If Only

He turned to look at her and noticed a familiar sadness in her eyes. He knew that the sadness was permanent. There was never again going to be a light of happiness or a glow of happiness that she once had. It seemed so long ago now. They are now in their 70’s. They are old enough to remember a different world, a world unlike the one they are living in now. 

The year is 2051. His wife, Sharona, can no longer open the windows in the morning to get some fresh air, there is no fresh air. Everything might look normal. The weather may look sunny and clear but Sharona knows better. She knows that the air is deceitful and she can’t trust it anymore that she can trust a long time enemy. When the storms and heat waves come, as they certainly will, and overlap as they always do nowadays, the pollution intensifies and the ozone layers make it too dangerous to go outside. She can’t even go to her front porch to get the newspaper which has now is only being delivered once a month at the most.  For her and her husband, Jack to even go outside on most days they have to wear special masks. The masks are not affordable to most people. Jack and Sharona had to save for two months only to buy one mask and share it between them. In another month they may have enough money to buy another one for their 45 year old grandson, Jake. Jake has lived with them for about ten years. He came to live with them after the first explosion. 

Jake has a cough that never seems to disappear. They know it is from the air pollution. Before the first explosion everyone wore simple white masks to protect themselves from airborne illness which was rampant. Today masks are mandatory and they never leave the faces of the population except when they are indoors. 

Nobody hardly works outside anymore. But the air indoors is not much better. The air is hot and heavy and tastes acidic. Jack compares it to the most sour lemon that he has ever eaten times a hundred. The air makes him and his family nauseated and sick at times but there is nothing that they can do about it. They keep the doors closed. No longer can they walk to open the door just for relief from a hot summer day. Nope, the doors stay closed because there is no relief. 

Sharona remembers in her youth going to the beach with no worries. She only worried about getting sun burned as she lounged in the sand with her big blue sunhat on and shorts. She slathered herself with sunscreen every hour and after she swam in the ocean. Now, there is no ocean. 

Jack loved to have cookouts in the backyard. He loved to stand by the grill and feel the heat of the food cooking along with the heat from the sun. He would always wear his apron which said, “Kiss the Cook.”  That was his favorite apron, a gift from his wife. He loved the sounds of the laughter of the family and the young kids joking and playing around in the pool or just running around in a festive game of tag or hide and seek. He even missed the sounds of the arguments that the adults would always have over their endless games of cards and dominoes. Uncle Willie would always accuse Uncle James of cheating when he was losing. And he missed the sound of the dice hitting the back fence when Aunt Genia and her best friend, Bertha used to play in the corner of the backyard and thought that nobody knew about it. Aunt Genia used to always win. He missed the food being set out on the long picnic table and everyone fighting for a seat next to Grandma, Maude, the head of the family. He missed his long days working construction and coming home exhausted but thrilled to be home and watch his favorite show on television. 

Few people work outside now. The pollution is too thick in the air and air can literally take your breath away on some days. When it rains the rain doesn’t feel the same as it did years ago. The rain like the air changed for the worse. The rain is now acidic and dangerous to people and the crops. There are few farmers. The crops are grown inside. Most people try to grow their own food now. Jack tries to just grow enough. He tries to grow potatoes, lots of potatoes. The potatoes seem to do the best. He also grows lots of herbs in empty cans and cartons near the kitchen window. 

Now everyone knows what the future holds for them and their children and grandchildren. The planet has shown so many signs over the years. Pretty soon humans will be a thing of the past. Everyone now is gathering in small groups and trying to live off of whatever will sustain them in their homes. Jack also has a small garden in the shed in the backyard. He tries to grow more vegetables like carrots and peas and sometimes squash. He tries to think of things that might possibly grow. 

They were lucky in the flood of 2040. Many people died as the extreme flood waters rushed into their small city and washed away dozens of old homes, cars, people and buildings. They survived somehow and managed to even rebuild portions that were damaged of their house. Their neighbors, the Kelly's, weren't so lucky. Their house was gone in a matter of what felt like seconds. It went floating down the highway with many other houses and buildings and even people. The Kelly’s never came back to that city. Nobody knows if they survived. 

The temperature changes are one of the hardest things that Sharona has to deal with. She doesn’t deal well with extreme hot and cold but she has no other choice. When it is cold she bundles up in whatever clothes she has on hand. She walks around with layers of shirts and sweaters on and leggings under her jeans. Her hands are covered with mittens or gloves which make it hard for her to hold anything for long. Her feet are covered in at least two pairs of socks and are swollen most of the time now so wearing shoes is difficult to say the least. When it is hot she wears shorts and short sleeve shirts and pulls her long hair up into a tight bun on the top of her head to try to keep her neck cool. People have said she should cut her long hair but she won’t. Her hair is like a symbol for her of a life lived before climate change. She loves her long black hair and wears it like a crown. 

It seems like they are always dealing with one disaster after another. After the last storm the water was contaminated and they had to wait months for relief to come in the form of volunteers delivering bottles of water to their homes. The volunteers came once, carrying three cases of water. That is all they got until the drinking water was drinkable again, seven days later. 

Sharona tries not to think about the 2 billion people who are left in the world and the suffering that has become everyday life now and she tries not to think about how all of it could have been avoided if only. If only she says aloud. If only we had taken care of the planet. She and the rest of the humans still on earth live with that “If only.”