SAY WHAT YOU MEAN, JOHN ALDEN

SAY WHAT YOU MEAN, JOHN ALDEN

By

Les Clark

Sarah. Hi, it’s Lenny.

I know that. I have Caller ID! Lenny, hello. How are you?

Not bad. I’m lying. I need a shoulder, couch, and a confidante. I was wondering if you had a few minutes?

Only a few, Len. I wish I didn’t I’m working on supper for Marvin and the girls, but I can talk and stir at the same time. Hint! Take the hint!

Listen, you’re busy and I’m imposing. Oh, sure, I need help and she’s busy. Can I call you back?

Lenny, that’s a better idea. Amazing you got a clue. How about calling back about eight. Eight next Thursday. But I have such patience what did you want to talk about? Like I didn’t know already.

Uh, I need some advice about Sloan. I want her so bad. Please let’s keep this between us.

Okay, Lenny, Marvin and the girls are urging me to pour my spaghetti sauce on some angel hair so let’s chat later. But not before I call Sloan.

Sloan, it’s Sarah. Do you have a minute to talk? Oh, girl, you gotta know what’s coming.

I’m great but that jerk, Aaron, what a jerk! got himself in trouble again. Why do I bother? Anyhow, you called.

Aaron’s in trouble again? Hey, it’s your life but here’s something close to chew on. How do I start this? Lenny called tonight. Guess what he wanted to talk about, or better yet, who?

OMG! Was he crying? Whining? What a wuss! Yes, I know he survived combat. So?

Oh, Sloan, you are so bad. Crap! Why am I in the middle of this?

I’m sorry, Sarah. He’s a really nice guy. I see how he looks at me, like pets at the shelter hoping for adoption. We have great conversations at the library. He’s smart but, for a Marine... shy.

Sloan, he has feelings for you but doesn’t know what to do. You don’t know the half of it. He’s calling me back in a little bit. He wants advice. What should I tell him? Why me God?

Sarah, what do you think he’s going to ask? Oh, I know what he’s going to ask. Like have I mentioned his name, and do I mind a prosthetic foot ? I can’t imagine what it was to clear mines.

Probably if he’s come up in conversation, Sloan. He probably writes your name surrounded by little hearts. Text me what I can do. But I’m not gonna give him any encouragement until I hear from you. Gotta go, Jessie and Samantha need baths. Love you. I think Lenny does, too. Some lust as well in there, I guess.

Sarah, it’s Lenny again. Do you have just a few minutes? Please! Please? Please!

A herd of squirrels in heat can take down the grid, why not the phone company tonight? Hi, Lenny. I just gave the girls baths, so I don’t have much time. I’m reading to them shortly. I’ve read this so often, I can recite it by heart. You’re active in the library. You can relate. Isn’t that where you and Sloan meet for Book Club? Take the hint.

I won’t keep you, Sarah. Wait! What did she just say? How about what I’d like to share about Sloan and maybe, based on that, you can give me some advice. I want to move on from Moby Dick to Maybe Lenny. And please don’t say anything to her yet, okay?

Lenny, this is important to you. Boy, you have it bad. I won’t say anything. Much. Bye.

Sloan, it’s Sarah again. I just spoke with Lenny. Yes, girl, yet again. Grab hold of something. Time is short. Jessie and Samantha are calling for the thousandth reading of Frozen. I don’t even need the book anymore. And Marvin is rolling his eyes. Stop tapping your foot!

Sarah, you don’t have to get involved. The twins are more important. Didn’t that Lenny boy give orders in the Service? Tell him he’s got to speak for himself. Like that Pricilla woman said.

No, hun. My heart goes out to him. It’s got to be lonely on deployment. Anyhow, I’ll wait for him to call. I’m pretty sure he likes you. Wants you, is more like it. Bye for now. Don’t I have relatives in Cleveland who need me? Peru? The Arctic?

Okay, I’ll admit Len has possibilities. Love you, Sarah. Bye for now. Aaron better not get in the way.

Love you, Sloan. I think Len wants to love you but give it time.

Sarah, it’s Len again. Is ten too late? Is this a good time? If I don’t talk to someone, I’m going to explode.

Aaaarrrgggghhhh!!! Hi Len, always good to hear from you. I’m going to Hell for lying. This Sloan thing must really be weighing you down. I’m hoping for cement shoes. By the way, you know it’s late and Marvin is yawning. Yearning, too, I’ll bet.

Well, here’s the thing. I’ve developed strong feelings for her. Like I can’t stand sometimes. I knew it the second I met her. She looks right at me when we speak. I can’t help it if my eyes wander. And, you know, my situation doesn’t seem to bother her.

I’m going to throw up and it won’t be pretty. Len, you haven’t said anything to Sloan, have you? Am I the first person you’ve talked to? Please try your mom.

