To the American Republic of Mars

GOVERNMENT DISPATCH: TOP SECRET

File No. 14575

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Subject: State of the United States of America

To: The Leaders of the American Republic of Mars 

Today marks one week since the United States fell to the invaders. Yesterday, the former President of the United States opened the airlock without a spacesuit. As Chief Expert of the Republic (I built this place) I will take the oath of office tomorrow. All my supporters are invited.

Rest assured, my administration is actively exploring ways to respond to the invasion. Our Interpretive Branch has begun by investigating possible oversights committed by the U.S. government over the past 100 years. To facilitate your understanding, a timeline of relevant events leading up to the invasion is attached below. Announcements to the citizens of Mars will be made shortly.

PLEASE NOTE: Nothing is to be said about anything before the year 2098. All preceding points on the timeline have been compiled by our Interpretive Branch and Future Planning Committee and are for your information only. Expect a staff meeting in the near future. Questions from the press about anything other than the events of the past two years are to be ignored. 

Read carefully, 

Elon Musk Jr., President of the American Republic of Mars 

…

TIMELINE OF EVENTS LEADING UP TO THE INVASION: 

2024: President Joe Biden dies in office. Vice President Kamala Harris sworn in on January 10.

2024: Immigration laws temporarily suspended to allow unlimited asylum into Alaska during the Drought of Central America. 

2025: Democrat Hugh Suhk sworn into office. 

2026: Supreme Court expanded from nine to ten seats.

2028: U.S. brokers peace deal between Russia and Ukraine after Mr. Putin threatens nuclear attack, splitting Ukraine into Free States of Ukraine and United Slavic Territories of Russia. 

2029: Conservative Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas dies; President White nominates Janix Xenophon, first transgender justice in U.S. history. Divided court turns majority liberal.

2030: President Suhk loses reelection bid, Democrat Lebron James sworn in after winning in a landslide.

2031: Liberal wing of SCOTUS enacts 28th amendment: hate speech not constitutionally protected; requires the establishment of a committee to create rules for acceptable speech. 

2032: AI-generated audio clip of President James partying with Putin circulates on social media site X, triggers national uproar and riots in Washington. 

2033: Citizenship requirements amended: applicants no longer required to read, write and speak basic English or have basic understanding of American history. 

2035: Construction on border wall terminated.

2038: American Psychiatric Association revises definition of mental health in light of new trends: “frequent” suicidal thoughts now within “normal range of negative ideation”. New definition and criterion published in DSM 6.

2039: President James embarks on third consecutive term in office. 

2040: Suicide rates within LGBTQIATYNI123∞+ community no longer deemed “public health emergency” by National Institutes of Health; NIH releases subsequent article on “harmful stereotyping” in medicine. 

2040: Study done on American women shows that birth control significantly lowers estrogen levels, limiting impact of testosterone on female mate selection. 

2041: Colleges and universities begin “gender integration” of dormitories. 

2042: SAT becomes “open-book”; subsequent study shows widespread cheating. 

2043: Nationwide study finds 90% of high school students would rather receive small electric shock than read one page of Shakespeare.

2044: “In God we trust” removed from U.S. currency; deemed hate speech (mental violence) against believers of other faiths by the United States Committee on Acceptable Speech (USCAS). 

2045: Mr. Putin’s armies, reinforced by Chinese arms and soldiers, seize free Ukrainian states in nighttime invasion. President Zelensky flees, receives permanent asylum in the U.S.

2045: Computer-generated video of white-on-black police shooting sparks riots, national uproar. Police chief lookalike fired in Bucannon, W. Virginia.

July 16, 2050: Elon Musk launches Doge 1, sending first human colony to mars; passengers include U.S. representatives. 

2051: Elon Musk buys Apple; releases iLink, implantable computer interface enabling seamless connection between human brain and technology. 

2060: Gaza releases computer-generated video of Israeli Defense Forces gunning down Palestinian children, sparking international outrage. Israel responds by targeting Hamas headquarters with missiles, killing hundreds of civilians (after Hamas leaders prevented civilians from evacuating attack radius). 

2061: Republican Elon Musk narrowly beats Democratic opponent to become 50th POTUS.

2062: Historic U.S. Census Report finds non-English speakers comprise 45% of U.S. population. 

2067: NIH study finds LGBTQIATYNI123∞+ Americans comprise 40% of U.S. population; same study finds three in five children under age eight identify as such.

