DuMb TeEnAgEr

It's hard to feel in control when the entire world is spinning, so fast that there's no time to get your balance. When each breath of air you take is a risk and you’ll never know if it will be your last until it's too late. 

How are you supposed to feel in control when your life is a flower and every second you come closer to that day when your last petal will fall. Before that even, your beautiful scent could turn sour from the rot that fills the world today. Do we control our lives or is this all some simulation, am I the only one real here? I’d ask but you're not real. 

I might be an old lady telling the story of my life to my grandchildren, so in detail that I feel like I'm reliving it. If that's the truth, I wonder what happens when I finally get to the end. These are the annoying thoughts that fill my head at one a.m when I know I have school in the morning, when will it stop?

So far I’m just a teenager, I laugh at myself before someone else can, I make it clear I know i’m dumb before an adult can point it out for me, because thats what today is. When I turn twenty, I’ll magically know the real world. It’s been hiding my entire life and on that day, it’ll come out of my closet. Its head will peek out from beneath my bed.

How am I supposed to feel in control, when everything I do is planned out by another person. I’ve been trained to run by bells like a pig at school. Anxiety and depression are perfectly normal. No matter what you think you feel, it’s just your stupid teenage mind playing tricks. Good grades, a good job and getting into a good college will make you happy, nothing else will. Just be good.

I’ve been told I need to get into a college, and that I’ll need all A’s or my life will be worthless. The smartest person I know had terrible grades in high school, but now he makes more than anyone else I know that lives here. He has people begging him to work for them, but I also know someone equally as smart who did get good grades in highschool. They make almost no money now, and have to actually pay out of their own pocket to do their job properly. 

These are the people who run my life. I’m a dumb teenager, so I’m probably wrong. But if it didn’t matter for them, why should I have to be so worried?

I don't want to be a doctor, or a nurse. Or a pilot. I don't want to jump into something that I’ll have to do for the rest of my life. I want to smile everyday, because the stress isn’t so bad. 

The world is changing everyday, how am I to know what I should do with my life?

I’m absolutely powerless, and I don't know how to get control back. If I ever had it in the first place.

Sometimes I wonder what it would be like to be an animal. Blissfully unaware. I’d like to be a cow, eating grass and hay until my last day. With my herd around me like a protective child from anything that dares threaten us. Because as a cow, we’ll never know that the person feeding us, our best friend, will one day shoot us.

I want to follow the pattern of life, but I don't know what it is yet.

Have you ever noticed that people who meant the world to you can disappear one day without detection. It’s insane honestly. When they leave, that feeling of abandonment and loss, like you weren't good enough. Too much or not enough. The best (or worst) part is when they come back, and swear it wasn’t your fault. Stupid teenagers and their drama. When does that end?

I have so many questions but no one to ask. I write to feel real, but who will ever read this? Who’ll remember me or my name a hundred years after I die? 

We live like fish. The younger get eaten by the bigger, you never know what's a trick and what's safe. We live in a beautiful world encased by glass, and never even know what it is.

I’d like to visit India. The pictures in books and articles online can’t show me what it's like, not really. I’d love to see an ocean, feel the salt in the water. 

My mind is a crazy machine and I don't know how to run it yet, I have so many thoughts but not the one I’m looking for. 

Everyday seems easy. I can go up on that stage and present my words. I can because I know I'll walk down those steps, life will move and no one will even remember who I am. 

I want to have fun, but I’m too tired. I don’t want to be the type of parent who can’t go outside and play with my child just because work drained me. I want everything, to experience what the world has to offer. There's not enough time to live, only survive. Survive to work and reproduce so that the human population will not go extinct. 

I’m that one person that you can use to feel better about yourself, Because i’ll be looking at you thinking how talented you are, how gorgeous and absolutely amazing. I want to be like you, because I don’t know how to be me. How come I didn't come with an instruction manual? Too many thoughts I want to shut out and too many scars that won’t go away. Too many “I remember”’s that will never replay. If everything could be a poem I would be okay. It's honestly just better that way.

Everything is a question, so how will I know when I have the answers?