I’ve been holding this in. Except when I’m holding…I haven’t had a date in a long time and want to go out with her but afraid I am.

Am I talking with Yoda now? You’re afraid of what? Weren’t you a squad leader in Iraq? Something dangerous? That she’ll turn you down? You don’t know what she’ll say. Get a grip and set me free.

There’s another thing. Sloan and I have a great time in Book Club. She’s so smart. Articulate. She’s probably told you about our conversations. Pillow talk conversations would be nice. Oops! I’m getting ahead of myself, aren’t I?

Hold your horses, Marvin! Listen, Len, here’s a thought. Remember how you motivated your guys with your sergeant skills? After the next Book Club, just ask her out for coffee. Lunch. Something simple. Use the book as a pretext. I’m getting an unlisted number.

Sarah, do you think that’ll work. It seems so simple. Sarah must think I’m a simpleton.

What a simpleton! Yes, Len, it’s simple. Remember Occam’s razor? The simplest solution often works.

Sarah, one last favor. I have to go to the john. Please don’t say anything to her. I’ll handle it. Like the handle on the toilet.

Len, you have my word. But my crossed fingers have no conscience. Oh, finally, Sloan volunteers at the VA and she told me she’s seen far worse. Your circumstance is NBD to her. Good night already, Len. Okay Marv, momma is on her way.

NBD? What the hell is that?

Sloan, it’s Sarah. First and only call of the morning. I promise. Ha! With Len last tonight...who knows? I’m going to arrange lunch or supper for the four of us. Hey Marvin, your face will freeze like that. You and Lenny can talk Patriots and tanks.

Aw, Honey, do I have to? Uh, oh, there’s that look. Funny...the Patriots have tanked.

So Sloan, I’m dubbing you “sandcastle.” Capisce? I’m wetting myself over this. Your response, if he makes a move, is “The tide is coming in.” Marvin heard this foolishness. Said I have to respond, “Roger Wilco.” I have no idea. He also told me to say, “Over and out.” What a nerd. So, over and out. I’m changing my phone number. And the door locks. How much is it to Peru?

The tide? Sarah is calling Len what? I’m the “sandcastle?” Not very clear. She’s going to fix him up with me? I’ll bet he wants to lower my drawbridge.

Facilitator: Okay, folks, after last month’s disaster about Moby Dick and your juvenile tittering we are wrapping up this month’s book club discussion of the old classic, Huckleberry Finn. Huckleberry Hound was more your speed. And I want to thank you for showing up but don’t come back. I have another group who aren’t dullards coming in a few weeks I’m lying but there’ll be an on-line sign-up sheet. As soon as you zipper-heads leave, there’s a pint of vodka in my shoulder bag. Len! Lenny? Are you and Sloan staying? Shut the lights on your way out. I’ll bet they want the lights out now.

Sloane, now that everyone is gone, can I talk to you? Don’t lose it, man.

Sure. He might as well have it written on his forehead. What’s up?

This is tougher than going on patrol. We’ve been friends for a while. Well, here at least. I really like your company. God, I want you so bad! So, I was hoping we could have supper with Sarah and Marvin this Friday night. And dessert later. I better not say that aloud.

Yes, Sarah suggested the same. Gee, I don’t know, Len. His eyes are blinking like he’s sending a message in Morse Code. Nice eyes, though. I’m honored you want to have supper with me, but Aaron could make bail. It’s kind of short notice and I thought my mom needed help getting the kitchen ready for paint. That’s my best, honest voice. She’s not good on a ladder. Check.

Does she think I’m a dumbass? I moved soldiers with hand commands. Hey, before the Marines, I worked at Home Depot for a summer. I mixed paint. I could help. I know all about rollers and tape and paint prep. I’ll get you paint chips and color folders. Checkmate.

Uh oh! Hold on, that’s my phone. I have to take this. I’ll be right back. Crap on a cracker, it’s Aaron.

Hey, babe. I don’t have much time with this call. My lawyer can’t get the bail reduced. I shouldn’t have shown the gun. The next hearing isn’t for three months. I could get a few years if this goes south. You better not be cheating on me. Can you visit this weekend?

Gee, uh, Aaron, I can’t. Where did that jerk get a gun? My mother is sick in bed and I’m painting the kitchen. I hope that sounded sincere. And that hundred thousand in bail; no one has that. Thank you, Jesus. Aaron, my mom needs me. Gotta go.

Len, I just heard from my mom. She can’t make up her mind on the color scheme. Did I tell you she’s color blind? We’re on for supper. And if you play your cards right, dessert could be in your future. I’ll give Sarah a heads up.

Ooh-rah.

Hello Sarah. The tide is in, and I suspect it’s rising.