The Schmidt Just Hit the Fan

“It’s that time of year again,” Dr. Killi Knapp, the Gross family’s psychiatrist says.

Dr. Knapp adjusts his designer frame glasses as Paul and Celeste bow their heads.

“She was getting better,” Paul says, nervously brushing back what’s left of his hair.

Celeste reaches for Paul’s hand. “She finished third three years ago. They sent her a doll…”

“A Moogli doll. It’s a character on the show,” Paul explains. “Kind of a Yehti.”

“That’s kept her going,” Celeste adds. “She’s sure the essay she wrote for this year’s contest will win.”

Dr. Knapp’s capped smile reassures the couple. “What’s her essay about?”

“Rick Schmidt, of course,” Celeste replies. “His show’s current plot revolves around his character picking a space princess for his wife. Gabby thinks she should be his wife, not only on TV, but in real life.”

“That’s just ridiculous,” Dr. Knapp replies. “He’s just a TV star and a pretty hammy one at that. I can start sessions with Gabby again, but it’s your mental health that I’m more concerned about.”

“We’ve been through the big letdown before when she gets the letter saying, ‘thanks for participating’….”

“Keep reminding her she has a family who wants to see her happy. Don’t let her slip away from reality.”

Paul knocks on Gabby’s bedroom door. Gabby is humming the theme song to the “Legends of the Stars” science fiction series.

Gabby is pasting another Rick Schmidt poster amidst the dozens already covering the walls.

Paul looks at his diminutive daughter and her straggly two-tone hair, wondering what it will take to make her face reality.

“This poster is from episode three, “Captain Rick’s Gonna Rock You” in the first year. The rock men were going to crush the doctor and the engineer. Rick used a negative force field to turn the rocks against them,” Gabby says.

She proudly points to a second poster with Captain Rick battling his mortal enemy, the bald, sinister, Emperor Yang. “This one is from episode six, season three, where Yang tries to take over one of Earth’s satellite planets.”

Gabby arranges her souvenir space gun, energy belt, and three-blade plastic knife from the show on her shelf.

“That’s nice, dear,” Paul says. “I was wondering if you wanted to take a break from all this.”

“What do you mean?”

“I don’t know. Maybe go for some ice cream or just a walk.”

“Legends of the Stars is coming on soon.”

“You need to meet people, Gabby.”

“Why? When I win the contest, I’m going to meet Rick and marry him.”

Celeste enters the room, huffing angrily.

“Enough, Gabby! I should take all this crap and burn it! Do you know how pathetic your life is?”

“I’ll marry Rick, you’ll see. We’ll travel the stars together.”

“You couldn’t handle space travel even if that stupid space opera was real. You used to get nose bleeds on the Ferris wheel when we took you to the circus!” Celeste shouts. “You’re one of those annoying part-time customer people who call up and tell me the repair warranty on my car has expired when I don’t have a contract with you in the first place. You don’t have a boyfriend; you don’t even have friends. You weigh maybe ninety pounds, and you look like you stepped out of a Nirvana video. You’re thirty-four, Gabby, and you’re in love with a character on a bad science fiction show who doesn’t know you’re alive. When are you going to grow up?”

“When Rick is mine.”

Celeste sifts through the stack of bills and junk mail, noticing a thick letter addressed to Gabby. She sighs, remembering the previous severance letters Gabby has received.

Knowing “Legends of the Stars” is on the air, Celeste slips the envelope under Gabby’s door.

A scream sends Celeste running to her daughter’s bedroom.

Gaby is leaping up and down.

“I WON! I WON!”

Jace Talent, a polished, gifted assistant to director Waite Eminet, leans against a wall by the “Legends of the Stars” set, nodding at the extras passing by. His assistant, Humbert “Hunk” Homier, who once made a living as a stand-in for Kevin Kostner, waits next to him.

They watch a petite, star-struck woman amble toward them.

“I bet you twenty she’s the one,” Jace says.

“What gave it away, bro, the Captain Rick T-shirt, or the Legends of the Stars handbag?”

The two men give Gabby a guided tour through the set.

Her eyes fog over in confusion when they pause at the model of the ship’s bridge.

“Where’s the rest of the ship?”

Jace points to a table-sized balsa wood rendering of the spaceship Mercury.

“Are you joking?”

“This is it. We have a few other models made of plastic that are smaller and a larger one in a wind tunnel, but this is the one we use the most.”

“Where’s Rick? I want to see my future husband.”

Jace turns to Hunk. “Uh-oh.”

“Marrying Rick Schmidt isn’t part of the grand prize,” Jace says.

