Say Yes

Just say it, I silently reminded myself. I knew I’d regret it if I didn’t. I took a deep breath, gathered the remaining courage inside of me, and blurted, “I’m not in love with you!” I squeezed my eyes shut, afraid of seeing the hurt on his face. I heard a slight inhale from two feet away from me as he digested my blunt declaration.

           I peeked open one eye, and then the other. He was staring at me, his dark chocolate eyes wide, surprised. He pursed his lips, and his eyes closed slightly as he assessed my face, trying to read my thoughts.

           “Not like that,” I whispered, eyes downcast. “I don’t love you like that.” I pawed my right foot at the dirt beneath my feet, spreading it and making little patterns and swirls…anything to avoid looking at his face. A thumb reached out, stroking my chin. He tilted my face so my eyes would meet his.

           “What made you say that?” He asked me.

           “What do you mean?” I scrunched my brow in confusion at his question.

           “Why did you blurt that out?” He raised one eyebrow slightly, waiting for my response. Oh great. So much for me not regretting saying that. I tried to backtrack my thoughts so that I could explain my reasoning without sounding like a crazy lady. I took a breath.

           “James, I know that you like me.” I admitted quietly, my cheeks heating up as I looked at his face. “I’ve known for a while now. I think everyone has.” I shrugged. “At first, some of my friends, the girls in our High School class, would tease me about how you would flirt with me, or always find me in the crowd. I just brushed off their words because I didn’t believe them.” I began to paw at the ground with the toe of my shoe again, staring at the dirt as I chose my words. “But over time…well, years actually,” I let out a breath of a laugh, “I could see that they were right. There were a lot of things that confirmed it. How protective you are of me, always taking care of me and threatening dumb boys who tease me…” Another laugh. “You are always so kind and supporting and accepting of me. I always thought it was just because of our friendship, but I started to see that it was more than that.” I paused, not wanted to say the next words. “And the way you look at me, I-…” I stopped, glancing up at him. I swallowed, my mouth suddenly feeling dry. “The way you are looking at me right now, like you want to…” I couldn’t finish my sentence, his eyes probing into mine with such an intense stare of affection as well as other emotions I couldn’t place.

“…kiss you?” He finished for me. My eyebrows shot up, a blush creeping up my neck and flooding my face. A half smile tugged at his lips as he saw my reaction to his words.

           “Yeah,” I squeaked. “That.” I cleared my throat. “Anyways, you said that you wanted to meet me today to tell me something.” We were standing at “The Lookout,” our spot that we had claimed about a year ago. It was a rocky hill about 10 minutes from our town. It was the perfect place to watch the sunset, which was about to unfold right before us in a matter of moments. The horizon in front of us was striped with thin clouds, boasting soft pinks and bright oranges as the sun was going down. I continued, “I figured that meant that you wanted to talk about something big.” I looked away, not able to meet his eyes. “It is the perfect time and place for a big declaration…so I decided to beat you to the punch, I guess.” My flickered up to his. He was upset, angry. His jaw was clenched tightly, his tell-tale sign. His mouth pinched, his nostrils a little bigger as he took a deep breath. I waited for his response.

           “So you wanted to shut me down before I could, what, embarrass you? Are my feelings for you that painful to hear?” The hurt was written plainly on his face, in every line and crease, as he stared at me.

           “No!” I reflexively took a step towards him. “I just…” I shook my head, at a loss for words. “I’m not trying to shut you down or leave your feelings unvalidated. I don’t want to hurt you.” I looked into his eyes, willing him to believe me. “I would never, ever hurt you if I could avoid it. But I don’t want you to get your hopes up about us, only for them to be crashed. I guess I just wanted you to know how I felt so you could change your mind about me.”

           “Change my mind about you? What does that even mean?” He asked incredulously. “You think emotions are something I can just shut off when its convenient? You think I planned on falling in love with you?” His chest rose and fell a little faster.

           “No, of course not. That’s not what am I’m saying.”

           “Then what are you saying?” He retorted.

