The Dimple

I had never been very patient in my life. Sitting still was never my thing. I loved running around or walking about or at least dangling my legs knocking the furniture. I always had to get what I wanted and to do what I desired at that very instant. My mother was always exasperated with this. She even took me to a child psychologist to get me checked. In the end, of course, she accepted that I am who I am.

So, when I waited for nine months for this day, I surprised myself. To be exact, it was more than nine months. It had been years, now that I think of it.

I had always wanted to have kids. Kids - two, not one! I was quite particular about this since I was a girl. When my cousins and friends used to say that they would never have kids, like what young girls do, I would proudly declare that I would have two. And it would be one boy and one girl. Wow! Probably being a single child, I had developed this subconscious craving.

But then, I had a lot of other things to do too. I had my career to pursue. The world to travel. New hobbies to try out. So, I took my time. For me it was always like, I would settle down with two kids at the end. Then I would dedicate my whole life to them. I would have no other priorities, no other hobbies, no places to travel, other than the ones that mattered to them.

So, when I got married to a very thoroughly analyzed and chosen man, the man whose DNA I wanted in my children, I planned the timing of my pregnancy too. It had to be perfect. I got it scheduled impeccably. It would happen about five years later. By then Adi and I would have an established career each, we would have roamed the world more or less, we would have been done with our hobbies to our satisfaction. The plan was fool-proof in my mind.

But life has a way of breaking through the fool-proofs. My perfect Adi got diagnosed with a genetic disorder. It was not something devastating, but passing this on to your child was not acceptable. I got heartbroken, secretly. Did not let him know. But he understood, anyways. He kept on insisting that I go for sperm donation. It was not acceptable, as I had wanted his genes in my children. Life went on again. But the yearning did not stop. I got calmer, spending more time sitting and pondering over my messed-up life plans.

Ultimately, I yielded to my heart. I decided to opt for a sperm donation. I started to jot down the qualities I wanted in my child. The list became absurd and exhausting. It was as if, if I could build the whole baby myself, it would be the best! Then a thought came to my mind. What if I opted for the second-best set of genes? Given my impulsive nature, I immediately gave a call to my ex-boyfriend.

I was never a good talker. I blurted out everything in one go, not allowing myself to think about the absurdity of the circumstance. Of course, he did not get the head or tail of it at first. Then he sounded shocked. Then understanding the immensity of the prospect, he fumbled with the answer.

It was not something you decided over a phone call. It was not something you decided in a single day or even a week or weeks. And, he had his wife to discuss it with too. So, quite logically, he asked for some time to think over it.

The next few days were unbearable for me. I felt my restlessness return. I could not say that I had not felt a bit hurt too that he was taking so much time. But it was me who had put him in a difficult position, so I waited for his reply impatiently.

To my relief, he agreed. He also shared that they had been trying unsuccessfully for a baby for so long. His wife had miscarried several times. Nothing came out of the investigations though. She was quite mentally broken down. But strangely, she agreed to my request. For her, it was like, if I happened to have the baby, she would feel less guilty towards her husband.

This last idea frightened me a lot. What if she claimed my child one day? I understood instantly why such laws were at play that the donor and the recipient should not know each other. I started planning things out. I hired lawyers. I got contracts made. However insensitive it might sound, running between the courtrooms and lawyers’ offices, I finally managed to get the wrinkles out of my grand plan. I successfully secured my selected set of genes for my future baby.

I had once heard that if you wanted something earnestly, you would get it. For me, every saying and natural rule acted the other way round. During my medical checkup, I found out that I had a unicornuate uterus, so the pregnancy would be difficult and unsure.

It felt like what I desired so dearly was not in my destiny. I was thirty-three already. I had not frozen my eggs either. Time was passing by. But I was determined to not lose to my fate. So, as a last resort, I opted for surrogacy.

After a myriad of medical treatments, after shedding my blood, sweat, and tears, we got pregnant. The ultimate wait began.

The last nine months had been tough. Running between the hospital and clinic, looking after my surrogate and her health issues, it was taxing. Then there was the emotional turmoil, anxiety, and apprehensions. It felt unbearable. But it was almost a cakewalk in comparison to what I was feeling for the last four hours now, since when she went into labor. Everything reached a crescendo. The uncertainty, the anxiety, the fear.

