The Tuxedo

Dear Mr Miles,

It has come to my attention that there is a cat in the building. I have seen it twice now, once on the front path and once in the hallway. Is it yours?

Kindly,

Joseph Grey, President of the Residents Association.

Hi Joe.

I was under the impression cats are not allowed in the building. Have you tried Clara at number three?

Cam Miles.

Dear Miss Lecky,

It has come to my attention there is a cat in the building. Does it belong to you?

Kindly,

Joseph Grey, President of the Residents Association

Mr President,

Please call me Clara. Cats are very much their own beings and rarely, truly belong to anyone. Unfortunate, really, I would love a cat. I had a bird when I was seven, a budgerigar called Dreamer, he was beautiful, blue and white. My parents told me he got too grown up and they had to take him to the farm to release him. We all know what that means, although it was a kind tale to tell a seven-year-old at the time I suppose. Sad.

That reminds me, I had a dream last night and you were in it, it was mostly about a circus coming to town that I was to perform in, I was very anxious about it as I am not very good at heights. You were in the audience on the opening night, and you were asking me if they served popcorn. I do not know if they serve popcorn at a circus, I have never been to one due to my stance on animal cruelty. Have you ever been to a circus, Mr President?

With love and happiness,

Clara Lecky.

Miss Lecky,

I merely wish to discover to whom the cat belongs.

Joseph Grey, President of the Residents Association.

Mr President,

In that case I cannot help you, it does not belong to me. Have you tried Lorna at number four?

With love and happiness,

Clara Lecky

PS, they do serve popcorn at the circus, I looked it up.

Dear Mrs Stanley,

It has come to my attention there is a cat in the building. Does it belong to you?

Kindly,

Joseph Grey, President of the Residents Association

Hello Joe,

It is certainly nice to receive a hand delivered letter, people do not do that so much anymore. Speaking of letters, I have picked up your post while you were away last week, let me know when you want it. I am glad to hear you have got a cat, it will do you some good to have some company about your flat.

How is your mother? Come over for tea some time and let me know, I can give you your post.

Lorna Stanley

Mrs Stanley,

Cats are not allowed in the building. My previous letter was trying to ascertain whether a cat that I have seen belongs to you or not. It is a black and white cat.

Kindly,

Joseph Grey, President of the Residents Association

Hello Joe,

It sounds lovely, but perhaps not a good idea to keep a cat if they are not allowed in the building, it might send the wrong impression to the other residents. I do not want your cat, I am worried at my age I could trip over it. Beth Wilson upstairs at number five took care of a lady once, who had a bad fall when she tripped over her highland terrier. Beth tells me she broke her pelvis in two places. Isn’t that awful?

Have you thought about Cat Haven?

Lorna

Mr and Mrs Wilson,

It has come to my attention there is a cat in the building. Does it belong to you?

Kindly,

Joseph Grey, President of the Residents Association

Hi Joe,

Jeeves is not ours. Frank wants to know when you are getting someone to look at the water heater.

Beth Wilson

Mr and Mrs Wilson,

What is Jeeves? Do you know this cat?

Kindly,

Joseph Grey, President of the Residents Association

Joe,

Jeeves is what we named the cat. You know, because it’s a tuxedo cat. I saw Lorna at number four today, she says you have a cat too, it seems everyone is getting cats. I thought cats were not allowed. Anyway, Frank is going on about this water heater, I won’t repeat his actual words here, but they were along the lines of never mind the cat, let’s turn our concerns to the repair of basic living amenities.

Beth

Mrs Wilson,

I do not have a cat, everyone should not be getting cats. They are not permitted in the building as per the agreement on entering into the tenancy. I do not know what a tuxedo cat is, but I wish to find out where it is staying. Who does the cat belong to? Why has it been in the building?

Kindly,

Joseph Grey, President of the Residents Association

Joe,

Stop putting letters through our door unless they are detailing a date this flipping water heater is being looked at. I don’t give a flying hoot about any cat.

And stop signing off as the president, twat.

