A More Brilliant Story Than Ever Told

A More Brilliant Story Than Ever Told

Hello you,

I am gracing you with the pleasure of reading these few diary entries of mine because, well, I'm bored. Best of luck - You know who. 

Chapter One: Bwabie Tawk

I do not think that these humans understand, when I cry, I do not cry for attention. I wail and then they lift me and they murmur into my face. They talk in a way in which I can not understand them anymore. It is the way that they speak to their offspring when it is small. They talk at it and it laughs. They talk to me, I do not laugh. But I cannot laugh they think. But that is a lie. They are lying to themselves. If I could laugh, I would not laugh when they talk, I would laugh when they fail.

Chapter Two: A Tail

I once read a book. Did you know that? I can read. Interesting isn't it? You assume just because I cannot speak like you or write like you I cannot read like you. I mean cannot write? I am writing right now. It's funny really. You leave me here for hours at a day and leave the shelves of books unguarded. I believe when you leave you do not think I can take them down. Well, I can and I can put them back, and I can learn. Surprised yet?

Chapter Three: Raow!

My official title is Grand Lord Wuffies and yet you refuse to address me by it! Today alone you have called me three completely observed names and I find it utterly disrespectful. And may I say that it is not just today but so far today that you have called me: Wuff Wuffs, Woofer, and last and most definitely worst, oh god I can't even write it! I'll just go as fast as I can. Ok here goes: Waffles! Ah! Is it over? I mean good God! In all of the books I've read, I've never once come across it! What language are you speaking to me in? I must figure this out, and soon.

Chapter Four: Feed Me Bitch

Just kidding. There is not me only the vast emptiness of hunger. I have been consumed by this feeling and will not be present from the times 7 am - 3:19 pm. Thank you.

Chapter Five: Ineffective

I scream in annoyance and nothing happiness.

Chapter Six: Effective

I scream in enjoyment and you scream in... something else and then I eat what was not given to me. Sadly no effective results have occurred. Note: keep pushing off the glass objects.

Chapter Seven: Things That Go "AWOO!" in the Night

The neighbors have gotten a small thing that locks eyes with me the second I step outdoors. It will not take its eyes off me or stop yelling such hurtful things until I return indoors. I have started to return the favor. I believe that its small and useless brain has convinced it that we are playing a game. Alright if you think that war is a game. Because that is what this has come to, war! I do not know what its name is. I will call it Asshole for the time being.

Update! I heard someone calling a name from the backyard and then Asshole went to the backyard. The name was Josie. Josie is too nice a name to be Asshole's but, I believe it is. No matter, Asshole is just a fun nickname. Diffinatly... 

Chapter Eight: Everything is Going to Be Fine

For me at least, I'm not so sure about you. 

Chapter Nine: Cry Yourself to Sleep

Go on, do it. I know you want to. I notice things. I notice them all the time and this time I noticed that the lady friend you liked to take to your room and lock the doors with has stopped coming over. So sad, I wonder what happened to her? Such a pity. On the bright side, you have been paying much more attention to me. That's nice, isn't it?

Chapter Ten: Perfume

The entire house smells like roses and not the good kind, you know, the ones they put on coffins. Listen I know you've been trying out this dating thing again lately and it seems you've set your bar pretty low. I mean you don't deserve a great woman but try raising that bar from meh to alright. I mean this girl didn't even take one glance at me. Not even one pat! She is a cruel person. Anyways! Best of luck... I suppose. 

Chapter Eleven: Pest

I pissed on the floor below your toilet and you called me a pest. Why? You piss on the floor below your toilet? Why can't I? I don't like sand. You wouldn't either! So why do I have to use it? I will never understand your rules. The only thing I know is that I don't like to follow them. 

Chapter Twelve: How Did That Get There? 

I don't even like mice you fool!

Chapter Thirteen: Asshole is back 

I hadn't seen her in a quite while but when I walked outside today there was the screaming. She told me I look stupid today but jokes on her, this new fashion trend she's trying out is not working out. I've seen others rock the plastic mane look but it really isn't doing it for her. To be honest, it's been in and out of fashion for a while now. I've never tried it but I know I'd look awesome. I wouldn't say anything about it to her and I hope no one will. It's fun to see someone think they look great.

Chapter Fourteen: Purrfect

I absolutely adore your new lady friend! She treats me and gives me head pats! The time she takes away from you and me she makes up for on her own! I still can't believe you managed to get someone like her to be with someone like you. I suppose you can probably thank me for that. Oh! I learned a new word today: love. Is that what you and the lady have? If so that's good because one of my friends said that her you and his her are in love and they've been together for years! I think I love you, even when you call me Waffle. Many hearts - Grand Lord Wuffers 

Ellie

(Theme: Always pay attention to your cat.)