           “I’m saying that I love you!” I yelled, frustrated. He froze, his face open in shock, which slowly morphed to bright hope. “You are my best friend. We have been for years, since 7^th grade, I think. Of course I love you. You are a big part of my life, and you mean so much to me.” I stopped, my voice quieting. “I just don’t love you like that.” I swallowed again. “I’m not in love with you. I’m sorry if I ever led you on or did anything to make you believe that I felt a different way towards you. I promise it was never my intention.” I emphasized the last sentence. The world went quiet as he digested this news. The sunset was now bright, a brilliant painting of vibrant colors. It was the suns last hurrah before it would dip below the mountains and drain the color and light from the big, open sky. I stared at the fading light, a fear curled up in my chest that my best friend would soon fade from life, just like this sunset.

           “It’s not your fault.” My head whipped back at the sound of his voice. “You didn’t do anything to lead me on.” He was slowly shaking his head, now his turn to look at the ground as he picked his words. “I just couldn’t help but fall in love with you.” He paused, and a small gasp escaped my throat. He continued on. “In the beginning, you were just the dorky nerd with braces who gave me the answers to the math homework. And then you were the smart girl who I always turned to for help. And then you were the person I always found myself sitting next to in class, making jokes with and doing all the assignments with.” He looked up at me, meeting my eyes. “I didn’t want to, but I couldn’t help but fall in love with you.” He furrowed his brow. “I didn’t want to screw up what we have any more than you do. But you were a force to be reckoned with.” A small smile played at his lips, the right side of his tan face curling up into a grin. “You wore two pigtails one day, in 9^th grade. I walked into Science and you were sitting at your usual spot, notebook out, pencil and highlighter ready. And you had these two long, dark pigtails…” He reached out, picking up a thick strand of my waist-long coffee-colored hair, trailing it through his fingers.

           “I remember laughing when I saw you. The smartest person I’ve ever met, and yet, you looked like a little girl in those two pigtails. That was the moment.” He inhaled, then let the air back out. “That was when I knew I was falling in love with you.” He let go of my hair, dropping his big, strong hand back to his side. “After that, everything about you only confirmed my feelings. We went into High School, and you put your hair into the most beautiful curls and hair-styles. You got your braces off, and it was like you weren’t afraid to smile anymore. You became so much more you. No longer afraid. You would always wear these little pink shoes, and dresses with ribbons around the waist.” He looked away, smiling. “I can’t tell you how many times I wanted to untie one of those ribbons and keep it in my locker…to feel like I had something of you that was mine.”

He began pawing the ground with his shoe. “You were so funny, making me laugh all the time, even when the teachers got mad at us for it. And so intelligent, always getting the best scores in class, or winning the coveted scholarships.” He met my eyes. “But you are also the kindest person I’ve ever met, with the biggest heart. You would do anything to go out of your way to help others. You were a friend to so many. You’re one of those people who don’t realize how special they are.” His voice hardened, and he clenched his jaw again. “I could see that I wasn’t the only one who thought that. When you started to get more popular, I didn’t like it. That’s when I became more protective of you.” He broke my eye contact and looked towards the fading light. My heart was pounding in my chest so loudly I was afraid he could hear it. “It doesn’t help that our class is mostly guys.” He forced out a mirthless laugh. “I could see that I had a lot of competition, but you didn’t even know that I was in the running. They were all idiots who didn’t deserve you. I don’t know what I would have done if you didn’t turn them all down.”

I spoke up. “I wasn’t in love with any of them.” He nodded, accepting my answer.

“We graduated, and I was afraid that you would move on. But you didn’t.” At this, he grinned. “Even though I didn’t still see you everyday, we’ve stayed best friends. I guess it just makes the time that we do spend together more meaningful.” His eye flickered to my mouth, then up to my hair, taking in my face, glowing with the light of the saturated sunset. “I was never going to tell you. That I’m in love with you. I didn’t want to ruin what we have.” The volume in his voice dropped. “I didn’t want to risk losing you.” He cleared his throat and continued. “I promised myself that I would never tell you. But I guess it doesn’t matter now.”

I was confused. “Then why did you want to meet here? What were you going to tell me?”

He laughed. “Nothing like that. I just wanted to celebrate. I got a promotion at work, and I wanted to tell you all about it. I even brought a blanket and a bottle of champagne so we could sit here and celebrate.” His eyes darkened. “I guess I should be more specific next time…if there is a next time.” Again, he clenched his jaw, his face tight.

