I'd Rather

Stella walked into the library, setting her purse and iPhone down onto the circular counter next to her computer; however, high heels clacked on the marble stone floor, turning her around to face a curly-haired woman whose first words skipped good morning: “Go home with your things and stay there until you find another job, please.”                                         

“What do you mean?” Stella frowned. “I’m a great employee!”

“Because I accepted you as a volunteer, you were never on the payroll. I hire the best. Unfortunately, you do not qualify for a paid position. I’m sorry!”               

Stella stared at her, and then nodded her head, sighing deeply. After all, I just shelve and check books in and out of the library. What’s one less volunteer? She hiked out of the library with her purse and iPhone. After starting her car, Stella threw them into the passenger seat, wishing she could’ve known. Maybe if my boss would’ve told me, I wouldn’t be fired. Oh, well. Just replace me with someone else. Besides, I’ve already been replaced by money. What’s a volunteer compared to a nice big paycheck?  

She turned left, right and then left again until she finally turned into her driveway. The thoughts in her head raced around like rats scurrying in a maze, all striving to get to the cheese first. Whoever did would triumph. Once inside, Stella neglected her stuff for some Rocky Road ice cream, digging in with a spoon. As she settling onto her massage sofa of a couch, Stella merely looked at the flat screen TV blazing with commercials and movie trailers.                  

She wouldn’t call her mother to save her life; why would she lament the day she got fired when she couldn’t even hold down a volunteer job? She was abandoned by her parents. Her mother was rich and needed money to survive; her father, too, would use that money for whatever.

Money was their daughter. Money was all that mattered.

Well, maybe if money’s their beloved child, money is my beloved mother and father. I guess since money is between us, I’ll take my fair share. Besides, it’s just money. What’s a deceased relative’s inheritance compared to honor? Like selfishness should be rewarded with my love! 

As for Candy? Stella wasn’t just going to cry on her shoulder anymore—how could Candy butter Stella up with popcorn and make her day crazy with Twizzlers when Candy wasn’t there to sling an arm around her shoulder, promising her a good movie and some healthy popcorn? Candy—her second pillow after her bed’s pillow ever since that day in preschool when she gave Stella her blanket after Stella realized she had forgotten hers. From that day forward, whenever Stella got, lost or quit a job, Candy would celebrate her—Stella, her friend. Stella, the friend. Stella the star.    

Stella grabbed the Rocky Road ice cream from the freezer in the big kitchen and spooned some into a glass bowl. Taking it into the living room, Stella flicked on a couple of lights and then awakened her laptop, sitting down on the massive massage sofa. Candy, her emailed started, thanks for the sweetness of the food you call beloved stuff, but when it comes to giving me something, candy doesn’t compare to love. Sorry, but where’s the love when you’re just handing me a simple candy bar I can buy myself?

When Candy responded with a huge picture of Twizzlers and a kind note, Stella fired back, clacking away as her targeting thoughts shot their hurtful darts hopefully at Candy’s heart. Indifferent to whether the box of hearts Candy said would be Stella’s Valentine’s gift next year would even reach Stella’s front door, Stella managed to practically douse her words in poisonous hatred and light them with the fire of vengeance for them to burn into Candy’s mind forever. Stella watched blithely. I live in a mansion and have millions of dollars to my name. I don’t need to be another average Joe grinding away at a 9 to 5 job every day. I don’t need gifts—Mom and Dad need to replace their money with me!   

She switched off the TV and took her purse and iPhone, ignoring Candy’s text messages. Returning to the library, Stella ignored the stares and whispers of confusion wafting to her ears, heading towards the fantasy section of the library. She grabbed a book and yanked it open. She read some lines, and then threw the book onto the ground. Stella felt an impulse to jump into it, but then stepped back, bumping into someone. Turning, Stella saw her smiling boss—and Candy!   

“What are you doing?” The question was for Stella. Candy’s sad eyes bore into hers. Stella switched to her boss.

“What are you going to do? Fire me from the whole library? I can’t even hold down a volunteer job.”

Stella snickered. “What are the chances I should ever return here? Aren’t you proud you succeeded in disposing of a loser like me?”

Candy’s eyes went wide, and her boss’s smile had simmered into a frown. Stella whipped back to the book. “This time, everyone will love me, especially my parents.” She hurled herself into it. Her cellphone and purse fell with her. She got up from the ground. It was soft and moist. Rich. Soil. She turned around. All these trees, white as birch, stood before her like obedient soldiers. Stella turned around again, staring greedily at a huge castle yawningly tall, its pillars scraping the sky and its drawbridge, Stella noticed over yonder, stretching before this forest. Hiking her purse up onto her shoulder and clutching her iPhone, Stella maintained a level head as she marched from the forest, across a small stream and onto the castle grounds. Some guards turned towards her.            

“Excuse me. What do you think you’re doing?”

