Customer Satisfaction

“Thank you for calling Vigor and Vitality Supplements. Please be aware that this call may be monitored or recorded for quality assurance. My name is Mallory. How may I assist you today?”

“Well Mallory, I need to speak with someone about these good-for-nothing vitamins of yours.”

“What seems to be the issue with the vitamins, ma’am?”

“I’ll tell you the issue, Mallory. They ain’t worth the cotton ball that came inside ‘em.”

“I am sorry to hear—”

“Yeah, you sound real sorry.”

“—that one of our products was not what you expected. May I have the name of the supplement, as well as the date and location it was purchased?”

“I got ‘em down at the corner pharmacy ‘bout a week ago. Cost too damn much, but I’d hoped they’d help. Guess what Mallory. They didn’t.”

“I apologize, ma’am. What was the name and address of that pharmacy?”

“Well, why the hell you need all that? They didn’t make the vitamins. Your company did.”

“I just need to verify that the product was properly stored and—”

“I see what you’re doin’ Mallory. You’re tryin’ to place the blame on them. Those owners are good folks— been friends of the family for years. I ain’t rattin’ them out, so you can just move on to your next little question.”

“Alright ma’am, what is the name on the supplement bottle you purchased?”

“Well hell, let me get my reading glasses on. I didn’t know there was gonna be a pop quiz. It says here these things are called Postmenopausal Relief, and I’ve got to tell you, Mallory, they ain’t relieved a damn thing.”

“I am sorry for—”

“Save your breath, Mallory. Now, these pills here say they’re supposed to relieve mood swings and irritability— and I’m just as irritable as I ever was; more so since I started takin’ these things. It says they’ll help with low energy, weight gain, nighttime sweats, hot flashes… Now as far as the nighttime sweats and hot flashes go, I still wake up every mornin’ sweatin’ like I spent the night in the devil’s own bed.”

“Again, ma’am, I apologize—”

“It also says these things help with low libido and vaginal dryness— now, that ain’t any of your damn business, Mallory.”

“No ma’am, of course not. I didn’t ask—”

“Not that any of that matters anyhow. Not anymore.”

“Vigor and Vitality apologizes for your negative experience with one of our products, ma’am. I would be happy to offer you a voucher good for any supplement valued up to $24.99 on our website.”

“Now Mallory, why the hell would I want another useless bottle of pills that don’t do what they say they’re gonna do?”

“Ma’am, as stated on all of our supplements’ packaging, the statements made on our products have not been approved by the Food and Drug Admin—”

“So you’re liars then?”

“Every customer’s experience with our supplements may differ, based on age, previous health issues, diet and exercise—”

“Well ain’t that just convenient for y’all. You sell a poor old lady like me false hope in a plastic bottle, then you tell me it’s my own damn fault it ain’t workin.’”

“Unfortunately, we are not able to guarantee any results, but if the voucher is not to your satisfaction, we can send you a check for the purchase amount.”

“Well why didn’t you just say that in the first place, Mallory?”

“Well—”

“I shoulda known swallowin’ a bunch of pills every morning wouldn’t make no difference.”

“Oftentimes, the benefits of our supplements are subtle and can take several weeks or even months to be noticeable.”

“Sure, sure, that’s what my husband always said. A lot of good all them vitamins did him in the end.”

“Would you like to speak with one of our nutritionists, ma’am? They can further explain the—”

“Doctor said he was healthy as a horse, my husband. Well, I reckon horses get sick too, when they get old. I reckon horses drop dead from heart attacks too, no matter how many vitamins they take.”

“I—”

“Thirty-four years we were married. And I ain’t sayin’ it was perfect, Mallory, but we were happy most of the time. And this old house didn’t feel so damn empty.”

“I am sorry for your loss, ma’am.”

“Well damn Mallory, it ain’t your fault. It’s ‘bout the only thing that ain’t your fault.”

“No ma’am, I know that, but—”

“It’s his fault. And I still can’t forgive him for leaving me here all alone.”

“I imagine that must be very difficult, ma’am. I truly am sorry.”

“How old are you, Mallory?”

“I— I’m 26.”

“Are you married?”

“No ma’am.”

“Got a boyfriend?”

“Yes.”

“Do you love him?”

“I— can I get your mailing address, ma’am? For the refund check?”

“Do you love him, Mallory?”

“I— yes. Yes, I do.”

“Then why ain’t you married?”

“I… I really do need that mailing address, ma’am.”

“Oh, hold onto your britches, Mallory. You ain’t got nowhere else to be. You’re gettin’ paid by the hour, ain’t ya?”

“Yes ma’am.”

“Then what does it matter what you’re talkin’ about, so long as you’re talkin’ to a paying customer? Now tell me, Mallory, why ain’t you married yet?”

“Well… we have talked about it, but we thought we’d save up for a few years. He just finished Med school and—”

“He’s gonna be a doctor? Mallory, what the hell you doin’ workin’ in a call center?”

“Well, it will take several more years before he starts making any money. By then, he’ll have hundreds of thousands of dollars in student loan debt to pay back. Plus, I only do this job so I can work nights. My boyfriend does his residency overnight, and I wanted to be able to see him when he’s awake.”

“You really do love him, Mallory, if you’re willin’ to work nights talkin’ to cranky old ladies like me just to spend more time with him.”

“I do, ma’am.”

“Mallory, I’m gonna give you some advice, whether you like it or not. And you can take it or leave it, but you’re gonna listen to me ‘cause you ain’t got no other choice.”

“Yes ma’am.”

“I know old folks like me are always tellin’ young folks like you how fast time goes by, and that’s all well and true, but you can’t be expected to understand that ‘til it’s happened to you. Now, I know you feel like you’ve got a lifetime ahead of you, and you do, Mallory, but none of that money you’re savin’ up matters. Oh, I’m not sayin’ you oughta go pitch a tent in the woods and live off squirrels or nothin’ like that, but just remember you can’t take money and things with you when you die. All we can take with us are the lessons we’ve learned, the memories we’ve made, and the love we’ve felt. You understand, Mallory?”

“Y— yes ma’am.”

“You cryin,’ Mallory? I didn’t mean to make you cry, honey. I’m just talkin’ out of my head.”

“No, I appreciate your words, ma’am. I really do.”

“Well thanks for listenin’ to a lonely old woman. It's my first birthday without him, and I couldn’t sleep. I just couldn’t stand how quiet this house was.”

“Well, happy birthday!”

“Thank you, Mallory. Now listen, you put your boss on the phone now and I’m gonna nag him ‘til I’m blue in the face. And I’ll be demanding he give you a raise or I’ll threaten to call him back every hour ‘til he does.”

“Yes ma’am, I’d be happy to do that for you, but could I get your mailing address before I do?”

“Oh don’t worry ‘bout that, Mallory. I don’t give a damn ‘bout no refund.”

“Well I’ll tell you what. I’m going to mail you some vouchers anyway, and I’m going to include my personal extension so that you can call me anytime I’m here. I’d be happy to hear about your experience with some of our other products.”

“I can tell you right now— I ain’t gonna like ‘em, Mallory. I'm sure you don’t wanna hear me complainin’ anymore.”

“That’s perfectly alright, ma’am. It’s my job to listen.”