A man with amber hair in a tweed jacket wearing reading glasses and smoking a pipe strides by.

Jace yanks him by the arm, hustling him over to Gabby.

“This is Thaddeus Quimby. Emperor Yang.”

Gabby closely examines Quimby.

“Nonsense. Emperor Yang is bald, has dark, black slanted eyes, and a Fu Manchu beard.”

“It’s all makeup, my dear,” Quimby says in a stately English accent. “All of this, the spaceships, the aliens, my costume, are props for the show. It’s all make-believe, including Rick.”

“No. You’re lying. We’re going to get married and visit other worlds. When I stop believing it can happen, I’ll stop wanting to live.”

A swaying drunk with a receding hairline staggers onto the set. Two twittering sculpted women are holding him up.

“There’s Rick,” Jace says.

“It doesn’t look like him.”

“Sure it is. Slap a toupee and a mustache on him and you’ve got Captain Rick of the Intergalactic Space Force. Hey, Rick. Come over and meet the winner of your contest.”

Rick pulls a pint of whiskey from his jacket pocket, taking a swig.

Rick stumbles toward Gabby. Looking her over top to bottom, he says, “I’ve had more attractive bowel movements than you.”

Gabby jumps into Rick’s arms, trying to kiss him.

“You and me, Rick. It’s destiny.”

“Are you insane? I don’t know where those frog lips have been.”

Gabby reaches into her oversized bag, pulling out a small picture album.

“Look, Rick. I have all the still shots from season two episode five, when you saved Scolos, the mummified planet!”

Rick swats at the album. It hits Gabby on the cheek, scratching her.

Jace looks at Hunk. “Don’t say it.”

“The Schmidt just hit the fan.”

“She’s obviously unstable!” Rick shouts. “I don’t care how many contests she’s won, get this spaced-out Sputnik away from me pronto!”

Rick storms off, accompanied by the two women.

Jace contemplates the situation. “She wants to be with Rick, and we don’t want a lawsuit. Let’s make her his princess.”

“I think your jet has lost its booster,” Hunk says.

“We start the next episode by announcing Rick and the princess from Skeeland are going to be married. The Zygons hear about it and attack the planet. The princess steps in to save Rick…”

“You’re brilliant, bro.”

Director Waite Eminet sits back in his chair. “Okay… Roll tape… Action!”

The Zygons, reptilian villains with horns in the middle of their gator-like heads, burst into Rick’s headquarters.

Trajewel, the leader of the Zygons steps forward, brandishing a laser gun.

Captain Rick and Gabby freeze, powerless.

“We have heard that Captain Rick intends to marry the daughter of King Voltos of Skeeland. This would form a powerful allegiance close to our home planet. We cannot allow this.”

“That’s right Trajewel. With our forces joined together your form of tyranny will become extinct.”

“Not if I kill you,” Trajewel says, raising his weapon.

“No!” Gabby screams, stepping in front of Rick.

The blast from Trajewel’s gun hits Gabby in the chest, and she slumps to the floor.

Rick holds her in his arms.

“Your sacrifice won’t be in vain, my love.”

“CUT!”

Rick drops Gabby on the floor. Her head bangs off the linoleum with a loud thud.

He turns to Trajewel.

“Say, I’m having a shindig tomorrow night, Why don’t you and the other Zygons come over?”

“Sweet!”

“Yeah, I feel I owe you guys something for killing you,” Rick says.

“Kinda like letting Zygons be bygones, eh?” Trajewel says.

Gabby pulls at Rick’s pants.

“Let go, will you?”

“But I’ve been waiting for years to meet and now it’s happened. Don’t you see? It’s destiny,” Gabby says.

“Will someone please extract this lunatic from my leg?”

“I’m your princess, Rick!”

Hunk manages to free Rick.

His hands on his hips, Waite Eminet shakes his head.

“Sorry, dearie, you’re dead.”

“It’s just a flesh wound. I saved Rick. I’m his princess.”

“Our obligation to you is over. You had a tour of the set, and a gourmet lunch. You’ve been gifted all kinds of memorabilia, and as a bonus, you filmed a scene with Rick.”

“No. He needs to know how I feel about him. We’re destined to ride the stars together.”

Eminet whistles in amazement. “Rick treats his women like Kleenex’s. The only ride you’ll get with Rick is to the nut hut and you’re already halfway there.”

Before anyone can stop her, Gabby runs toward Rick’s dressing room, throwing open the door.

She finds Rick in bed with two groupies. He’s taken off his costume and makeup.