Frank Wilson.

Mr and Mrs Wilson,

I do not appreciate the manner in which my last letter was distributed back through my door. If there is any lasting water damage to my carpets I shall pass you the bill directly.

In case you did not read it, the letter was a reminder that keeping of pets in this apartment building is not allowed, as per the agreement signed on entry. I merely wish to know to whom the cat belongs.

Kindly,

Joseph Grey, President of the Residents Association

Joe,

I bumped into the lovely Frank from upstairs today, he seemed upset. He told me you are also upset. Are you sleeping well? I managed to get my hands on a Dream Decipherer after our last conversation, I was curious about the relevance of the circus. If you need me to decipher any dreams for you, please ask. I have done Lorna’s this morning, she has some unresolved issues from her childhood.

Are you going to hers for tea tomorrow afternoon? She says she has had your post almost two weeks now and can’t seem to catch you, and you were going to tell her about your mother. Perhaps your disrupted sleep is connected to concerns for your mother’s health.

See you at tea.

Love and happiness,

Clara

Hello Joe,

You missed tea, what a shame. I suspect you became busy with your presidential duties. I have left some leftover madeira cake by your door as you did not answer, I didn’t like to leave your post in case it went missing. Please could you return the cake dish as it is part of a set, and I do so hate to have odd numbers.

Beth tells me you do not know what a tuxedo cat is, it is a black and white cat with markings such that it looks like it is wearing a tiny tuxedo. Clara told me to ask you if you have had any dreams involving tsunamis or any kind of water? I do not fully understand why, but I shall tell her I have passed on her query.

Send my love to your mother,

Lorna

Joe,

Why is there a cat trap outside my door?

Cam

Mr Miles,

There is not a cat trap outside your door, there is a cat trap on the ground floor landing by the staircase. It happens that your door is there also.

The trap is there because yesterday afternoon Mrs Stanley left a piece of cake outside my door and when I returned home the cling film had been ripped off and the cake eaten. I found remnants of it on the staircase.

Kindly,

Joseph Grey, President of the Residents Association

Joe,

If you leave food on the floor maybe it was rats.

Cam.

Mr Miles,

We do not have rodents in our building. The trap stays until the cat is either caught or moves on.

Kindly,

Joseph Grey, President of the Residents Association

Hi Joe,

We all saw your notice in the landing about the cat. Well done for catching it I suppose although it is a shame, it was nice to have a cat slinking about the place for a while. I hope he will be happy at Cat Haven and find a new loving family. I’m glad he didn’t get released at the ‘farm’ my parents told me about.

With love and happiness,

Clara

Good morning Joe,

You were in a big hurry to get to work this morning. Shame, it would have been lovely to have tea. I am leaving your post here like you asked, I still think it unsafe to leave post hanging around in the hall. Anything could happen to it!

Nevertheless, here it is. Sorry it is late, I’ve just seen the date on the postmark, hope nothing important.

Take care,

Lorna

Joseph,

I have been trying to reach you, why don’t you answer the phone? I have even tried your brother.

Since you are so busy I am putting a quick note in the post. I would drop by, but I have been finding it tricky to get around lately with the old hip. I am finally booked in for the replacement, they have squeezed me in on Monday.

I will have to stay at the hospital a week at least, and when I return home I shall need a carer to come in a few days. I hope you don’t mind but I will need to leave Jinx with you, I can’t ask my neighbour to feed him for all that time, and I am concerned I will find it difficult to look after him while I am on crutches.

It will only be a few weeks, I’m sure you will manage.

Mother

Joseph,

Still no phone call. If it weren’t for your receptionist who claims you are alive and well, I would send out a search party.

Well, my operation is tomorrow. I had hoped you would offer to come and pick up Jinx, but no to worry. I had also hoped you might be home to receive him, but I have knocked and no joy. I am leaving him in hall, he will be happy here until you get back from work.

Take good care of my cat, he is a dear thing.

I will be back to pick him up in two weeks.

Mother.