The Duality Journal: Entry 1

Angie (15) lets out a deep sigh as she walks through the luxury retail store section of the mall for what feels like the thousandth time. Her mother, Jen, has a big church conference coming up where she is the guest speaker and has to find the perfect elegant outfit to suit the occasion. After six hours of window shopping and a missed sunset, the fatigue ripples down Angie’s back as she stretches out her legs. Sitting by the waiting area in the aromatic fitting room, her stomach lets out a brash growl. Angie approaches the fabric barrier separating her mother from the lurking eyes of the eager junior sales clerk who has been critiquing her fabulous stylistic choices, and whispers that she is going to look for something small to nibble on because she is famished. Jen lets her know that she should be done in the next thirty minutes and Angie should be patient.

Angie pleads with her distracted mother but doesn't win. Defeated, she figures a walk around the store should subside the anger rising within because there was absolutely no room to rush her mom after their little dispute earlier that day. She leaves the rest of the options with the sales clerk and starts on her way. She passes the blouse section, unimpressed at all the different colors and fabrics that leave women in a state of glee. She walks past the potent perfume section and turns into the shoe aisle adjacent to the jacket section. She walks past the corner mirror by the corduroy coats and stops abruptly. She backs up and slowly turns her head at the being staring back at her around the corner. Angie’s eyes get bigger as her jaw drops. She waves her left hand in awe. She cannot fathom what she is witnessing. Just as she closes her mouth, her phone lets out an aggressive long vibration as her mother's ringtone booms out. Angie answers the call as she slowly backs away from the mirror.

Whilst in a state of euphoria, Angie replies with several yes’s as her mother speaks on the other side of the conversation. Completely flustered, she hangs up and proceeds in the direction of the fitting room. Jen peers out from the fitting room opening and signals to Angie that she needs to wait in the queue, which gets longer with the overwhelming customer presence, brought in by the evening rush hour. Angie nods her head and follows her mothers command. She keeps her head locked on to her feet as she walks past several families rushing around looking for new clothes to buy for the winter season in the last trading hour of the fashion store just after eight o’clock.

Angie reaches the queue and slowly begins the tedious task of waiting on her mother as the anxiety of reaching the till before her arrival sets in. Looking around for her mother she notices the strapping tattooed rebel that had her awestruck prior, looking straight at her. He stares at her with his chiseled jawline and high cheekbones. Angie shyly looks away as she realizes she has caught his attention. She looks up again and she sees his kind brown eyes looking at her as if he was staring into her soul. She smiles and he returns a grin. Caught up in the moment Angie doesn’t notice that she is the next one up for the service at the till. Jen quickly joins her daughter and the woman behind Angie lets out her obvious disapproval. Jen assures her that Angie is indeed her daughter and nudges an inattentive Angie to confirm it. Angie’s gaze is completely locked onto the broad shouldered bloke who has her captivated. She slowly nods and says “Yeah she's my mom.”. Jen looks towards the direction Angie is focused on and shakes her head in annoyance of her daughter's mental absence. She then compliments the cashier's newly plaited long braids, places her items for checkout and proceeds to pay. Angie moves forward from her position ahead of her mother then looks up again in the direction she was caught in before but the stranger is gone. 

Angie isn't bothered by his absence. Instead she has an expression of tranquility that puts her whole once weary physique at ease. Her mother suggests a popular pie place down the immediate escalator but Angie shrugs off the idea and says she will wait to eat when she gets back to the house. Jen’s head jerks back, baffled by this frank response and continues to proceed to the food kiosk as she speaks about the final purchases she needs to make. Unphased, Angie walks with a new sense of confidence with every stride.

They arrive at the favored pie kiosk and her mother orders two mushroom and chicken pies combos, one with a cola, the other with a grape flavored soft drink. The cashier hands Jen the receipt as her fellow hands Angie the order. Jen takes three big bites of the warm pie and a quick sip of the cold cola as she rushes herself to get on with her errands. Angie on the other hand, slowly unwraps the pie aluminum casing as she takes a whiff of the warm fluffy pastry at hand. She takes a bite and savors the flavor of the rich creamy sauce clothed by a buttery flaky crust. Jen just stares at her daughter, amused by her appreciation for the simple things in life. She gives Angie a kiss on her forehead and tells her to stay as she continues to conquer the to-do list. Angie nods in agreement as Jen rushes off.

Angie takes the last sip of the soft drink as she crumples up the pie casing. She throws the rubbish away and checks her phone for a notification from her mom but finds nothing. As she looks down, past her phone to the well tiled floor, she scoffs at her worn out blue vintage vans. Angie heads towards the sneaker store for a much needed recon session. She examines the latest arrivals through the window and sees a familiar reflection in the glass. She turns around and looks back at the glass puzzled. She turns around again and begins to hunt for the stranger whose glimpse she was sure she just caught. She sees the denim brand based shop opposite the sneaker store and decides to investigate. As she enters, her favorite hip hop trap song blasts through the speakers. Consumed by the rhythm of the beat, she gets distracted by the rap verse and starts lip syncing along. Just before the hook of the song drops, Angie stops and stares straight ahead. She slowly walks towards the composed stranger heading towards her. Her heart beats a little faster as her breath gets slower and more controlled. As the two draw nearer towards each other, the stranger reaches his right arm out for a fist bump. As Angie reaches out her arm to return it, she lets out a soft scream as a sharp pain shoots through the left side of her torso.

As she leans down in pain, he feels the once hot, now cold five hundred millilitre plastic bottle of water on his tender skin. Ryan (24) lets out a deep sigh, as he slowly opens his heavy eyelids and looks around the dark bedroom, whilst he lays on his worn out black dusty yoga mat. He looks around the haven of his present reality, patting his chest in relief as he realizes that he was just having another nightmare about his last shopping spree with his mom years before he began his transition. A soft ding breaks the silence of the room as a bright bold red, day four graphic flashes on his phone from the menstrual cycle app. He slowly sits up trying to avoid any spillage from mother nature's heavy flow. Ryan looks up to the ceiling and chuckles as he feels a serene wave of peace come over him after thinking about the vividness of the dream. He lets out a prayer of thanks then blows a kiss towards the sky, grateful that he isn’t trapped in the trance of his past life anymore.