Who I Am

“I don’t know you.” The woman standing in front of my hospital bed looks like she’s about to burst from how red her face is turning. I don’t know how long she wants to put herself through this because it’s clearly not helping. I mean, who comes to visit a man who doesn’t know you every day and get angry at him like it’s his fault all this is happening. Honestly, I’m considering asking the nurses not to let her in anymore. This might set me free from this obsession she seems to have with me.

“How can you not know me? You proposed to be two months ago.” Her voice is strangely calm despite the red face and I wonder if this is a sign of insanity or just weird self control. “We’re supposed to get married this year.” She says this more to herself than to me.

“Well, obviously we’re not going to get married. I can’t marry a stranger.” This seems like a bad thing to say because she opens her mouth like she’s going to scream. It’s the door opening that stops her from doing that and I’m thankful when the doctor enters the room. A comforting smile on his face as he takes in the scene in front of him.

“I can see nothing has changed from the last seven times you’ve been here.” Her presence doesn’t seem to faze him as he walks over to my bed and picks up my file. He flips through it, reading things that can never make sense to me no matter how much I stare at the words. I stare at him to avoid looking at the blond haired woman in front of me. “Okay, so we’re going to do another scan to see if anything has changed. The specialist will be here tomorrow to look at your case and then we’ll know more. Until then there’s nothing more we can do.” His voice is calm, like he’s talking about ordering sushi for dinner. I guess this is the type of things they teach you when you become a doctor.

“Thanks, man. Can you maybe get them to call my parents? I need more clothes if you’re going to keep me prisoner here.” This makes him laugh but he agrees on calling my parents before leaving me alone with the blond haired woman once more. “Look, Grace. Is your name Grace?” I ask, even though she’s repeated it to me every time over the last four days she’s been here.

“You know it is.” I can tell her patience is running thin and I know it shouldn’t be as amusing to me as it is.

“Okay, Grace. Look, I don’t know you.” Her face starts turning red again and I figure I might as well rip the band aid off while I still have time to talk. “So, I think it’s better if you don’t come around here anymore. You can keep the ring, if you want, and anything else I’ve gotten you. Oh, and it’s better if you start telling people that whatever we had is over.” The room goes quite after that and it takes me by surprise when she leaves without any further argument. An hour later my dad is entering the room and I’m being taken to take another brain scan. When I come back my mother has joined him and there’s a bag sitting at the bottom of my bag that I take into the shower with me.

“So, tell me exactly what you said to Grace to get her this upset.” My mother asks as soon as I emerge from the bathroom.

“I asked her not to come around anymore.” My mother hides her face in her hands, like she’s disappointed in me for some reason unknown to me.

“What if you get your memory back? What are you going to tell her then?” She asks and I shrug my shoulder.

“Honestly, Ma. I don’t think I would want her back even if I do get my memory back. I just can’t see myself with a girl like her. Who wears formal clothes to a hospital at night? Doesn’t she own more comfortable clothing, or shoes?” I ask, thinking back to those nightmares she had on her feet every time she came to visit here.

“Well, you’ve been with this girl for three years now and you’re the most talked about couple in the country right now.” My dad says and I frown at him.

“Why would the world care about who I’m dating? Marrying? Not marrying?” The thought is crazy to me. Who would want to spend their time following my life around? Is the life of a lawyer that interesting?

“They care because you’re the Presidents son and the most sought after lawyer.” My mother says and I stare at my father in shock.

“Pops, you’re president?” My eyes widen further when he nods his head. “Well, good for you. When did this happen?” They share a look before looking back at me.

“A year ago. Tell me again what the last thing you remember is.” My father asks and I scratch the back of my head.

“Well, Chris and I won this big embezzlement case. Sandy baked a cake for us.” I tell them again.

“That was almost seven years ago, Tyrece. We’ve been over this.” He says and I nod my head.

“We’ve also been over the fact that I can’t remember any of it. I don’t know the man you think I am now and I don’t know if I want to know him.” My mother frowns at my words and things go quite between us.

“We’ll see you tomorrow, son.” My father finally says and after a hug from my mother and a pat on the shoulder from him I’m alone once more. I have my dinner and all to quickly I’m sitting in front of three people with white coats on and a scan of my brain displayed on a wall, my mother on my left and father on my right.

“Well, this is what we can tell you.” Doctor James says, folding his hands in front of him like they do when they’re about to give you bad news. “Tyrece’s brain doesn’t seem to be showing any abnormalities from the scans we’ve taken. There was some damage after the accident and we saw that on the earlier scans but in the latest scans those seem to have been fixed from what the scans show. Obviously there was some nerve damage but other than that he’s a fully functioning human being.” He says and I nod my head because this is the same thing he told me earlier this morning.

“What about his memory?” This seems to be the question on everyone’s mind.

“Well, that’s a delicate matter.” Doctor Liam Tanner, the specialist that I met earlier this morning, says as he leans back in his chair. “Memory isn’t something we can fix. The body does that all on it’s own. From what I see right now it’s most likely that he won’t remember anything he doesn’t remember now. It’s not in exact science though, so there might still be a chance.” My mother’s eyes widen at his explanation.

“So, he’ll most likely never remember the past seven years?” She asks, sounding very close to tears.

“It’s a possibility.” Doctor James says and this is enough to get her tears to flow.

“It’s alright, Ma. Let’s just be glad I’m alive and I’m not a vegetable.” This doesn’t seem to help as she cries harder and my father has to lead her out of the room. “So, what do I do now?” I ask a few seconds after the door is closed behind them.

