Try

Try, what does that word mean? To some, it may mean quickly looking over a set of history themed flashcards, or attempting to reach that shiny rock out of the depths of the lake you visit each summer. But to others it may have a deeper meaning, pulling all nighters only to get a fifty percent on a final and get yelled at for not trying hard enough. This generation some adults may question your definition of "I'm trying". You may try your hardest, blood sweat and tears, only to fall into the pits of failure, and you may not want to crawl out of that hole you know you will end up in once again. Then you have New Year's resolutions. The three words that both inspire and cause you to crumble away. Some reach their goals and others find more flaws to add to their never changing list of insecurity and flaws. What is a good New Years resolution? Something that seems impossible, losing one hundred pounds? Something as silly as getting out of bed to eat a meal? Does it have to be as meaningful to others as it is meaningful to you? Will others refer to it as meaningless, or an impossible dream, to far away from the ideal reality to reach? Some may say the whole idea of the New Years Resolution is a waste of effort. An effort that can easily be avoided with the turn of a pupil. How many goals have you set for yourself this year, how many have you accomplished? This year my personal goal was just to try. Not to lose weight like I was often pressured to, or to "act my age" like some adults scolded me to do. It didn't matter if I failed English 11, or if I broke my "Don't cry and let them get to you" record. I just had to try. The months were long, and the pressure even longer, but all I had to do was try. The new me, someone who could try. Not pressured, not forced. No more all nighters to try and pass a topic that squeezed at my brain, not to forgive that one family member that broke my ran with my trust. No more struggling for others. I would just try for myself. Some may call me selfish for wanting that kind of peace, the one where you can leave others words, and ideal thoughts about me behind. I'm not sure if that will ever happen, maybe that would have been one of my goals back when I had the endless energy to please everyone I came across. Not to show anyone who I really was, because no one could accept just that, it was not deemed good enough to the blonde girls in tube tops who would snicker behind my back, or the adults who would ignore me and my opinions because "Anyone under twenty five is stupid and their opinions do not matter." Life itself can make or break someone. Some may never reach their goals, and others will. Some may even need help finding their way, and others are those reliable few that will guide them. I honestly think New Years Resolutions are not about what you can and can not do, but what you think you are capable of trying as a person, and what you would do to try. A lot of people think it is about changing yourself, maybe your imagine or personality, but instead of focusing on all the things they are not, they should realise all the things that they are. The things that make everyone different in their own ways, the true beauty of humans is when they discover themselves for who they really are, and not the dull plastic mask they carry in their pockets. I myself carry one, I am still trying to let it go, maybe one day. Looking back, right here on January fourth, 2021 2:59pm as I type this, all that needed to be remembered from last year was that I tried. It may have seemed like a failure to others, but It had become faith for me. So instead of going into the New Year thinking about that diet, or about how your going to change your laugh because others think it's to loud, tell yourself to try. At what? Well only the person reading this can answer that. I'm not good at assuming, it should be something I should be proud of, but everyone should try. Not fail, not succeed, but try. Just try. Now just try does not half ass something meaningful to you, or just meaningful in general. Just trying means reaching your limits, not your moms, not your bullies, and not any person who won't take the words "I tried" to heart just because you have not reached what you want to touch yet. Work at a pace that works for you, make goals that are for you, not for anyone else. Life may seem long and a struggle more than a joy ride, but in the end you only get one life. Not three, not nine, just one. A life that shouldn't be filled to the brim with self hate or insecurities. Trying for myself has been something I have been thinking about for years, but my goals always turned out to be what others wanted out of me. Being a kinder person, losing weight, being more responsible, stop being lazy, be productive, hurry and choose a career, respect those even if they don't respect you, parents are always right, don't over eat, the list could go on. It was and still is heavy in my mind, and sometimes it bothers me that I will never be as perfect as they want me to be. Never a perfect student, never a perfect sister, never a perfect daughter. But I have come to realize that these things I carry do not have to be perfect, or even close to such a toxic word. All I have to do is try. Now in 2021, as I sit here writing in the dark with a small furry body in my lap and the soft glow of my moon lamp, for the first time in years I feel the content release of letting go, I didn't worry about what anyone else thinks about my choices. For the first time in a decade all I had to do was try.