Take What You Can Get

Jenn stood in the hall, the smell of disinfectant sharp in her nose, the constant beeps and sounds of the hospital distracting. After being told for days to wait, the doctor had finally cleared her husband for a visit. This was to be the first time in months she would see him awake after the accident.

The nurse stopped her, his hand on her shoulder. “I should warn you; he may not seem the same as you remember him. Doctor Vishal says that after an injury like that, he may be someone else, someone new. Every experience shapes our personality, especially traumatic ones.”

Jenn nodded. “Yes, he made that clear to me. He said Carl was emotionally stunted and a bit . . . blunt right now. I can handle it.” She entered the room.

Carl raised his head and laid back down with an, “Oh, it’s you.”

“Are you not happy to see me?” she asked. “I can leave and come back later if you’re not up to it.”

“I like that you’re here,” Carl said, “but I knew you’d be coming anyway. I’m curious to see who else will turn up though.”

“Do you know how long you were out?”

“The doctor told me, but I can’t remember.” He shrugged and scratched at his head. “I guess it just wasn’t important enough to remember.”

“You were out for three months,” she said. “Everyone’s come and gone, and most won’t be able to come back for at least another week or two.”

“Makes sense. I’d probably wait a while to see if I’m really okay before I visit.” He struggled to sit up. “It’s not uncommon for patients to seem to be doing better right before they die. Why visit the hospital when you can wait for the funeral to make an appearance?”

“Why would you say that?” Jenn helped him sit up. “You’re going to do some physical therapy and walk out of here in no time.”

“That’s far outside the realm of probability,” he said. “I’ll most likely leave in a wheelchair and it’ll take a few months before I can do much walking, if ever.”

Jenn took his hand in hers. “I refuse to believe that. You’re a fighter, you’ve always fought through.”

“I’ve always faked it,” he said. “I can’t anymore. The facts are there and I’m not in a position to dispute them.”

“So what, you’re not even going to try to get better?”

“Of course I will. Whatever the science says. If it’s likely to be beneficial to my physical recovery, yes.” He pursed his lips. “If it’s just to make me feel better emotionally or mentally then no. It’s a waste of my time and energy, both of which are limited.”

“How can you say that?”

“The truth is the truth. Whatever you might feel doesn’t change that.”

“And what about your feelings?”

“I have none. I don’t think I’ve had any real emotions since I woke up. Curiosity, sure. Happy, sad, up, down, love, hate, any of that? None.”

“I love you, Carl.”

“I know,” he said. He pursed his lips.

“What are you thinking?”

“I’d rather not tell you,” he said. “I may not feel anything, but I don’t want to hurt your feelings.”

“Please,” she said, her eyes brimming with tears. “Just tell me.”

“You should divorce me. I know what it takes to make you happy, but I’m no longer capable of that.”

Tears drew tracks down her face. “You don’t know that it’ll be like that forever,” she said. “You might recover.”

“From what the doctor said, the chances of that are slim. Even if it happens it could take years. During that time, you should find someone that makes you happy.”

“If you don’t have any feelings then why do you care whether I’m happy?”

He laid back down. “It seems like the fair thing. I’m pretty sure I loved you, and you made me happy. I remember that. I also remember the times you annoyed me, pissed me off, or just got on my nerves, and how often I did the same to you.

“But on the whole, I think you made me more happy than unhappy. I don’t think it’s fair of me to expect you to stay miserable and stick around hoping for a miracle.”

Jenn kissed his forehead. “You may not be able to feel right now, but you don’t get to decide my life for me. I’ll stay with you for as long as it takes.”

“That’s your decision. It will make it easier to get to and from therapy to have a built-in ride. In all fairness, though, you should know that I still require assistance to get on and off the toilet, or into the shower chair. The therapist says with some work I should be able to do all that myself in six to eight weeks.”

“Yeah,” she patted his hand, “you will, and more.”

“I probably won’t be able to hold a job,” he said. “I’m too abnormal at this point. The nurses talk, and not always quietly enough. Some of them are uncomfortable around me. That wouldn’t translate well to the work world.”