“I’m so sorry.” I reached out and touched his shoulder. “I’m sorry to hurt you. I’m sorry I don’t feel the same way. If I could make myself love you romantically, then I would! You are an amazing man, and I would be lucky to have you. But maybe I’m just not the one you are meant to be with. I’m sure there is a lovely girl out there, waiting for someone just like you.” I stopped, taking in his face. He wouldn’t meet my gaze, his focus on the distant tree-line instead. I took in his thick, soft brown hair, his dark brows, strong nose, and sharp jawline. He was a very handsome man. I had heard many girls tittering about how cute he was in school. I could see the hint of stubble on his face as it neared the end of the day. His broad shoulders faced the mountain, hands shoved in his pockets as he battled with his thoughts. He was so strong, so masculine…a gentleman and a hard worker. Any girl would be lucky to have him. My heart swelled with guilt that I didn’t feel the same way he did.

“I don’t want any other lovely girl.” He broke out of his reverie. “I want you,” he said as he turned and took a step closer to me. “I’ll fight for you. I just want you to know that I won’t let you go without a fight. You are everything I’ve ever wanted, and I’ll do whatever it takes to keep you.” A sense of urgency entered his voice. “Maybe its because you haven’t let yourself fall in love with me. You haven’t let yourself go there. You are too sensible, and you didn’t want to jeopardize our friendship. I get that.” He took another step forward, putting his hands on the sides of my arms. “I never got the chance to compete for you. I never told you how I felt. I never gave you the chance to fall in love with me back!” His hands trailed down my arms until they reached my hands. He held them as his eyes pleaded into mine.

“Give me a chance, Felicity. Let me woo you. Let me show you that I’m the man who is meant to be with you. Give me a chance, Liss.” He whispered his nickname for me. “Give me a chance to make you fall in love with me. Give us a chance.” As his gaze bore into mine, my thoughts scrambled around in my brain, jumbling into each other as I tried to make sense of all this.

“What if…but what if it doesn’t work out? I don’t want to lose you. Can’t we just stay friends?” I asked him, quiet, unsure.

“But what if it does work out? You have told me before that you wouldn’t let yourself fall in love with someone until you were sure they were the right one. I am the right one!” His smile was wide and bright as he tried to persuade me. But as he spoke his next words, it faded again. “We can’t just keep going on like nothing happened. I can’t sit here and talk to you and pretend that I’m not aching to take you into my arms…to tell you that I love you. We can’t go back to the way things were, and even if we could, I wouldn’t want us to. Say yes, Liss.”

I couldn’t hide the tremble in my voice, my emotions tearing up my eyes. “But James, what if I lose you?” I whispered. He squeezed my hands reassuringly.

“That’s a risk I’m willing to take if it means there is a chance I can have you.” He let go of one of my hands to wipe a tear off my cheek with his thumb. “Felicity, say yes.” My breathing was quicker and more shallow as I tried to keep my emotions at bay. I had no idea he had felt so strongly towards me. I thought it was just a crush, but he was in love with me. Me! Would I really be able to find someone else in my lifetime who loved me as much as he did? Someone who was as handsome, kind, and important to me? As much as there was fear and trepidation in me at the thought of losing my best friend, there was also curiosity and hope that we could turn this into something better.

“Okay.” I finally said.

“Okay?” Disbelief and hope battled in his facial expression.

“Okay.” I gave him a small smile and squeezed his hand. His face lit up as he realized that his pleading was not in vain. A huge grin broke across his face, and he wrapped his arms around me, lifting my feet slightly off the ground and spinning me around a few times. He set me down again, breathless with happiness.

“Okay!” He said loudly. I couldn’t help but laugh at his instant joy and excitement. I was grinning at him, amazed that I had made him this happy, just with one word.

“Okay.” I took a deep breath, then let it out again. “We will try this. We’ll take it slow and I’ll let you…” I giggled, “…woo me.” My smile faded. “James, I can’t promise you that I’ll fall in love with you. You have to know that.” His smile fell and he stood, thinking for a moment.

“That just means I’ll have to sweep you off your feet with my handsomeness and romance until you do.” He smiled again, and I laughed, playfully punching him on the arm.

“Okay, weirdo. Whatever you say.” I was smiling, and even though I was afraid that this could all end in disaster, there was a small part of me that couldn’t wait to see what happened next.