I could not sit back. I could not walk around. I could not give birth. I could only wait. The only thing that I was never good at. I wished I could scream like the mothers in labor. I just wanted to deliver something. If not a baby, then the whole frustration of not being able to do it. I looked around and saw the expecting fathers and family members. Some were pale with tension. Some were laughing stupidly as if they had lost their mind.

All sorts of bizarre thoughts started rushing into my mind. “What if my surrogate ultimately decides to keep the baby? What if she does not go through the labor process well? What if she refuses the cesarean section even if it is indicated? What if she dies giving birth, killing my baby along...?” However selfish it might sound, it went on and on and on. More thoughts kept erupting in my head, "Will my baby consider me a mother? How will he or she react? Can I be called a mother?" I just could not control the waves of weird thoughts. I started breaking down internally. I started missing Adi miserably. He was out of town and would not reach before late at night.

I got up and started walking around. Then sat down. Then again walked around a bit. An elderly lady asked, “Who is it? Sister?”

"Mine," I said and again resumed walking.

It seemed to take her some time to understand. I would not know if she understood it at all. Probably, thinking that I had lost it completely, she smiled and said, “Mmn... go have some coffee.”

I found the suggestion good. At least I would be able to fidget around. I walked to the coffee kiosk outside of the waiting room and ordered a cappuccino. There was one inside too, but I preferred the longer walk. Then I saw a familiar face near the operation theatre waiting area.

Ric. My ex-boyfriend!

My heart skipped a beat. “Why the hell is he here now?” “Is he here for the baby? He cannot take the baby away from me, can he?!”

I gave myself a mental smack on the head and furtively looked at him. He had not noticed me, I found.

”Good!” I thought. I started walking back to be as far away from him as possible. But I still could not understand how he had arrived at the same hospital and at the same time. Most importantly, why? And why the maternity ward?

I stole a few glances at him. Then I noticed he looked rather pallid. He was not aware of his surroundings, lost in his thoughts. I considered going and asking him. Then I thought some more. Ultimately, I decided that if he was here for causing trouble, he was already here. I could not help it. So, I went to him.

“Aa.. Ric… What happened? You here?” I asked.

At first, he seemed dazed, as if he could not recognize the voice. Then noticing me he stood up. His handsome features were all crumpled and dark with worries. He said, “Jia got admitted…”

I came to know that his wife, Jia was eight months pregnant. This time the pregnancy continued the longest. Despite some health issues, all was well so far. They started having hopes. But she suddenly started bleeding this afternoon. Jia was alone at home with the household help. By the time the ambulance reached and he rushed back home from office, it still got late. She was in the emergency operation theatre now.

I felt so selfish inside. I felt guilty that I was only thinking about myself. I felt foolish.

“How bad is it?” I asked, never being good at empathy.

But he was too preoccupied to notice the tactless words. He just shook his head and said, “Dunno…”

I kept silent. I could feel what he was going through now. They had lost at least five pregnancies before. She was already on the verge of mental breakdown. This time they had so much hope. But now her life was on the line too.

“Mr. Seth...” a nurse called out from the OT entrance.

He rushed there. She said something with a grim face. He seemed to be crestfallen. I had walked towards them by this time. I saw him breaking down into a thousand pieces. Then I saw him gather himself up. He had a strong personality always. He took the papers and blood samples from the nurse and ran in the direction of the blood bank, nodding vaguely towards me on the way.

I slowly walked back to my waiting room. The coffee had long gone cold. Unmindfully I drank up the whole scummed over mess in a gulp and cringed. Sitting down I was thinking that all my life I had wanted to have a child. The same might be the case with Jia. Each time life started blooming inside her, she must have started building hopes. Then each time the life got ripped away from her, she had to tolerate the crushing of her dreams, along with the physical pain. How insanely agonizing the whole experience must have been?! Was it at all true that if you wanted something earnestly, you got it eventually? Or did the saying just exist to keep us hoping all our life?

 Lost in my thoughts, I did not notice that I was being called. Then somebody touched my shoulder, “I think they are calling you.”

“Mmn? Oh!!” I shot up from my seat.

The labor room nurse was indeed calling me. After I went up to her, she seemed faintly irritated. They were very busy and dealing with unmindful patient relatives would get on their nerves. I understood. She informed me that they needed to take up my surrogate for a c-section as the baby was showing some signs of distress. I immediately panicked. Seeing me like that, she softened down.

She said, “They will be fine. They are in good hands. Please don't worry.”