“What about me?” Jenn asked. “How am I feeling right now?”

He studied her face. “I don’t know. I can’t tell. I see tears, but I don’t know if they’re sad or happy or pain tears. Your face is just . . . you. I’m damaged goods. Before you get any older you should leave me and find someone else; take what you can get out of this life.”

“You have no idea how much I missed you, and in how many ways.”

“Physically too, I would guess?” Carl asked. “If you stick around until the next nurse’s shift, she helps me shower. I overheard her talking about picking up couples. Something about no worries about commitment. I would find pleasure in sex with her and you at the same time.”

“You . . . have no filter, do you?”

“Maybe? I wasn’t going to tell you to divorce me until you asked.” He sighed. “There’s no time for playing coy, I may still drop dead from an aneurysm tonight. The doctor said that was a risk.”

“Carl, I want you to do something for me.” Jenn leaned in close and looked into his eyes, her hands holding his face in a soft embrace. “Tell me everything’s going to be okay.”

“I can’t. There’s no way I could know that.”

“Just lie to me,” she said, “and tell me it’s going to be okay.”

“Why?”

“Please.” Tears once again ran down her cheeks. “Say the words, ‘Everything will be okay.’ Can you do that for me?”

“Everything,” he began, then faltered.

“Try again, baby, try again. ‘Everything will be okay.’ Say the words.”

“Everything will be what it is. Weird, I can’t say it.”

“Can’t, or won’t?”

“Can’t. Hold something up.”

Jenn held up a cup.

“That’s a cup.” His eyebrows knotted. “I wanted to call it a dolphin, but I couldn’t. I knew the words I wanted to say in my head, but that’s not what came out.”

She held up a pen. “Let’s try smaller. Tell me this is a pencil.”

“That’s not a pencil. Wait . . . that’s a pen. I mean, it’s a pen.” Carl pursed his lips. “That’s odd. I need to tell Doctor Vishal about this.”

“So, you can’t lie even to make me feel better?”

“While it would come in handy, it seems that I’m unable to do so.”

“What do you think of my hair?”

“Makes you look older. Your old style was better.”

“Ashley thought it was cute. You remember her: the neighbor you hated?”

“I didn’t hate her. She’s hot and I didn’t want to be tempted like that to cheat on you. It was easier to pretend we didn’t get along than to be left alone with her. She kept hitting on me whenever you weren’t there.”

“Why didn’t you tell me?”

“Didn’t want to bruise your ego.” Carl shrugged. “We both know she’s hotter than you, but I wasn’t with you just for your looks. Bringing that up would have triggered your insecurities and I didn’t want to deal with that, so I took the easy way.”

“And what about bruising my ego now?” she asked. “Did you think about how I would feel when you told me that Ashley is hotter than me?”

“No,” he said, “I didn’t. I apologize for my oversight.”

“So, did you ever cheat on me with Ashley?”

“No. Not with anyone. I didn’t cheat with your cousin either, even though she offered, and I was tempted. I thought about it and fantasized about it some, but never acted on it.”

“My cousin is gorgeous. I guess that helps my ego some.”

“I’m getting tired. Maybe you should go now and come back when I’m more rested.”

Jenn leaned down and gave him a soft kiss. “I’ll do that.”

“Oh, you should call James. You like hanging out with him. I know you still love him and maybe you’ll realize he can make you happy and you’ll divorce me for him.”

Jenn’s eyebrows shot up. “You what?”

“Huh, I meant to stop at you like hanging out with him.”

“At least I’ll always know your motives.”

“I could only fool you sometimes before, anyway.” Carl slammed his fist down on his thigh. “Ugh! I wanted to say, ‘I could never fool you, anyway,’ but that’s not what came out.”

“I love you,” she said.

“I find your company a welcome distraction,” he replied, “but tell your brother and his wife I’d rather not be bothered with theirs.”

Jenn smiled. “I’ll take what I can get.”