Stella posed as accurately as possible. She faked an accent and pretended a name, sending one of the guards into a laughing fit. “You’ll have your answers!” 

Another guard grabbed her arm and chucked the purse and iPhone behind her. Stella heard a thump and a soft clunk as she walked away from her only possessions. They can strip me of those things. But they can’t make me a slave! As Stella went through the corridor, she saw other silver armor-plated men and even some women standing to the side of a stucco staircase, spears faithfully at their sides. The castle was cold, for Stella shivered. She requested a blanket and a cloak.

“You’re a sloth! Move faster!”

Suddenly, Stella was on her stomach. She looked up, instantly bowing and then telling the king and queen that she had just come here and had no home or family. Then she dared to look right at the queen. This woman gazed indifferently at Stella’s plight. The king, on the other hand, told one of the guards to give Stella a home.   

“Let’s go!”

The guard grabbed a grateful, bowing Stella, and both of them headed off. Her rumbling stomach angered the guard, and he ordered her to be quicker. Kicking her in the legs, the guard shoved Stella onto hay-strewn ground in front of an iron bar door. Her ears were stuffed with cackles as it clanged closed, and Stella scurried towards the back. She stared all around at the bricks enclosing her and then looked down at the hay.

“You’ll be here forever—if you don’t die!”

The guard’s echoing laughter left Stella behind in a jail cell. She plugged her nose and curled up, hearing chains rattling and yells from over yonder. She looked up. No window to shed some light. She looked ahead of her. An empty cell. I’m not just in a jail cell—I’m trapped. Like I’ve always been. In the library. As Candy’s friend. Stuck like gum on the underside of a desk. 

Candy and her Christmas parties filled with laughter at gingerbread house fails and Halloween bashes with children dashing up to grab a fistful of the chocolate and candy corn and marsh mellow packages were going to be replaced with straw and guards going back and forth, their mockery the music singing prisoners to sleep. Stella wouldn’t see a roaring fire next to a beautifully decorated tree with marvelous presents underneath. She’d hear other cell mates complaining of hunger, hoping they wouldn’t endure torture, torment or, worst, decapitation. 

Stella pursed her lips. I will not endure one more tormenting thought of me going down completely. I’m not going to end like this. I will not starve, be decapitated, stoned, die of thirst, poisoned or gagged. I will survive! I will be queen of this castle. I will be loved and approved and accepted. By these guards. By my parents!

“Psst!”   

Stella looked around, trying to locate the voice. It sounded small, like it was that of a tiny creature. “Psst!”

Stella dug through the straw, looked out the cell bars, squinting through the semi-darkness. “Who’s there?”

“Over here!”  

Stella strained her ears. She looked up and over, seeing a black spider on a huge web. It glistened in the pre-dusk darkness, and Stella smiled. “So,” she stood up, crossing her arms, “how about you come down here and tell me what I should do to become heir to the throne.”

The spider rode down on a thread of white silk, and Stella held out a hand. The spider looked up at her with eight beady little eyes black as pitch, and Stella beckoned him. “Where did you come from?”

“Up there.” The spider jerked a leg upwards. “Where do you think?”

“No—I mean, you’ve been up there all this time, and you are just now talking to me?”

The spider sighed, shaking its head. “You humans don’t observe enough. Why should I have to tell you when you can just—”

“Spider, I am in a jail cell! I don’t just observe my surroundings.”

“I can help you out.” The spider crawled up its thread, and busied itself weaving something.

Stella rolled her eyes. This thing’s just like Candy—it insists on its own way. No wonder I’m here rotting in this stupid prison.

Stella looked up impatiently. The spider smiled and took the thing in one of its legs, descending. “Here.” Stella held a key. She looked at it, turning it over and over. “Wow. It’s made of thread. Are you a magical spider?”

“No—just someone who cares about others.”             

Stella went to the door and put her arm through, curving around to put the key into the door. After unlocking and opening the door, Stella turned to the spider, a fire dancing in her eyes.   

It bowed its head, and then tilted its little silk hat. “Yes, ma’am! Come back if you need to. I love guests!”  

Stella fled the place. That spider silk will be mine for the coronation. The spider watched her go, and then sighed. It returned to its web, and lay down, crossing two legs in front of it and then resting its chin. “There goes another cellmate. Not that we can be best of friends like two people can. They always get into trouble, those betrayers. That one’s just going to end up like the rest of them—lost and frustrated.       

“I hope she knows what she’s doing. I hope she understands the truth before it’s too late!”

Stella escaped through the corridors and then past the stucco staircase. I’m going home to set up shop to make my silk gown and crown. Then I’ll show Mom and Dad who really deserves a rich life!

Stella dashed under one of the arched doorways. She skidded to a halt when she heard someone familiar. “Hey, you! Stop. Where are you going?”

Stella slowly turned around. The guard held out a hand. “What are you doing?”

