Journey of a black child

CW: killing, violence

"Life is but a stopping place, a pause in what's to be a resting place along the road to sweet eternity. We all have got different journeys we must take and on this journey we are bound to learn something but never meant to stay.

It is a journey filled with hardships lessons special moments and heartaches. Though the road will not always be smooth in fact we will encounter lots of challenges along the way that will test our strength, weaknesses, courage and faith."

I am Ntsakiso Mhlanga."Ndzi ntukulu wa vandawu."I am a proud mother of 2.Now that you have gotten to know a little about me let me indulge you in this journey of mine.

It was a beautiful morning and nature had never had such beauty to behold.I had to rush to work and there was no one to leave my beautiful twins with, so took them to my mother Jane. When we got there I first went out so that I can talk to her but when I got there I found her laying in a pool of blood and I couldn't take my babies in, so I immediately called the ambulance... luckily they got there on time .To see my mother in this condition makes me thirst for the blood of the person who did such to my mommy, who was her fiance whom had been abusing her for months in the same manner in which my father abused her. As I was in the hospital I kept recalling the events of the past..The horrific day that I swore never to look at men the same again.

I kept seeing what had happen as if it were the present...My grandmother was outside knitting some beads for my coming of age celebration as I was indoors doing my make up and suddenly a group of men came by to rob us .... it's as if they knew that my grandmother had some huge sum of money that she got from my grandfather's death....Just when she was about to call for help the killed her in cold blood. Suddenly it became dark and I found myself in pitch black darkness. And then I felt a tap on my shoulder so I then snapped back to reality. "Oh doctor it's you," I said he had come to tell me terrible news about my mother ."Unfortunately we couldn't save your mother she had serve damage in her kidney," she said

Days past and we buried my mother and my kids had never looked so sad in their lives before. I suddenly had flashback about how these two were conceived...

I was going home from my grandmother's house and when I got home I cooked and cleaned and I was only 15 at the time ..so I heard a knock on the door and it was a familiar face and he stated the reason he had come by "I came by to see ur parents. Are they home?" he asked

I told him they weren't home so instead of him leaving he came into the house forcefully and he complimented my floral dress I quickly ran to my bedroom ....after a few minutes he had taken my innocence away from me.

I found myself crying alone in a corner after I had snapped out of the flashback then I took a belt then started to hit my children with no reason whatsoever. The next day I called the social worker realising that they weren't safe in my hands they had to be taken care of until I get help.

I then had gotten rid of them and I thought I would live in peace . At work I kept thinking about the decision had I had taken but I kept convincing myself that it was the right thing to do.

When I got home my mind started playing mind games with me ...I saw the man that took my innocence away from me. Kept hearing voices and didn't know what to do so I ran and ran until I couldn't no more... I was afraid to go into my own house so I hid in my neighbor's house for a few days. One day as we were having breakfast I suddenly had to recall how my grandfather died right infront of my eyes

It was a rainy day and a rainbow was shining on the east .My grandfather came back from work and when he got there he took a nap so in his nap he had a sezuire so my mother said and I went to wake him up and I saw him shaking in his sleep and having bubbles in his mouth then he suddenly stopped breathing ...My neighbour asked me what was wrong and I came back to reality all I said was "Nothing"

She told me that she would be out of town so she asked if I could move back home then I said yes because I saw myself better, she gave me a card to see a doctor who would help me and I stared at the card when I got home and then came to the conclusion to call her and set an appointment.

After the session she diagnosed me with PTSD. I didn't refuse knowing the past events in my life and how I witnessed them .

I stayed in the facility for 5 to 6 months to get some help and I went to a hepnotherapist who had been such a great help to my life she taught me that my past doesn't define my future nor does it define me......

I called the the social worker so that we can discuss bringing my daughter's back to me. She asked me if I would never repeat the same thing again and I said yes I will never repeat the things I did ever again.

I finally had my daughters back and I told them the whole story and the reason behind my tears and fortunately they understood. And we lived happily ever after until...