Head Held High

She walked the school hall with her head high and a smile on her face. Or, she always tried her best. She could feel herself slow down sometimes, she could feel the urge to watch her feet, she could feel her smile sag but even on her worst days she could keep her head high and smile on her face. She only ever dropped her mask when she was alone. If you knew about the tears she shed, she trusted you. If you saw her tears, she’s not okay.

Many people told her that she was incredibly kind and she was ridiculously smart. The day her mask fell off, her new favorite teacher told her "You know what your problem is. You are too adult and your heart is 10 times the size of your body and your mind is 10 times the size of your body."

Two weeks before that day she didn't feel good. She felt like not smiling and watching her feet. She wanted to talk to her friends about how she felt but she wasn't the only one who had too much weight on their shoulders that day, so, she kept her head high and a smile on her face and helped her friends. While in her head she was starting to drown.

As the next week went by every time she felt like saying something someone else had a problem that day so she did her best to help them with her caring smile and her oh-so-tired-head held high. 

The day before there Christmas break she couldn't hold her head high and her smile was hard to forge. She realized that she needed to ask for help and that she couldn't keep drowning and she needed to reach for something and try to get back up. She wanted to talk to her family but that was really hard for her she was the "perfect kid". Even if it felt like her dad hated her sometimes she was her mom's "perfect kid". With her polite smile and intelligent head, being held high on her shoulders.

She talked to her favorite teacher and the guidance counselor. But not after waiting for the guidance counselor to talk to her friends first. She told the guidance counselor she wanted to see if what she was feeling was normal or if it was something more, something more serious. She was scared, so scared to talk to her mom. But she had told everyone that she would try to talk to her mom over brake she had two weeks that's plenty of time, right?

She didn't know if the kids at her school liked her or not. She was new that year. It wasn't something she normally thought about but some of the kids saw her cry that day and she didn't like the taste it left in her mouth. She wasn't scared of their judgment. She just thought it was stupid for others to judge one another but she hated the idea of being looked at as weak because no matter much she looked at her feet or how much she frowned she was not, absolutely not weak.

She missed her best friends- she moved the previous summer. She has stressed herself out- she's practically the definition of overachiever. She misses her dad- he's in love with his "happy juice" and hurts her heart from his actions and her head from his words. She needs her mom- they can't afford the century-old house they live in and her mom works two jobs. And this was just the tip of the iceberg of things she felt every day, the weight on her shoulders. The weight she has to keep her head up with. The weight she held behind her smiling eyes. You couldn't see her tears but she was suffocating from the ones she wouldn't let fall.

Not only did this unspeakable sadness well-up. She also started to build this unstoppable anger. She was always protective over people she cared about but now anytime she'd hear someone say anything bad about anyone she would have to bite her tongue to not make a scene. She knew that these people weren't trying to be mean but she saw their words (and sometimes actions) as cruel. They just weren't thinking, they were just doing.

All she ever wanted to do was help. She wanted to make sure everyone's life was as good as it could be. She's the friend that everyone tends to lean on. She's always "strong" with her mask on. She told a few people how she felt and they aren't acting the same as before. The person she likes started acting different toward her and it hurts because they were kinda-close. She knows the person she likes doesn't like her back the same way and she likes to say and make everyone believe that she's okay with that but she's not. If she's being honest it kinda hurts. She's so scared about getting hurt and she normally doesn't tell others how she feels, she doesn't like being vulnerable or seen as weak. So when she told her crush that she liked her it was hard, really hard for her. And she wants to shake it off and pretend like it doesn't matter to her but it does, it really does. It hurt her but she doesn't want her crush to know that. She knows that the fact that she's hurt would hurt her crush so she keeps her head high and a smile on her face. Continuing the act.

She is struggling was more than she wants to admit. She is tired of holding her head high and smiling politely and being the "perfect kid" and being "strong" but most of all she is tired of the balancing act of the weight in her shoulders. As she writes this she realizes that she didn't really know how sad she was, how much she was acting. And she realized how no one noticed. I guess her mask was good enough to fool everyone. As she writes this she can feel herself falling more and into a pit of despair and she feels more hopeless and lost. She knows she should try and stop her downward spiral but she can't. The ground under her feet gave way and the weight on her shoulders is pushing her further in this hole and she's not quite sure if she even wants out.