Heather

TW: domestic violence, suggestions of sexual violence

The longest day of the year was almost here. The sun rose higher and higher into the sky. The start of summer. I couldn´t be happier. Summer´s light and warmth make my favourite season. Always has been a life enriching season for me.

That year I had been invited to a summer solstice party. The only requirement was to show up dressed like a summer elf, of a flower nymph.

I was thinking of my costume when the phone rang. It was Cynthia from the women´s shelter. If I could help her out. They had a new admission, a very frail young woman in a very delicate condition. I almost had to laugh at het choice of words, though I could guess that what would follow was no laughing matter. Of course, no money, no insurance practically no nothing.

I asked her if she could give me some more information. She was hesitant but told me that the hospital had referred her to them, and that she would much prefer the young woman tell me her story herself. That is if she would talk. I asked her what she meant by that, and she answered me more or less in an evasive kind of way; saying  she was very traumatized.

I couldn´t say no of course. She would drive the woman to my office the first thing in the morning. And pick her back up after we were done with the therapy session.

The next morning, I ran late, and so I missed Cynthia. There was a young woman sitting in a chair in the waiting room. I think I stood there for a few seconds just staring at her. I could not believe my eyes. She must have been stunningly beautiful once, but that was wasting away. For some reason she made me think of a broken ballerina, no longer able to dance.

I looked at Emma, the receptionist, a steel magnolia. She couldn´t keep her eyes off the girl and held one hand over her mouth as if to stop gasps that might escape unwarranted.  The silence was getting awkward, and Emma came from behind her desk; she nodded at me as to signal that she would help the young woman to my office.

- “Come on honey, let me help you.” She helped her up, and I could see the young woman was shaking on her legs. I finally got a grip on myself and opened the door to my office. Emma walked the girl slowly in and helped her gently into an armchair. Emma gave me a wink   and closed the door behind her. I thought she would be back for sure to ask if she wanted to drink anything. It would be a nice icebreaker because I had no idea where or how to start. Emma did come back in, only to bring her file. I could see it was filled in by Cynthia.

She was so thin. She wore shabby clothes, probably a donation from the salvation army. Her face was an atlas of colours I could have never imagined possible to appear in a human face. I noticed one of her earlobes was thorn.

- “I´ll just have a quick look at your file here.” I said. It was a dumb thing to say, but my brain was unable to come up with anything else.

She held a little purse clasped in her hands. Her head bowed as if she was looking for something on the floor.

I needed some time to collect my thoughts and come up with a plan. My mind jumped all over the place.

- “Coffee?” I heard myself say.  She whispered something inaudible.

- “Would you prefer something else?” I added. She shook her head. Ever so carefully. I could see the moving of her head was painful.

- “Well! I will have some coffee.” I said, “Sure I can´t offer you anything?”

This time I could see she tried looking up at me, but as soon as her eyes crossed mine, she went back to staring at the floor.

I picked up the phone to ask Emma for coffee and sat myself in an armchair in front of her. Seemed to make her uncomfortable. She fidgeted a bit with her very short hair as if she wanted to cover her face with it.

- “What´s your name?” I asked her. Again, she said something inaudible in a whisper. I had read her name on the file, so I could pretend that I heard her.

- “Heather! That´s a very beautiful name!” another very lame to say, and apparently the wrong thing. She started shaking all over her body and made herself even smaller as if she wanted to armchair to swallow her up. What had I done? What is the way is asked her name? what was going on here? I was panicking inside my head.

Emmy knocked on the door with my coffee in her hand and looked very worried at that broken little person in front of me. She squatted down in front of Heather and asked her:

- “Honey are you all right? Are you in any pain?” she put her hands on the young woman´s hands. But that made her uncomfortable. She whispered something again. Even Emma wasn´t able to understand what she was saying. Heather fiddled with the purse on her lap and pulled out a bottle of painkillers. Emmy put her glasses on her nose to read what the label said.

- “I´ll get you some water. I´ll be right back”. I saw thick tears rolling over Heather’s face and her face turned red. I was getting mad at myself. Here was a person who needed my help, and I couldn´t bring myself to come up with even one sensible thing.

Emma came back in with the water and gave it to Heather. She made strange slurping noises and twisted her face in pain. Emma tried to sooth her, but she burst out in uncontrollable sobs. Emma took her in her arms and rocked her gently. She also threw me an incredibly angry look that was asking what the matter was with me. I could think of nothing better than to go get some tissues and escape Emma´s angry gaze.

I read the file was Emma was comforting Heather. Hoping to find some inspiration to start a conversation. I could not believe what I was reading. It was nothing close to a miracle that she was alive. She had been stabbed multiple times, had a broken jaw and several broken ribs. The hospital had let her go into the care of the shelter, because she had no insurance. But clearly what Heather needed was a bed and continuous medical assistance. Other than her age; she was 19 there was nothing in the file except for the medication she had to take and when.

Emma fussed some more around my patient, and then she did something she had never done before: she sat herself next to me as if I were the one who needed guidance.

- “Let us help you honey.” I heard her say. “You´re safe here! Talk to us.”

What´s with all the “us” stuff I thought. But I didn´t utter any objection. In fact, I was all too glad that Emma was playing the doting mother or granny.

