Philip's Family

** This story contains sensitive content (mental health, trauma, violence), one use of strong language.

It was time we got out of the house. I proposed that we go fishing at the old spot my father used to take me when I was younger. It was the perfect outing to spend quality family time together. Just me, Julia, Allie, and Leo. Julia told me from the start after picking Allie up from the camp that we’d need to spend as much quality time together as we could before she’d move on. I didn’t know if she was talking about college or not. Allie never mentioned college to me. We never really talked about it. We never really talked about much. It was my fault. I was a terrible father. I blamed myself for it everyday. Allie didn’t want to leave camp. She was being a stubborn teenager. I had to practically drag her to the car. She hated me. I couldn’t blame her. Maybe she wasn’t being stubborn. I was just being a terrible father.

It had been three weeks since I picked her up from camp. Allie was sad at first. Then she was angry. Then she was quiet. Maybe she was still sad. I never really asked her. Even after reconnecting, we still never really talked about much. She stayed holed up in her room, locked away from the world. Julia told me to give her space. She’d handle her. In the meantime she told me to connect with Leo some more. Leo was young and full of wonder. He liked coloring in the coloring books we gave him. I tried my best to be the good father I wanted to be around him. Leo was easier to be around than Allie. He was curious and playful. But he often became too curious, asking questions I didn’t have the answers to or the heart to give him the truth. Leo was pure. I was messed up most of the time. I always needed Julia’s guidance. She knew what to do. She was the perfect mother and I always told her she would be before we had our first child. 

I thought I was doing better now. I had the answers. I had the courage. Julia didn’t need to assist me. I knew what I was doing. It only took me a few weeks to get better. 

We went fishing for two hours today at the spot. The beach was mostly empty. A jogger here and there, a few friends and families passing by. I focused on my own family. Julia caught three fish, all too small to be kept. She let Leo toss them back in. I tried to get Allie to join in with fishing. She was too distracted—or ignoring me. I didn’t want to get upset with her. Maybe she still needed time. But how much? “She’ll come around, Philip.” Julia told me once or twice in the past few days. Still, she never told me how long it would take. Was there a time frame for this kind of thing? I never knew. Why couldn’t Allie be more like Leo? He never gave us much trouble. 

After fishing, I drove us down the highway and stopped at a little diner on the side. We got out of my truck and headed for the diner’s entrance. I pulled my glasses from the case inside my interior jacket pocket and put them on. God, I hate these things, I thought. And I did; I should’ve gone for contact. Julia was in conversation with Leo behind Allie and I. I held the door open for Allie and she slipped inside before Julia and Leo. I was about to go in when I noticed a sweet-looking old lady approach. She wore her gray dreadlocks in a tower-style on her head. Fixing a smile, I gave her the old-fashioned tip of my cap and remained holding the door for her. “Thank you, baby.” Her voice was as sweet as her face. 

“You’re welcome, ma’am.” I told her and slipped inside behind her. I passed by the old lady when she picked up a newspaper from a stand at the entrance. Julia had already found a table. I slid into the booth next to Allie. She sat across from Leo against the window, staring down at the table. Was this right? I looked at Julia. She seemed to read my mind and gave me a smile and a small nod. A waitress was coming over with a pad and pen in hand. She was blonde, had a pretty smile. I adjusted my glasses and smiled back. 

“Welcome to The Offroad,” the waitress, whose name tag read Lucy, greeted us. “Can I get you all started with drinks?”

“Hi, Lucy, you may.” Julia replied. “A lemonade for this one and I,” she grinned down at Leo who smiled up at Lucy and waved to her. “Allie, hon, what’ll you take?”

Allie didn’t speak. She didn’t even look up at Lucy. I clenched my fists on my lap, nudging her with my shoulder. That gentle touch was enough to wake her from her trance of boredom. “Water, please.” Lucy jotted that down. 

“And you, sir?” She asked me.

“Coke,” I answered. Lucy clicked her pen, told us she’d be right back with our beverages, and glided away. I looked at Allie who glanced at Leo, who gave her a soft smile, and then looked out of the window. It had gotten darker since we left the beach. The clouds were purple and blue puffs of stretched-out cotton. The moon peeked out from behind one of the clusters of purple-blue. “Hey,” I kept my voice low. “You okay?”

“What do you think?” Her answer was so quick it took even me by surprise. She was quiet again. A few seconds passed and she whispered, “I just want to go home.” She said the exact same thing when I picked her up from camp. It didn’t make sense to me. She already didn’t want to come home with me and then I was already taking her home. But she was angry. She wanted to be holed up in her room again. She wanted to be anywhere but here, with her family. Anywhere that didn’t include me. It pained me. I was still a terrible father. Either Julia was wrong or that time frame I was wondering about was longer than expected. I was becoming impatient—no, I was already impatient. I didn’t need to do better. She did. Allie needed to accept this is life now. She needed to get a grip. 

