve hurt you so much.” Your whole body is shaking with the force of your sobbing as I hold you together in my arms.

“That’s love, baby,” I whisper gently, my lips against his neck.

“I’m not good enough for you, Kai. I never will be. I’m nothing. Nothing but a used—“

“Stop,” I say, my hands holding your face in a gentle grasp. “Stop.” The demand was soft, accompanied by my thumbs catching any falling moisture. “Allow me to show you how beautiful you are. How worthy you are to be happy. You don’t have to be scared of me, Erik. I’m not them. I won’t turn into them. Let me show you what love is, baby. It isn’t accompanied by a swinging fist, or unwanted touches.” I pull you into my chest as your world crashes down around you at my words. Mine and Bailey’s eyes met with a lamenting gaze held between us before she, too, walked over and embraced one of her best and oldest friends. Bailey kissed your temple and whispered she loves you before excusing herself from the room to allow us the privacy we needed.

I pull you gently to the couch and once again take you into my arms again. “How can you love me, Kai? How am I worth your time?”

“Because I know you. The real you. The one that is sweet and caring. The one who smiles freely. The one who would do anything for the people he loves.” I pet your hair softly as I speak before kissing your forehead.

“I don’t know if I can be fixed, Kai,” you tell me brokenly.

“You don’t need to be fixed, baby. You just need to be loved. And love, my love, heals even the deepest wounds with time.” I smile gently at you as I captured more tears with a swipe of my thumb before you bury your face into my chest, your tears born fresh.

You hold onto me, your clinging grip on my shoulders bruising, as your emotional out pour continues. I whisper gently sweet nothings in your ear, holding you just as tightly in comfort as you’re holding me in fear.

Minutes pass like the seconds are frozen in time and all too soon are you pulling back to look at me. Your face is red and puffy and slick with tears, but I smile as I look at you. I wipe away the tears that reflect the sunlight coming in through the window. “You’re so beautiful,” I tell you, my smile widening some as you blush and look away.

You take a hitching breath as you bring your eyes back to mine. “Take me home, Kai. Please, can we go home?”

We’ve been roommates for years, but this week I’ve been bunking down in Bailey’s extra room, nursing the pain of my broken heart. I’d seen you, only days before, kissing someone with whom we are both aware is engaged to someone else. It hurt too much to come home, to see you, to pretend that I was fine when all I wanted to do was fall apart.

My heart lurches at your request but I nod my head in acquiescence, trying not allow my internal trepidation show on my face. “Alright. Let me go get my stuff and tell Bailey that we’re leaving, okay?”

You nod and I stand. You look at me, a terror in your eyes that I’ve never before seen in your eyes prior to that moment. The look pulled at my heartstrings and I bend down, slowly so as to not scare to, and cupping your cheek gently kiss your lips. “I’ll be right back. Just wait here, okay?”

Within the hour we pulled into our driveway. The ride home was made in awkward, heavy silence. Each of us lost in our own thoughts as we tried to come up with a pathway to travel once this conversation started back up once we got inside. I can see the questions running through your mind. The uncertainties and the fears and the lifetime of lies you’ve been hand-fed by those who were supposed to protect you, love you. I want to say something, anything, but my cognitive abilities failed me in that moment. I look at you for a moment before placing the tips of my fingers against your forearm. You look at me and I grin slowly. “Come on,” I tell you, “let’s go inside.”

You falter, your courage dipping as this moment looms over you. As you step out of the car, you remind me of a skittish animal; ready to bolt at the first given opportunity. We make it into the house without incident. As I follow you inside, I study you. The hunch of your shoulders. The lowering of your head and eyes in shame and lifelong self-deprecation. “Erik.” You stop, but you don’t turn around, your shoulders coming higher around your ears. I walk around in front of you, my finger under your chin, drawing your face up to meet mine. “Did you really mean it?”

You nod. “I’ve never meant anything more. But I’m so scared, Kai. I’m so scared and I’m so…broken. I’m so broken, Kai.” You lean into me, your hands grasping the front of my shirt, your forehead resting against my chest. “But I had to tell you. I had to tell you that I love you. I saw…I saw the look on your face the other day and I knew…and I had to tell you even if you don’t forgive me for kissing Basil. I need you. I need you to find me. It’s so dark here, Kai. Please find me. I can’t do this. I can’t do this alone anymore.”

I wrap my arms tightly around you, holding you against my chest as I try to hold both of us together. “You’re not alone, baby. I’m here. I’m right here. You just have to let me in.” Your cries increase with my words. “I’m not going anywhere. I’m not going to just…abandon you. I love you. I’ve loved you since before I knew that that was what I was feeling.”

“How do you love me knowing what he did? How can you love me without knowing the rest?”

“Erik,” I tell you gently, “what anyone did to you back then was not your fault. I don’t care. Not in the sense that it’ll make me love you less.”

“I don’t understand.” I don’t know if you say this to me or to yourself. I respond either way.

“Then let me teach you. Let me teach you that you’re worth being loved. That you’re worth being happy. That you don’t have to always be afraid. Let me show you that love doesn’t really come with bruises.” My voices wavers at that moment, my emotions swelling within me after being buried and locked away most of my life.

“I love you, Kai. I love you so much, but understand that I’m so scared. I’m scared and I don’t…I don’t want to lose you. I can’t handle it if you leave me. I need you in my life. You’re the only thing that’s kept me here. I would have given up so long ago without you. Please don’t let me go. Please…” You keep pleading with me, brokenly begging me not to leave.

I hold you tightly against me. “I love you. I love you so much. I’m not going anywhere, ‘cause I don’t know if you’ve noticed,” I pull back then to look you in the eye as my own tears now fall and mix on the floor at our feet, “but I kinda need you, too.” I rest my forehead against yours and lightly kiss you, tasting the salt water that hadn’t yet dried against your lips.

“Do you mean it?”

“More than I’ve ever meant anything.”

“Am I really worth it?” The question breaks my heart and I don’t try to stop as more tears lose against gravity, traveling down my face.

I look at you and try to smile through the tears. “You’re worth the world.”