Heather brought a bruised hand to her throat to make us understand that it hurt her to talk.

- “Just breathe now. Take all the time you need.” Emma said in my stead.

Heather picked up the little purse and waved it in front of her.

- “I have no money to pay you.” She whispered.

- “Don´t you worry about that! I´ll take care of that.” I hurried to say, and Emma threw a look at me:

- “My word! It speaks” she exasperated. We started laughing and it conjured a little smile on Heather’s face.

- “There now, that´s better.” Emmy continued giggling because she realized that she had outmanoeuvred me. And I was grateful for it.

Heather told us in between whispers and tears that she had run away from home to escape her very violent father. She simply could not take it anymore. One day she pretended to go to school but went to the bus station and bought a ticket for as far away as possible. Since she did not have much, she didn´t go far. In the red-light district, she got off. It didn´t take very long for a friendly handsome young man asked her what her name was. Told her she had the most beautiful name in the world. (That was the reason she shrunk earlier when I said that her name was beautiful.)

He gave her a bed and a meal. He was protective and reassuring for a couple of days. He promised her the stars and the moon and Heather believed that she was saved. He was protective and reassuring until one morning she woke up chained to the iron frame of the bed. He threw her some “sexy” clothes and was told to go make money. She cried harder when she mentioned that she kind of realized what he was talking about, but that she had never even done it and didn´t know how to do “it.”

Some clients were friendly, but others were brutal and sadistic and hurt her badly. She tried to escape many times, but she never got far and every time they found her again and she was beaten to the point where she couldn´t open her eyes for days or stand straight on her legs. A boy who worked in a local diner kind of fancied her or pitied her and they planned an escape. They never even made it to the bus station when she was dragged into a car by her hair. At a red light she managed to get out of the car. But she was caught and beaten and stabbed. They left her in the middle of the intersection thinking she was dead. The last thing she remembered of the attack was that she was spat on and kicked in the face.

I gasped for air when Heather was done talking. I looked at Emma and noticed that tears had rolled down her cheeks. Emma poked her elbow in my ribs to make say something.

- “Do you know what your name means?” I asked her by way of breaking the silence. She looked a bit amazed at me and then shook her head.

- “It´s a plant. A flower. Back in Scotland it grows in barren land. They bring life to rocky soil. And they are truly pretty!”

- “I´m so ashamed.” She whispered. Tears were flowing again. She kept shaking her head and fidgeting with the little purse in her lap.

- “Heather look at me!” I said, and I could see I Startled her by that question. She responded almost mechanically as if she was afraid of the consequences if she didn´t obey right immediately.

I tried to give her a little smile to comfort her, but Emma stood already behind her stroking her hair. There was so much love in that little gesture, and I could see Heather felt it too.

- “The shame is not on you!” she looked at me in disbelief and I repeated what I just said: that the shame was not on her.

- “This is something that happened to you! An ugly thing no human being should ever be subjected to. But it doesn´t define you! Don´t throw in the towel just yet! Your mind and body are depleted. But you will heal! And you will learn to deposit in yourself! We will help you do that. It is hard work, but you will get there. And you will learn to enjoy life. I do promise you that!”

I could see she wasn´t used being talked to that way and she started fidgeting with her hair again, but Emma lovingly took her hands and brought them back to her lap.

- “Don´t drain yourself Heather! Choose happiness!” I noticed Emma was on the verge of tears again.

- “This is not a full stop Heather. It´s a new phase!”

The phone rang and Emma made her way out to pick it up.

- “Well now,” I started, “I sure could use some air. Look at that fabulous blue sky out there. Let´s go for a stroll.”  Of course, the second that came out of my mouth -I realised that the poor girl could barely walk.

Heather gave me a timid smile. I wanted to hug her and plug all the trauma out of her system.

- “We´ll take it slow.” I said.

I helped her up and told Emmy to come with us.

- “Where are we going?” she asked. I replied I had no idea. I could see she was going to bring up patients’ appointments, so I just told her to put a note on the door.

Heather walking between Emma and me, leaning on our arms we went out of the office. Heather asked Emma if we could stop at the church at the end of the street. Of course, we could do that.

I told Heather that today was a special day. The longest day of the year. And an  auspicious day too if you´re seeking luck and prosperity.

We led her in the church and asked where she wanted to sit. She pointed to a saint who had a lot of candles burning in front of it. Emma put a coin in the box and gave Heather a candle to light. As we wanted to walk to the back of the church Heather looked at us scared.

- “Don´t worry!” I whispered, “Just giving you some privacy. We´ll be down there.”

She sat there for a few minutes and then signalled us to come get her.

- “Will I go to hell now?” Heather asked me.

I told her no because she just came back from there.

Back on the street I told Heather:

- “Winter has been long enough for you Heather! Let´s walk in the sun!”

She nodded and tried to hug me.

- “It´s okay! Let´s walk in the sun!”

I thanked Emma for her help. She smiled and said:

- “That´s all right honey. Now you can pay for the ice cream! An extra-large one for me!”

We all laughed.

I never went to the solstice party. Instead, I thanked the sun from my balcony and prayed a song of deliverance for Heather; asking that one day she would shine as bright as the sun.