I signed the consent papers. “Is Dr. Singh there? Please… please take good care.”

“Of course. Wait at the OT area please,” she said with a kind smile.

One and a half hours later I felt the greatest joy of my life.

They brought out my baby girl swaddled in a pink, soft blanket. She looked like an angel. Tears welled up in my eyes. My voice got choked.

“Is she fine? And the mother?” I asked, my voice trembled a bit.

“They both are ma’am. We will be shifting her to the cabin soon,” said the nurse with a smile. I felt so grateful for her kind demeanor. She must be doing this so many times a day. It must be boring for her to smile every time. But that she still smiled and made me feel warm, I felt grateful.

On the way to the cabin, I found Ric. He was pacing the ITU corridor with a somber face.    

“Ric… How is she now?” I asked walking up to him.

“They have kept her under observation in ITU.”

“Everything okay….?” I asked skeptically.

"Um... They had to remove the uterus…." he said in a dejected tone.

I almost choked up. Seeing my expression, he said, “she is safe now.”

“…”

“At least, there will be no further pain…” he said with downcast eyes and a sad half-smile.

“Baby?” I blurted out before I could stop myself.

Ric just shook his head sidewise. I felt my knees almost buckle under me. I took the support of the wall.

My thoughts got all jumbled up. A moment ago, I was the happiest person on earth and now I felt so shattered.

“If she stays stable, they will shift her to the room tomorrow…. I dunno how she’s gonna….” Ric could not finish, but I understood all the same.

Then he looked up as if remembering something, “Sorry, I didn’t ask... why are you here? Who’s…?”

With a sigh, I replied, "My surrogate. She delivered.”

Emotions and understanding rippled through his face. As per the contracts signed, he had denounced all rights to the baby and we had severed all connections too. He did not know that we had conceived. He of course did not know the issue of surrogacy either. It was evident from his face that a thousand questions came to his mind. But he ultimately asked none.

“Congratulations! Sorry, to keep you occupied. Please carry on... you must be having a lot to do...” he said.

I nodded and started to walk away. But then something tugged at my heart and I stopped. I turned around and said, "Ric. Thank you… And so sorry…"

“It’s okay dear…” he said with an enchanting smile, nodding slightly.

The next day Adi and I went to see Jia in her cabin. What I saw from the doorway, broke my heart.

She was sitting up on her bed looking like a stone statue. Ric was sitting beside her, holding her left hand tightly in his hands. An untouched bowl of soup was lying on the table. Jia was a doctor herself. She understood everything and the implications. But at the end of the day, she was also a yearning mother who had lost her baby once again, this time after carrying it for eight months. She looked as if the world meant nothing to her anymore. Ric did not notice us either. His face was all dark with concern and worry. It felt like we were intruding on their private moment.

I immediately turned back and slumped on the bench outside her cabin. Adi sat beside me.

“You okay?” Adi asked with a concerned face. He had arrived late last night and had heard everything already.

I sat silently for a long time. It could go into my book of records of sitting still. As understanding as he was, Adi did not say anything either. He just kept me company. A million jumbled thoughts kept swirling in my mind.

Then I stood up. Adi stood up too. "Wait here," I told him and went straight to our cabin.

My surrogate was feeding my baby girl. The nurse looked up.

“Can I have her please?” I asked.

“Almost done ma’am.” I nurse replied.

“Take your time,” I said.

I waited until my baby finished feeding. The nurse wiped her mouth and wrapped her in a fresh soft blanket and handed her over to me.

I looked at her face. She was sleeping contentedly. The image of pure bliss. Her fair, tiny angelic face could take away all worries, all exhaustions of the world.

I took her to Jia’s cabin. Seeing me coming with the baby, Adi stood up with a flabbergasted look. He was about to ask something. I stopped him shaking my head.

I went inside the cabin. Both Ric and Jia looked up. Without thinking further, I placed my baby in Jia’s lap. Tears welled up in her eyes. She looked at me with an expression of disbelieve and awe. Ric stood up too. The moment was too surreal for any of us to say anything.

“She is your baby too, isn’t she?” I could manage.

After a few moments of staying awestruck, Jia gathered my baby up and pressed her to her bosom. Tears after tears rolled down her cheeks. My girl looked so content in her arms.

Before I turned my head away, before my eyes got bleary, I just saw that my girl’s right cheek dipped in a deep dimple, exactly like mine, as she smiled in her sleep.