"The Re-Play"

It's a beautiful Tuesday here in Dallas, TX as I prepare to head out to the store to grab some snacks. Luckily, traffic isn't it's typical clutter of a mess on the 75 so my commute should be a breeze.

You see today is New Year's Eve so most people are off, and preparing to celebrate this ridiculous holiday. They plan for weeks, for one day and proclaim "New Year, New Life!" As though they've been dead throughout the entire year.

They rant, on and on......... get drunk pass out only not to remember what happened the next day. It's the dumbest and most useless thing I've seen.

What are they missing throughout the year, that would make this day seem so special? Why, is there not enough thankfulness throughout the year that would make them realize their choices well in advance before this last day?

I remember being seven years old seeing my dad dance around in excitement of the New Year. Giving us all hugs and kisses only to leave us to hang with his friends, and to return home drunk.

What the hell was he so happy about? I could only assume a shallow belief of change, and a better life. My mom would laugh, as he prance in excitement. He seemed to be more excited about New Year's far more than Christmas.

On Christmas he would watch us play with our toys with only a small smile as we sat and opened our gifts. We were always so happy but, it didn't bring him joy like New Year's.

I remember being ten years old asking "dad, why are you always so happy on New Year's Day". He paused and stated "I can start fresh, and accomplish every goal that I missed the year before." I remember thinking to myself, "what goal?"

He was a plumber who worked all the time, day in day out. One year after the next so what goal was he trying to meet, when the only day he showed joy was on New Year's Day.

In 1991 it was the last day in the year, and it was like every other year. I sat in the recliner and watched my dad rant around in excitement, once again. I had to be 13 years old by this time. I wasn't impressed about his excitement because that part of me died years ago. Had I known that this would have been the day he would die, I would have given one last ridiculous pre-drunk hug.

I remember it like it was yesterday. My mom being as passive as she is, giggled as she always did like every year before. Standing in the kitchen cooking breakfast, and pretending to be happy.

I knew she wasn't happy because all throughout the year dad would barely notice her existence. I don't know why she allowed him to treat her so unimportant. Sometimes I could see the sadness in her eyes.

Now that I think back I could only assume she needed this joyful day, just as much as he did.

New Year's Day 1991 the phone rang at 4:11a.m. I remember hearing my mom crying as I was woken out of my sleep and glared at the clock trying to digest why my mom would be crying.

I got up, walked out of the room and saw her holding her face in her hands sobbing like I've never seen before. I briskly ran to her "mom, wha... what's wrong?" She tried to compose herself as she sniffled "your....... your ummmmm" she burst into tears again as she proclaimed "your dad got into an argument at the bar"........ she paused once again (taking a deep breath) "some guy killed him, I. ....... I don't know who or why BUT THEY KILLED HIM!!!"

She continued "I have to go to the hospital, but I just........" the tears flowed and I sat there with her. There was a knock on the door, my mom's friend Sarah must have heard because soon as I opened the door she ran over to my mom and hugged her and told her they needed to head to the hospital.

AAfter that year I realized how stupid New Year's was and how much it must suck to wait all year for one day when you have 364 other days in the year to celebrate life. To be thankful, and have joy!! Why did he wait, why didn't he live everyday like he lived every New Year.

I made a promise to never be like my dad!! I taught myself never to wait to be happy or celebrate for one day because every day is a new opportunity and you can always start a New Year everyday if you like, because it's your life.

My New Year's Day is everyday spent like the day before. Celebrating the now, the new in everyday that I am given.

I replay my day everyday, as though it is my last. I choose to live like it's my last!!