“What do you think you’re doing?” Stella spat, not caring whether she would be sent back to that jail cell—she’d just escape somewhere else. “I will reign here as queen.”

The guard laughed. “We’ll see about that!” He marched up to her and grabbed her arm, dragging a sniggering Stella to the king and queen, he said. Soon, she was before His and Her Majesties.

“My liege, she’s the girl who escaped one of the dungeons. What should we do with her?”

The king looked at her and then turned to the queen. She leaned forward. “Come here, wrench.” Stella obeyed, and dropped to her dirty knees. The queen rose up, and Stella dared to look at the woman in the eye. Then Stella jerked her head down.

“No, my daughter. You must rise to greatness. I will make you ruler of your own kingdom. One day, when you prove yourself.” 

Stella clenched her teeth and glowered at the floor. She was shaking, too, from rage. One more person tells her she had to work to just be loved and accepted will face severe consequences. The queen announced she’d rule if she serves first as a servant and then as a knight. Stella could barely compose herself. Rings of cruel laughter echoed around the castle from the guards’ hysteria. She, a slave, scrubbing guards’ feet? Scooping prisoners’ poop?

But Stella managed all this work, doing more than her fair share. Decades went by. Finally, one of the guards graced her head with a silk crown. She boasted a silk dress. One day, the queen and Stella were outside on the balcony, watching the servants tend to the fields and knights joust each other.

“Tell me, Stella. From where do you come, and why are you here?”

“I am not from here. I used to be a daughter. But I have not drunk an ounce of love from my baby bottle since my parents abandoned me. I am no one. I will never be anything more than—”

“An adopted daughter of mine?”      

The queen turned towards her. “Stella, you’re a star. A star—”

“You don’t understand. My mother—”    

“Your Majesty, two newcomers are here.”

Stella and the queen marched inside to see who had ventured into the castle grounds. Stella narrowed her eyes, and stood in front of her throne. Three trembling people begged for mercy, but Stella ordered their necks to fill the holes under each guillotine.     

“Please, please!” Her mother tried reasoning with her. Her father’s eyes were filled with terror. Candy wasn’t loving Stella with her name anymore—she was silent, tears streaming down her face. Stella screamed her parents didn’t deserve mercy. How could two abandoning people be forgiven when they never loved their own daughter? Stella jerked a finger at them all and ordered the decapitation.             

The queen screamed in objection, and waved her arms, reasoning with Stella. But this new monarch ignored her, moving away to glory in their demise. After she had announced she was queen of this place, the guards all bowed before her. Stella smiled ruthlessly and stated she’d be making the rules around here.

The queen stood there, horrified. “I have loved you. They will have loved you if you had spoken with them, reasoning it out. What—” 

“They valued money over me. Candy only reminded me of their abandonment.” Stella went to her throne. “Where’s the love, when all there is is money?” Then she said, to herself, “How can I love, when I am not loved? Why mercy, when disrespect has been dealt?”

The room reigned in silence for the rest of the day. The king, queen and all the kingdom tried helping Stella understand the truth. But Stella argued, threatening to burn anyone who dared try to convince her further.    

Finally, the kingdom tore apart, Stella would pace back and forth, seething over her past but also wishing the kingdom would hear her.

The spider strived reasoning with her, but its words of hope fell on deaf ears. Stella, in her rage, locked herself in her bedroom, wishing the spider would understand, too. When the queen came back, she had come upon Stella in her room. She gave Stella a choice: she would regain her kingdom from Stella as she felt she had no right to rule so ruthlessly, or make peace with her and give her the chance to become a real queen.

“Stella, I love you! I always have. You may not have your parents, but you have my husband and me. The whole kingdom!” She grabbed a soiled cloth-wearing Stella by her arm, and jerked her up from the bed. Looking her right in the eye, the queen urged her to listen and know. “Please—we do. We will offer you up to half our kingdom!”           

Stella, hair askew and eyes dancing with mad glee, glared at her. “More money. Money doesn’t prove anything but selfishness! Money is the only way to live. Money is love, after all!”

“Money isn’t the issue here. Love conquers all.”

“Love isn’t here. Money was their daughter. Money is what they loved.” Stella wrung her hands. “I don’t need money. I don’t need this kingdom. You only remind me of the mother I never had. My mother who should’ve loved me—”

“But I do!”   

“You’re not my mother. My mother should’ve been my mother. I’ll never get the love I should’ve had.”

Stella dashed around the bed and threw open her window, the queen desperate to save her. Stella let the queen yank her back, and Stella told her she wasn’t worthy to be loved by anyone if she didn’t have her mother’s love. The queen grabbed her into a tight hug, closing her eyes and rubbing her back as Stella sobbed on her shoulder. Stella then told her she never meant jealousy to kill Candy. The queen promised her her new home. Stella stared at her.

“Yes.” The queen nodded, and then Stella did, too.

She banned decapitation. She lived justly by disciplining and rewarding.

She forgave.

Stella learned to love.