I saw Leo wave at Allie. Allie was still looking at the window. She paid him no attention. Leo giggled. He waved again. This time I turned around. That sweet old lady was a few booths behind us. She had her hand up, waving at Leo while wearing a big smile on her face. Then her brows furrowed and she looked down at her table. I turned away and eyed Leo. “Stop that.” He stopped waving. I could hear the heels of his feet kick against the seat as he swung his legs beneath the table. That’s what he did in timeout whenever he did something wrong. Sit down, swing his legs. It at least kept him quiet. 

Lucy came back with our drinks. We had them not for ten seconds and Leo spilled his lemonade all over his lap. Julia gasped, quickly standing up from the booth. “Oh, Leo,” she pulled him away from the table and had him stand next to him. Lucy offered to get napkins. Julia declined, “No, but thank you. Philip? Can you please take him to get cleaned up in the restroom?”

“Sure,” I stood. “Order for us.” I told Julia and put my hand on Leo’s shoulder, walking him to the bathroom. 

“I’m sorry,” Leo said to me along the way. 

I sighed and forced my calm, fatherly voice, “Don’t worry about it, buddy.” In the bathroom, there was one closed stall at the furthest end. A red-haired man was washing his hands. Leo waved to him and the man waved back.

“Uh-oh! Someone’s had an accident!” The man dried his hands off with a wad of paper towels.

“It’s lemonade.” Leo told him. What was he doing? Did I have to remind him of the dangers of talking to strangers every time? I turned him towards the sink and started grabbing some paper towels from the dispenser, attempting to block the man’s view from him.

“Leo, let’s get you cleaned up.” I told him. 

“Hey, good luck with that. And try not to have any more lemonade accidents, right little man?” The red-haired idiot spoke again.

Leo started to laugh. I ignored the man’s comments and continued to help dry Leo off. When the guy finally left, I let out the breath I’d been holding in. What a night it’s been. What a few weeks it’d been. First Allie being irritating, then Leo acting up in public. Julia would know what to do. As much as I was dreading it most days, I was doing this for her. How did she remain the backbone of this family when she was the first to break so long ago? She pushed me to do better. She pushed me to achieve the perfect family. And I promised her I would do that. But now I was questioning my motives. I was questioning my parenting. I was questioning what would happen after.

It hit me that I hadn’t used the bathroom since leaving the house all those hours ago. The urge to go was strong. I almost had Leo wait for me but then remembered Julia should still be at the table. I let him go out before going to relieve myself at one of the urinals. Afterwards, I washed and dried my hands and exited.

I walked towards the booth we all once sat together at. Empty. The old lady wasn’t at her table either. I looked out of the window and at my truck. Nobody was out there. Still, I had to make sure. I walked out without even thinking to ask anyone inside if they’d seen Julia or our kids. The truck was for sure empty. Nobody was inside. I turned around and went back inside the entrance where the newspaper stand was. I hadn’t seen the papers inside before. I felt my throat tighten. You fucking moron, I thought. And that’s what I was. I looked to the side and saw Julia walking back to our booth. I hurried in after her. 

“Philip,” she said when she saw me, “where…are our kids?”

At first I was angry. I wanted to yell at her for leaving Allie alone. Julia just came from the bathroom. She didn’t even think to bring Allie with her. But I didn’t yell at her. I had so many things I wanted to say. I wanted to tell her I didn’t know where the kids were. I wanted to tell her this was a bad idea. All of it. Pretending to be a big happy family, pretending that everything was and will continue to be okay, pretending that Allie would give in. It would never happen. And part of me hoped that Julia would know that too. But she didn’t. She was happy with her family. The family I put together. The family I stole to give her.

Most importantly, I wanted to tell her about the paper at the entrance. I wanted to tell her that Leo’s face was on it. I bet there was another paper, or even in the same one, that had Allie’s picture in it too. I wanted to tell Julia that our kids weren’t our own. I wanted her to face reality. We were wrong. Everything we were doing was wrong. I wanted to help her. She cried so many nights. We tried so many times for our own child. It never happened. 

I wanted to tell her it all. But there was no time. Lucy and another male coworker who had come from the bathroom had already blocked the back exit. The red-haired man from the bathroom was closing in on the front entrance. There was no time to tell Julia. All I could do was take off the glasses I didn't need and look out at the dark skies outside the window. My eyes shifted to a particular vehicle in the parking lot. It was the old lady’s car. And there, inside of it, she was sitting next to Allie who had Leo on her lap. 

Allie got her wish. She would finally go home. The world would finally know what happened after she went missing from camp.