“You go back to living your life.” Doctor Liza says with a small smile on her face. “You’ll most likely have to come in for some test every couple of months or so, just until we’re satisfied with everything. Until then you just live your life the best you can and try and get used to your new normal, weather you remember or not is not the focus now.” That’s how the meeting ends and two days later I’m discharged from the hospital with a few prescriptions and advice to take it easy.

“This is so messed up, man.” Chris says as we sort through boxes in my new apartment. Turns out I was living with Grace and since she refused to move out I had to. “I mean, Grace is driving Lydia up the wall with her crying but I don’t really care about that. What I care about is the fact that you don’t even remember I had a wedding, or my kids.” He says and I sigh, taking out files that’s apparently mine.

“Well, one of your kids is two and the other is only a few months old. I’m sure I’ll catch up. They won’t even know I forgot them.” This makes him laugh and punch my shoulder.

“How are you so okay with this?” He looks like he’s in awe of me and for some reason that makes me feel uncomfortable. It’s always made me feel out of place when my big brother looked like I just thought him something when he’s been teaching me my whole life.

“Well, over the last few weeks I’ve been listening to you all try and clue me in on my life and honestly it doesn’t sound like the man I wanted to be. I mean, the type of woman I date, who can’t even cook? Not coming home for family gatherings because I’m too busy with everything else? I saw the way people looked at me when we were at the office. Like they were waiting for me to yell at them for breathing wrong. I don’t know man. I don’t think I want to remember that man. What if I become that again? I don’t think I can live with myself if that were to happen.” I can’t remember ever being this honest with my brother. Maybe in the seven years that’s been erased but never before that. We’ve always been close, but we’ve kept our feelings to ourselves for as long as we could.

“I get you, man. I wouldn’t want to remember me being a moron either.” This gets him punched in the arm and sends us into a laughing fit. We work hard to get the place the way I want it to and I spend the next four months going through files and getting myself up to date with the most important cases of my career this far. I also have a doctor’s appointments and with each passing day my mother looses hope that I’ll ever remember what I’ve lost again. It’s slightly harder to live life than I thought it would be because there’s this whole mess I seemed to have made of relationships that I have to fix where ever I go. It’s tiring and with each day that passes I wish I never get my memory back. I don’t think I can handle hating the person I was even more than I do now.

“Bad night?” I look up from my coffee and into a pair of deep brown orbs. A round face framed by pieces of dark hair escaping the bun that’s piled on top of her hair and a soft smile on her lips.

“Something like that.” I’m not stupid enough to tell her my whole life story. She looks like the kind of woman I might want to get to know one day.

“Is it because you can’t remember me?” She asks and I sigh. So much for wanting her to stick around.

“If I was a jerk to you in any way shape or form I deeply apologize.” At this she laughs and pulls out the chair in front of me.

“Don’t look at me like that.” I frown in confusion. “Like you’re not sure if you want to stay and hear me out or run away. You weren’t that bad around me. Of course, you never really noticed me when I wasn’t serving you one or the other drink.” She says and I frown at her. “The bar on the corner of Hillstreet?” I nod my head.

“Yeah, I heard about going there a lot.” That’s probably why I’ve been avoiding going there these past several months.

“I didn’t think I would see you again. I mean, everyone knows about it by now but I can’t imagine that it’s easy for you.” She says and all I can do is stare at her. I haven’t talked to anyone about what I’ve been feeling since I’ve gotten back to what was supposed to be my life and the fact that I’m not the one bringing it up makes me breathe a little easier.

“Well, it’s not a walk in a park.” It’s the safe answer because as much as I’m dying to talk to someone who might understand I also don’t want to blow my chances of getting to know this brown eyed girl in front of me.

“You don’t have to be all strong about it. Tell it like it is.” I can’t help but smile at her smile.

“Well, I’m hoping this isn’t being to forward but I don’t want to get all deep and personal if I haven’t at least bought you dinner yet.” Her wide smile gets softer and I sigh. “Sorry, you have a boyfriend, don’t you? I’m sorry if I made you uncomfortable.” She lets out a small laugh at my words, leaving me confused.

“You’re cute when you’re not being a jerk. I would love dinner. You know a nice place we can go to?” Suddenly I feel like a kid in a candy store. Something about the thrill of choosing something for yourself and feeling so secure in your choice sends a thrill down my spine.

“Well, I happen to know a nice sushi bar around the corner from here.” This is how I find myself spending the next few months getting to know the woman that I would one day love to call my wife. She helps me through the deepest emotions I have, never running when I have a bad day that last a week. Always assuring me when I’m not sure of the man I’m trying to turn myself into and sticking by my side even when people are still talking about the old me. It’s a weird type of relief I feel when the doctors finally decide that I’m most likely never going to get my memory back and I breath even better when my mother seems to finally come to terms with the son she lost and the one she gained.

Two years later, somewhere in the spring, I ask Lauren to marry me and the following year she becomes my wife. The kind of wife that doesn’t wear make-up when she’s home and likes to wear my hoodies out when she’s cold. The kind of wife that doesn’t judge me when my feelings spiral out of control, a side effect from the accident I would later find out. The kind of wife that loves me enough to build a family with a man that was damned enough to get a second chance at who he wants to be in life. She becomes the kind of wife that loves me so much that I learn to love myself through it all.

For who I am and who I was.