“Get out of that bed. He’s mine!”

Rick smirks. “Afraid not, scarecrow. I’m not a fan of the pubescent Generation X look. Don’t let the door hit you in that flat butt on the way out.”

She sees Rick’s toupee, shoulder pads, and lifts on the other side of the room.

“You’re not Rick Schmidt. Rick is a romantic, brave man. You’re that imposter who hit me.”

Before Gabby can attack Rick, Hunk grabs her by the shoulders pulling her out of the trailer.

“I’m afraid your tour is over, bro.”

Gabby climbs the fence, her silver evening gown that she spent her last paycheck on catching on one of the spikes.

Brushing herself off, she smiles sweetly at the butler who greets her at the door with a suspicious look.

“No teens allowed. Scram.”

“I’m here to deliver a script to Jace Talent.”

“Alright. But don’t do anything weird. We’ve had problems with strangers nicking the nick-nacks.”

With stars in her eyes, Gabby glides across the floor.

Gabby spots Rick romancing two beautiful starlets. She begins to growl like a wild animal.

A couple standing next to Gabby moves away, their faces etched with fear.

Gabby grabs a knife from the dinner table creeping across the floor toward him.

Jace interrupts his conversation with a two-time Oscar winner, poking Hunk.

“Queen Crazy is back.”

Gabby charges across the room, pouncing on Rick. Using all of her strength, she puts him in a headlock. Holding the knife closely against his neck, she draws a trickle of blood.

“You’re coming with me. We’re going to live happily ever after amongst the stars.”

“Look, kid,” Rick gasps. “I know you’ve brainwashed yourself into thinking I’m supposed to be your husband, but I’m already married. And I’m not a hero. I get frightened when I get my booster shot. I’ve got angina, a bad prostate, I’ve a season’s pass to rehab and a lien on my house. Whatever world you’ve created for yourself with me in it is a lie. Pull yourself out before it sucks you in forever.”

Gabby’s eyes glaze over. She releases Rick.

Hunk takes a step toward her.

“Back off, Kostner.”

Gabby walks past the frightened guests, a broken expression spreading across her features.

Dragging her feet along the concrete, sobbing to herself, Gabby is oblivious to the soaking thunderstorm.

A police car begins to trail her.

The sound of a siren breaks her out of her malaise.

An officer bounces out of the patrol car. Approaching her, he reaches for his handcuffs.

“Excuse me, Miss. Can you explain why you’re carrying a carving knife?”

The judge casts a disparaging look at Gabby.

Gabby looks across the room at Rick and his lawyer.

Rick keeps his head down, hiding his eyes behind his sunglasses.

“We're supposed to be together!” Gabby bursts out.

“Can you keep your client quiet, Mr. Grech? It’s that kind of irrational behavior that put you in this position, Ms. Gross. Do you understand the magnitude of what you’ve done?”

“All I ever wanted was to be happy with the man I love…”

“When an obsession reaches the stage of kidnapping and assault, someone has to step in and say, ‘Enough.’ Lucky for you, it’s me. When I was a kid, I wanted to be Carl Yastrzemski. I copied his stance, talked with a New England accent, and always wore a Red Sox hat. Unfortunately, I couldn’t hit a curveball. I realized I had to be me, not him. Mr. Schmidt and his lawyer want to help you find yourself. So instead of sentencing you to five years, they have agreed with your lawyer to send you to the Aurora Charter Oak Hospital in Covina for two years. Your Rick Schmidt paraphernalia will be auctioned to help pay for your care.”

The receptionist looks up skeptically at the scrawny woman with the two-tone hair.

“Can I help you, little girl?”

“I’m Rick Schmidt’s wife.”

“Really?”

“I let myself go a little. I was worried about Rick.”

“So, which one are you? He’s had four.”

“The latest,” Gabby answers.

“Oh, Melinda. I heard you took a payoff a few years ago and went to the Cayman Islands.”

“Yes, two years ago. But my heart told me to come back.”

“You really are a romantic, aren’t you? We’re short-staffed today, so I’ll take you to him.”

Gabby slowly walks down the immaculate white hallway.

The receptionist opens the door to Rick’s room. He lies in a coma. Machines pump air into his lungs. Intravenous lines give him drugs to keep him alive.

“He swallowed a medicine cabinet’s worth of pills,” the receptionist says. “He’s alive but he’s in a deep coma that he’s unlikely to come out of.”

Gabby sits down next to Rick’s bed, clutching his hand.

“Don’t worry, Rick, I’m here now. I’ll never leave your side.”