2069: U.S. birth rate dips below replacement level. 

2075: China and Russia form Sino-Russian Alliance and withdraw from the UN. 

2076: Church attendance sinks to new low of 10%; 80% of Americans and 95% of college students identify as “non-identifying” or “atheist”. 

2085: Immigrants become majority group in skilled trades (60%) and U.S. military (55%), marking decisive demographic shift. Study finds most American-born citizens leave college without basic skills. 

2086: Study links epidemic of loneliness, suicide and obesity to proliferation of VR/implantable computer interface technologies.

2087: Yellowstone National Park closes following years of sagging attendance.

2088: Nationwide government-sponsored study finds just 3% of highschool students can pass basic military fitness exam.

2090: Amid shortfall in enlistments, U.S. government extends military draft to women, including transgender men.

Jan 1, 2094: Elon Musk Jr. successfully establishes first Martian colony; President Adolf Stickler begins conducting presidential duties from Mars; Vice President Charli D’Amelio moves into White House. 

2094: Russia sends “research probe” to Mars; immediately shot down by the U.S. Martian Defense Corps.

2094: President Stickler signs $20 trillion climate and social spending package into law ahead of reelection bid, hamstringing domestic oil production; military spending hits new low.

2095: Price of food skyrockets amid global drought, forcing U.S. to transfer 10% of military budget to agricultural development. 

2095: China and Russia make alliance with Iran, Turkey and Saudi Arabia in clandestine meeting.

2096: John Lennon’s “Imagine” becomes new national anthem. 

2096: Per Pew Research poll, 95% of American citizens answer “unsure” or “don’t care” to question: “What does it mean to be an American?”

2096: In response to global threats and falling enlistments, Congress approves draft of 2096; estimated 70% of draftees flee to Canada.

2098: NIH buries study showing gender-based differences in performance in military combat roles

2098: Whistleblower leaks Pentagon papers charting gradual decline of combat performance in U.S. platoons.

2097: Classified Pentagon memos reveal steep decline in enlistments, signaling imminent crisis for U.S. military; Defense Sector launches unsuccessful TikTok-based recruitment campaign; President Stickler raises military pay through tax-increase; fiscal year ends in demand slump and soaring unemployment.*

*This concludes the sensitive portion of the timeline. 

November 1, 2098: Middle Eastern nations in Sino-Russian alliance cross Israeli border with tanks and soldiers.

November 1, 2098: China overthrows Taiwanese government in midnight coup staged by bribed generals; seizes control of economy.

November 5, 2098: US responds, expending 200,000 troops to defend Israel and attack Chinese forces in Taiwan. American forces report heavy casualties just hours after deployment; Kremlin produces propaganda about USA’s “sissy soldiers”. 

November 10, 2099: U.S. government stops accepting oil imports from Russia, Iran and Saudi Arabia, plunging America into hyperinflation. Price of oil soars to $300 per barrel; key industries (electronics, textiles) experience severe shortages, triggering widespread hoarding and looting. 

November 27, 2099: China and Russia release computer-generated CCTV footage of Russian spies arriving on American soil and breaking into CIA headquarters. President Stickler places U.S. government on lockdown and instigates witch hunt for possible suspects.

December 5, 2099: Mass exodus underway: amid soaring crime and inflation, millions of US citizens seek temporary refuge in Canada while tens of millions (mostly non-native citizens) exit South into Mexico, Central and South America. Domestic production and employment sink to levels never before seen; New York Times calls it the second Great Depression.

New Year’s Day, 2100: Sino-Russian forces attack U.S. mainland from land, sea and air. Enemy ground forces flood into U.S. through porous southern border into deserted border towns; millions more make landfall on West Coast. 

After Action Report:

•  U.S. generals were unable to marshall a united response due to a lack of arms, mass defections by servicemembers, and decreased troop counts (only 700,000 were left to defend the mainland). We received a battle dispatch on January 2 stating “this is the stupidest, cowardliest, most disorganized bunch of yuppies I have ever had the dishonor of commanding.” Another states “You gave us a mercenary army.” The remaining populace put up little resistance.
• Washington DC has been evacuated and government officials placed on a Mars-bound shuttle. 
• At 12:45 on January 1, the invaders posted a TikTok of themselves in the Oval Office doing the griddy with Vice President Charli D’Amelio. For obvious reasons, she will hereafter be considered missing in action. 

END OF TIMELINE.